Finding a Way

So I've been MIA - actually just swamped with graduation, work and MIP stuff. I forgot how much freedom you think you're going to have in the summer at first until you realize you work doubles every day and all the in between time is spent at the pool, running or resting. I've been sick as well so that hasn't helped. Either way, life is good.

The devotional my dad sent me a couple of days ago arrived in my inbox on the perfect day (as usual). As I was returning to my innocence case that I took a brief respite from for about 2 weeks, the following quote reminded me how important the work is that I'm doing.

"Those who have eyes that see what God sees find ways to help the helpless."

- Julie Ackerman Link

I know I can't be all-consumed by the case, but it's hard not to think about him being in prison as I celebrate my graduation from college and spend a few days at the pool.

Other updates - I'm seeing someone new. Still trying to wrap my mind around that because it's been so long. But I am happy. Very, very happy.

GiST 8:365

1. Meeting my team for the summer program with the Innocence Project and learning we now have our own attorney for our case specifically! Such good news.

2. I bought my bridesmaid dress for Stacey's wedding :) And I'm excited to get planning!

3. A conversation I had yesterday with a nurse. I don't know how she knew exactly what to say to me to calm me down, but it was much appreciated. An understanding stranger is often the best kind of comfort.

4. Meeting the team I will be working with in the Infant Room at The Crossing this summer. I'm anxious to have some baby time!

5. Having someone to hold me while I cried and actually being able to cry for once. I hardly ever do and when I do, it's rarely in front of anyone. But it was nice to let go, and I feel much more capable of moving forward now.

6. Getting to go to a Card's game... finally! Even though they lost I had so much fun.

Hope everyone enjoyed Memorial Day Weekend - the pools are all open :)

Now if Columbia would just clear itself of the clouds!

Girl's Day

Today Susan and I went and had lunch on the patio at Willie's and then got pedicures and shakes from Sonic. It was a great day. Graduation was absolutely perfect. My family and I had a blast together and I got to take my little brother out for his 21st. And I think, well I'm just not going to think. I'm really, really happy right now though.

GiST: 7:365

1. Lunch with my girlfriends today

2. The laughter last night at the Deuce, especially over our "Dumb Comment" tally.

3. The text from JLew this morning. I really miss that girl!

4. My new toe color: Shanghai Surprise!

5. My large orange cream slush

Summer has officially arrived :)

Song I'm listening to right now:

I'm Only Me When I'm With You- Taylor Swift

Friday night beneath the stars

In a field behind your yard

You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky

And sometimes we don't say a thing

Just listen to the crickets sing

Everything I need is right here by my side

And I know everything about you

I don't wanna live without you

I'm only up when you're not down

Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground

It's like no matter what I do

Well you drive me crazy half the time

The other half I'm only trying to let you know

That what I feel is true

And I'm only me when I'm with you

Just a small town boy and girl

Livin' in a crazy world

Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true

And I don't try to hide my tears

My secrets are my deepest fears

Through it all nobody gets me like you do

And you know everything about me

You say that you can't live without me

I'm only up when you're not down

Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground

It's like no matter what I do

Well you drive me crazy half the time

The other half I'm only trying to let you know

That what I feel is true

And I'm only me when I'm with you

When I'm with anybody else, it's so hard to be myself

Only you can tell

That I'm only up when you're not down

Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground

It's like no matter what I do

Well you drive me crazy half the time

The other half I'm only trying to let you know

that what I feel is true

And I'm only me

Who I wanna be

Well, I'm only me when I'm with you

With you

100 Things.

1. I'm German. My last name in German means cup. I am a cup.
2. I have never broken a bone.
3. I'm annoyingly organized.
4. One of my favorite things to do is open all the windows on a warm day, turn the fan on high, cook sausage and potatoes and watch my favorite TV shows.
5. I believe God changes people, and God changes things. And that if you are grateful for everything from the sunshine to your favorite song on the radio, your world will transform.
6. My last name is pronounced beacher, not becker or betcher. Everyone calls me by my last name. It's weird but I'm OK with it.
7. My mom is the only person I know well that calls me Jessie.
8. I love going to Cardinals games, but haven't been to one for 2 years.
9. I don't like driving over bridges, it freaks me out and I usually speed over them.
10. I trip. All the time. I don't even get embarrassed anymore. On campus, in the spot in Sophia's that I swear the floor is uneven, when I'm running. You name it, I'm always looking at something or someone instead of the ground. That's a good thing though right?
11. My favorite episode of FRIENDS is Season 2 Episode 14. "See...he's her lobster!"
12. My grandma works for Nascar and likes to buy me Coach purses. She's pretty much the coolest grandma ever.
13. I love my hair short, sometimes I miss it being long, but I really love it short.
14. I trust God is working on the man's heart I'll eventually be with. I long for the day I can be with someone again, being single breaks you down and builds you up all at once. I miss the happiness loving a man brings, but being forced to be patient is probably a good thing.

15. I love road trips. Flying makes me nervous but I'm not afraid of it.
16. I'm 5'4" and weigh 98 lbs. I've never worried about my weight, people accuse me of eating disorders all the time. I don't know why but it typically doesn't offend me. I just explain it's genetic, because it is!
17. Is my cousin's wedding anniversary and brother's birthday in May.

18. I often wish I had a bigger family. I want to have a big family when I'm older.
19. I love getting my nails painted and pedicures.
20. I've never had a massage. I want to get one.
21. Sometimes I don't think I am cut out for marriage. I can't see myself as a mother or a wife. I hope I will be both but it wouldn't be shocking or devastating to me if I'm still on my own in 20 years.
22. Is how old I am right now.
23. I love pickles.
24. My favorite chips are sea salt & vinegar.
25. I love country concerts. I haven't been to one in a very long time.
26. I now have 2 bachelors degrees in Journalism and English.
27. I am a bartender/server and proud to be both.
28. I love living alone.
29. I worry too much about what people think of me.
30. I hate taking birth-control. I've taken it since 8th grade and I hate it.
31. I love roller coasters, my favorite is one I went on with my dad at Universal Studios.
32. My heart stopped while my mom was in labor and they had to do an emergency c-section
33. I love my blue cotton robe.
34. I think the name Isadora for a little girl is beautiful.
35. I will name my baby boy Austin, it's my favorite name.
36. I do not like my handwriting.
37. I have my daddy's eyes.
38. I would wear flip flops everyday if I could.
39. It drives me absolutely NUTS when people don't use their turn signals.
40. I can't stand when guys say "woman" a certain way. You know what way I'm talking about.

41. I am the oldest child.

42. I had a mohawk when I was a baby.

43. I love every Keith Urban song I've ever heard.
44. My brother nick is the funniest person I know.
45. I have 63 pairs of shoes in my closet.
46. The first concert I went to was Britney Spears at Six Flags
47. I think Columbia has been the best three years of my life thus far; I love this town.
48. I came to college and my first and only pet, a goldfish named Elinor, got swallowed by my coworker, Jake.
49. My mom is a really talented home decorator.

50. I am not very patient. In fact I can be quite bossy and demanding.
51. I didn't text until this past Christmas even though my dad is a 30+ year employee at ATT. My parents despise texting.
52. I was captain of my HS cheerleading sqaud, editor-in-chief of the yearbook and a class officer.
53. I hate taking pictures - the Facebook photo frenzy drives me absolutely insane.
54. It's a goal of mine to wake up earlier so my days are longer and fuller.
55. My great-grandma died of Alzheimer's and I worry about it taking my grandma and dad all the time.
56. I'd like to run a marathon.
57. I don't sleep a lot but I'm rarely tired.
58. I love SUMMER - the sun, the flowers and the freedom it brings. I hate winter and I want to move south, even though Missouri isn't that bad.
59. My parents thought I was going to be a boy when I was born, my name would have been Adam. Adam is now my brother's middle name.
60. The Cardinals were playing in the World Series the day I was born and my dad made them turn the radio on in the delivery room.
61. I lived five minutes from two of my now best friends growing up and we never knew each other until college.
62. I consider deleting Facebook almost every day. I think it's created an entire generation of people who don't know how to connect without it and it's pathetic.
63. I have a birthmark on my right hand that people always see and tell me I have chocolate on my hand.
64. I have a scar on my eye from when I had the chicken pox.
65. I played the piano for 12 years. I won several trophies from music competitions. The last song I ever played on the piano was 100 years by Five for Fighting.
66. I hardly ever cry.
67. I am a Leo, peridot is my birthstone and I love it.
68. My kitchen table is the same one I had growing up at home that my dad painted for me to match my apartment.
69. One of my favorite places in Missouri is Hermann. It's gorgeous and has wineries.
70. I listen to my I-pod while I grocery shop.
71. If I could trade personalities with anyone it would be my best friend Stacey. I think she's one of the happiest, most loving girls I know.
72. My favorite snack is Wheat Thins with whipped cream cheese.
73. My favorite job was tutoring DaMarcus with Jumpstart.
74. I played the harp for 6 months.
75. I'm no movie buff. I'm not good at trivia especially movie trivia.
76. I watch Sex & The City on repeat almost every night before I go to bed.
77. I've never been out of the country.
78. I've never tried a cigarette or smoked anything for that matter. It has absolutely never been appealing to me.
79. I don't like guns, knives, or weapons.
80. I drink sweet tea like water.
81. I am constantly putting on lip gloss.
82. I love listening to thunder and watching lightening.
83. I'm an avid list maker.
84. I never had a fake ID. I've never given my ID to anyone to use either.
85. My favorite place in Columbia is the park where Devil's Ice Box is.
86. I love suspenseful movies that you have to figure out.
87. I have several nicknames, but Tiny Dancer is probably the most popular. I love to dance, and I'm positively a terrible dancer.
88. I get goosebumps when I'm hot.
89. Every guy I've been with has had something about him that made me know right away I could never marry him.
90. I can't sleep with socks on. My mom had to cut the feet out of my baby pajamas because my feet are always on fire.
91. Misspelled signs, menus or any other misspellings, drive me crazy. But I know I'm often guilty of spelling errors!
92. I like the color purple, but I don't have a favorite color.
93. I love three- to six-year-olds; I've never found one that doesn't make me smile.
94. I read, read, read. My new favorite magazine is Mother Jones. The Shack changed me. One of my all-time favorite books is The Friday Night Knitting Club.
95. Sundays are my favorite.
96. The most influential person in my life is my Dad. He is a hero, my hero, in every sense of that word.
97. I love to clean. I can't leave my apartment without my bed being made or picking up the dirty laundry on the floor. The smell of clean linen sets my mind at ease.
98. I sometimes eat sugar ... just straight sugar.
99. Every day I make time to run 2-4 miles.
100. I am obsessed with quotes. It's not that I live by them or think others should. I just think it's important for you to know that someone else out there, at one point, felt exactly as you do right now.

I Can Taste the Freedom :)

I just listened to this song by Taylor Swift (who I'm not usually a fan of) but it is exactly how I feel about my dad:

The Best Day

I'm five years old, it's getting cold, I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop 'til I've forgotten all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

Anyway I was going to go out tonight, but I am exhausted, need to get things done tomorrow before my family arrives and also feel much more inclined to sit in my favorite chair and listen to the thunderstorm and watch the lightening than get all dressed up to go out in the rain.

GiST 6:365

1. Driving down Rock Quarry and seeing the BRIGHT GREEN trees. So pretty.

2. The view of the lightening from the corner of Stadium and Providence

3. My friends coming up to see me bar-tend today :)

4. A nice message from my Uncle John congratulating me on graduating

5. Serving Kayla a glass of wine at the Soph (she just turned 21)

GiST 7:365

1. Waking up smiling today :) And the ride with Taxi Terri last night :) He is my favorite.

2. The E-vite to Casey & Terry's House-Warming Party

3. The text from my old boss telling me he enjoyed the other half of my pickelman's sandwich last night :)

4. Sitting on the patio with Mimi enjoying a beer to celebrate graduating!

5. Learning that my bosses pay nearly 75 grand to credit card companies just for having credit card service at the restaurants. It still blows my mind.

So, So Ready!

Forgive me, this will all be mostly about school because right now I can't even force myself to study I am so anxious to just get through my final tomorrow!

GiST 5:365

1. Completing EVERYTHING I needed to today and knowing tomorrow will be the last time I have to take a final as an undergrad.

2. Seeing the pictures of my gorgeous little sister at prom :) She's so pretty!

3. The WTF greeting card website Sumo posted - It's funny she is so brilliant!

http://www.deathsvertigo.com/wtfgreetings/

4. All of the new country songs I just downloaded. I finally got over the, "I can't listen to country because I'm single now" phase. And remembered how much I LOVE IT. Pretty sure me and my sister need to do the country concert pack at UMB this summer again.

Wild At Heart - Gloriana

5. The gorgeous weather today - I got to study

on the porch which made it not as miserable as it could have been. I still despise this class but it's over in about 12 hours!!!!!!!! woohoo!

Pray for me to pass this final, I keep freaking out thinking I'm going to fail the one class I need to graduate lol. I know it's crazy but I really haven't ever felt this unprepared. I've studied for 12 hours, still clueless.

Happy Mother's Day

Kind of strange because I actually have friends who are first time moms this year :) Crazy but wonderful... made the day take on new meaning. I took my mom to P.F. Changs on Friday when I was in town and we went shopping. I love my mom, she's become a much more recognized blessing in my life this year.

A few months ago my partner on the Innocence Project and I were in southeast MO investigating our case and she turned to me and asked, "You know what's crazy? If this girl's mom had just went looking for her we wouldn't be here 20 years later on her murder trail trying to determine what happened to her that night." I started thinking about all of the times I resented my mom for calling and checking on me or making me come home on prom night instead of going to the after party or having to see a persons parents home before I was allowed to stay at their house. I hated her for that - briefly. I remember calling her when I got home from my trip and just saying sorry and telling her how much I appreciated her protection. I know not everyone has a mom who puts their kids before everything, including themselves. And watching my younger siblings resent her the same way I did is really hard. I can't say I don't still take her for granted at times but I do know now that I let her know as much as possible how much I appreciate her. When you have a good mom, every day should be like mother's day. I think about being a mom and it terrifies me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love my children they way my mom loved my brother and sister and I. I can aspire to it, but I don't know how capable I feel of doing it. I've got a while before that's even an issue I suppose :)

Anyway I am working a double and don't have much time but wanted to put my GiST list up. I know I'm studying right after work tonight until I take my final Tuesday at 10:30.

GiST 4:365

1. My mom: in all of her overreacting, overprotective sometimes crazy ways. She is by far the greatest blessing I've had since I was traveling with her in her womb.

2. A little girl named Isadora (note to self that I LOVE that name!) at my table today who blew me kisses to apologize after swatting my hand away when I tried to pick up her bowl of ice cream that she wasn't finished with yet :)

3. Rachel and my cousin Chrissy - two of the moms that have made this day take on a brand new, wonderful meaning

4. This weekend: I got to see friends and family and still work enough to pay the bills! It was a perfect weekend and a great precursor to how my life is going to be post-graduation!

5. All of my relatives coming to watch me graduate, esp my Aunt Susan. I'm really excited to see her and show her where I live and why I love it so much :)

Credit Card Note

Tonight at work I picked up a book off of a table to find the following:

A signed mastercard slip with a $20 tip on on a $40 bill that was signed with this message on the bottom: 2nd class job, you could do much better.

At first, I was like oh crap, what did I do wrong? I couldn't stop thinking about it for the entire night. The table was in a hurry, I got their food to them really quickly because they needed to be somewhere and I laughed with them and was perfectly friendly. My friend goes: Jess... they weren't saying you did a second class job. They were saying serving is a second class job, you are capable of having a much better job.

Oh.

Maybe, I thought. But I love my job. Not as a life endeavor, but I enjoy the people I enjoy serving and it's good money. It was almost more offensive that this man thought I was settling to be a server for my life and that he looked down so much on a profession that is nothing to be ashamed of. Either way, I appreciated the jolt in my evening this man caused. It made me feel great to know someone thought I had potential, even if he was an arrogant asshole.

I had the best time I've had in a long time last night with Jen. It was perfect. Lots of dancing, laughing and just enjoying her. I'm so glad I decided to go home.

I also got to see both Casey and Stacey's new homes :) I am so happy for both of them, they both have so many exciting things going for them and I thought I would be envious, but really I'm just happy I get to be excited for/with them. They both deserve the happiness they have and I couldn't be more blessed to watch them have so many blessings unfolding in their lives :)

GiSt 3:365:

1. The note from my customer

2. Lunch with dad on the porch today: still worried about him but it was very good to see him

3. The entertaining night last night: too much to put in detail on here but it was all around a successful night!

4. The beautiful drive back from StL to CoMo today, I love when I can drive with the windows down

5. My bed and fleece cover right now. I'm so comfortable.

Oh and I bought my grad dress and shoes (pics). L.o.v.e.

Rain

I fell asleep and woke up to the rain, thunder and lightening. I used to be terrified of storms and especially despise the rain on days when I had to be on campus all day long. I've really enjoyed it lately though: the smell, the peace and the fact that I will turn off every noise-maker I have and just rest when it rains. Anyway, I'm headed home to see my mom for mother's day.

GiST 2:365

1. Rain

2. The rest I had last night after two very long days

3. The time off I was given today and tomorrow so I could see my family that I've been missing so much

4. Talking to my best friend Stacey last night for a while: we don't get to talk a lot or very often but I love catching up with her and laughing about some of the things that happen in our lives. She is such a good friend to have :)

5. The perfect amount of time I have to prep for my final now that I've completed my projects.

Have a happy Friday :)

Midwestern Innocence Project

I get a lot of questions about what I've been working on and what I'm doing after graduation. The following is a reflection piece I wrote about my work on the Project this semester. I could talk about wrongful convictions for hours on end, especially the case I'm working on, so if you're ever wondering feel free to ask. Anyway this explains what I've been doing, why and where I'm headed :)

Midwestern Innocence Project Experience

One of my most valuable experiences at the Missouri School of Journalism has been in my work with Professor Steve Weinberg and the Midwestern Innocence Project. I have learned, and continue to learn, about the many problems with our criminal justice system. More importantly, I’ve learned how to confront those problems as a journalist and investigator in an immediate, purposeful way. The Midwestern Innocence Project, in combination with the knowledge I gained in Professor Weinberg’s Intermediate Writing course, has provided me with the power and means to work with a UMKC law student on an actual innocence claim. I started work on this case in January 2009, and have spent much of my final semester of college traveling to southern Missouri to conduct numerous interviews as well as reading and organizing nearly fifteen boxes of paperwork on the case. Although I have enjoyed many story assignments I’ve been given in the journalism school, this experience has allowed me to use and strengthen my skills as a reporter and writer, and created a path for my future that I am equally passionate about and confident in pursuing.

In sum, the Midwestern Innocence Project, specifically the case that I have worked so diligently on with my partner, has taught me to be a more daring journalist. It has taught me to care more, ask both simple and complex questions and to be outraged by my findings when necessary. The case I’m working on involves a man who was co-convicted of murdering a 15-year-old girl. There is no physical evidence or DNA connecting our client to the murder. The entire case was built according to a single witness testimony that was later inflated by several people who received deals in return for statements. Our client has been in prison since 1997 for a murder I am 90 percent sure he did not commit, and my certainty increases daily.

I learned to care when I discovered the sheer magnitude of wrongful conviction cases. This was primarily in Professor Weinberg’s class, where I began and continue to pursue a profile of one of the attorneys on the board of directors at the Midwestern Innocence Project. I quickly learned how busy she was, and I committed at the point to volunteer in some way with the project in hopes of lightening the work load and to connect with the person I wanted to profile. My mind wouldn’t rest with the new knowledge that innocent people were trapped in prisons all over the country. At first, I didn’t know how much time I would be able to devote. Now I give as much of my free time as possible to the case. I find myself constantly talking about wrongful convictions, and I’m encouraged because so often the people I talk react in shock, as I did, prior to being introduced to the world of wrongful convictions.

I learned to ask a variety of questions in the interviews I’ve conducted on this case. So many professors preach that you have to ask the easy questions in order to ask the more difficult ones. I’ve learned that you have to ask both kinds of questions not because one yields the other, but because they both generate extremely valuable information. I think the best example of this in an interview I recently conducted with one of the prosecuting attorneys in our client’s case. In the very beginning of the interview I noticed a large black briefcase sitting next to my chair. Of course I began the interview by explaining who I was and a little bit about the Innocence Project, but some of my first questions were about his confidence in the use of a “Voice Stress Analyzer Test” he used in the mid-90s. He responded that he thought it was credible and that it was proven in most cases to be consistent with polygraph tests (which are also completely fallible). As he was answering I looked down at the briefcase and asked what I thought was a filler question: “Would this happen to be one of the voice-stress test machines?” It was. At that point, I didn’t necessarily find this valuable information. However, I continued to press him about the device, got to see it first hand and discovered that somehow he is still using this faulty equipment. This is when I learned that it is OK to be outraged.

When I say I learned to be outraged, I don’t mean I learned to scream or lash out at people. I’m a relatively controlled person. What I mean is that the feeling of utter frustration I experienced in the above interview has led me to speak out about the ignorance and arrogance of many people in the criminal justice system. I learned to push through the fear of the uniform and the business suit and question people until they provide a legitimate answer to the question I’m asking. In this case, my partner and I discovered the two questions people wouldn’t answer right away: What makes you believe he is guilty when the physical evidence does not match and how do you explain the lack of DNA evidence? The most common response from jurors, attorneys and law enforcement alike: “He just looked guilty.” Outrageous. And the very reason I am continuing work on this case following my graduation in May. I know now that I want to pursue a career in the criminal justice system. I’m still in the process of deciding if I want to do this as a journalist, a lawyer or in some other way. However I choose to go about it, my experience with the Midwestern Innocence Project has put me in the field and given me a memorable, real-world encounter with the injustices in our justice system.

A Piece of My Running Quote File

"The years teach much which the days never know."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."

-Gloria Steinem

“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

-Andy Warhol

"We might not understand something while it's happening to us. But if we take one stitch out of the blanket, the whole quilt would fall apart. I wouldn't change anything, even the stuff that was painful or things I didn't understand, because it might have been the one stitch that held everything together."

-Rachel Ray

"None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free."

-Pearl S. Buck

"Success: To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

-Bessie Stanley

"Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In ll the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can."

-John Wesley

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”

-Audrey Hepburn

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

-Tom Robbins (Still Life With Woodpecker)

"The meaning of good and bad, of better and worse, is simply helping or hurting."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"To be aware of a single shortcoming in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else." -Dalai Lama

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." 4-year-old Billy.

"Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world." -Jane Addams

"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker

"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." -Eric Hoffer.

"The best thermometer of your spiritual temperature is the intensity of your prayer." —Spurgeon

"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." -Chinese Proverb.

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next. Skill is knowing how to do it. Virtue is doing it." -David Starr Jordan.

"Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance." -Tagore.

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton.

"You cannot not communicate."

-Paul Watzlawick

"The best part about playing the piano is that you don’t have to lug around a saxophone."

-Gerry Mulligan

"To live each day as if it were your last, you would be trying to remedy all the mistakes you had made, all the regrets, all the things unsaid. If you live each day as if it were your first, you are freed from all obligations, all guilt, all regret."

-unknown

The highest form of prayer comes from the depths of a humble heart.

-unkown

God can turn any difficulty into an opportunity.

-unknown

But most important, it (humility) requires knowing who God is—holding Him in highest esteem and trusting Him for His best in His time. — Albert Lee

Happiness keeps you sweet,

Trials keep you strong,

Sorrows keep you human,

Failures keep you humble,

Success keeps you glowing,

But Only God Keeps You Going

One small step of obedience is a giant step to blessing.

The name Christian means an “adherent to Christ”—literally, one who “sticks” to Christ. Today many people call themselves Christians. But should they?

God’s unseen presence comforts me,

I know He’s always near;

And when life’s storms besiege my soul,

He says, “My child, I’m here.” —D. De Haan

Jesus rarely comes where we expect Him; He appears where we least expect Him, and always in the most illogical situations.

-Oswald Chambers

I wonder what I did for God today:

How many times did I once pause and pray?

But I must find and serve Him in these ways,

For life is made of ordinary days. —Macbeth

Whatever task you find to do,

Regardless if it’s big or small,

Perform it well, with all your might,

Because there’s One who sees it all. —Sper

One measure of our likeness to Christ is our sensitivity to the suffering of others.

If God has given you some special work to do that frightens you, it’s your responsibility to jump at it. It’s up to the Lord to see you through. As you faithfully do your part, He will do His part. — Richard De Haan

Old Blogs: Annoyed by an Obituary

May 12, 2008

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."

Ok, so as aspiring journalists one of the suggestions we are given at the j-school is to "blog". They say it gets us to write about anything and everything, and helps us become better writers. I've been meaning to do so all semester, and tonight I decided that I really should just do it. I love to write so why not? And who really reads these things anyway? Probably just me. Anyway, I figured one way to go about this would be to explain the quotes that I am drawn to daily and how they happen to define my life as it is usually. I am a quote freak - I'm aware. But I love when someone else perfectly captures my feelings. Plus, I find other people love reading them and often thank me for throwing them out there.

So today I woke up suprisingly calm, turned in my term paper and a take-home final and studied my little butt off for about 3 hours. Then started to stress - this is typically how my days go. I got to the Missourian (the newspaper/magazine I write for) at 3 and of all days they decided to actually give me something to do - an obituary for someone with the last name Smith. Now there are two reasons why I was stressed by this:

1. I have two finals tomorrow I was trying to study for and I needed to get out of there early to go to the review sessions

2. When you write an obituary, you're supposed to contact family members and try to make it a "life story" rather than a short little blurb. Well let's just say looking up Smith in the phonebook and trying to contact an 83 year old persons relatives is not exactly going to happen.

It's not that I mind writing obituaries - I actually enjoy it because I think they can be incredibly meaningful to families and sometimes you can write about an amazing person. But today was just not the day. It ended up turning out fine, I made a few calls - no luck but the editor said don't worry about making it a life story. I wrote the boring one and got on with my studying.

So what am I getting at? Anger/frustration gets you nowhere. It seems obvious but the way I felt for 15 minutes - the stress that mounted all over an obituary that ended up taking 20 minutes out of my day - well it wasn't really worth it! I thought about it and all I could think was that I ended up making it to my review sessions, I feel prepared for my finals, and I took 20 minutes out of my day to acknowledge the life of someone who's no longer here.

I don't know - I've been pretty consumed lately by some things that make me angry. Mainly with people who have abandoned me in the one and only time I can think of that I actually really needed people to lean on. I've realized quickly that as my life has become so filled with people, I've let some slip away. I guess I just never thought friendship should be work. It should be understood and mutual. And then again - I just think some people never genuinely cared about me. Forgiveness has never been a struggle for me - I don't know if it's just the way I was brought up or what but I don't hold grudges, I don't let little things build to the point to ruin a relationship, and I don't ever give up on people. But I find myself hurt often by people who don't realize how much they mean to me and who give up on me the instant my life changes or progresses. I can't say I'm suprised, but for some reason I am still affected by something so completely out of my control. So I continue to pray, and to forgive. What more is a girl to do? I just hope that I never turn into a person who forgets how to forgive. I never want to be the reason someone feels the loneliness I've been fighting in the past few months.

I can't say I won't be frazzled by another story thrown at me in the newsroom. I can say, however that I'm learning to love every minute of my life. And I am suprised and amazed at every turn. Despite the loss that I'm feeling, I can't describe how very happy I am right now. And I think that I am growing - and that when I look back, I will have gained much more than I have lost.

"for everything you have missed, you have gained something else"

-ralph waldo emerson

Old Blogs: The Friday Night Knitting Club

The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs (***)

If I had to summarize what the main lesson of this novel is, it would go something like this: Sometimes, you aren't strong because you want to be or because your are naturally endowed to be a tough skinned, dry-eyed individual who can handle anything. Sometimes, you're strong because you aren't given a choice. This book teaches strength in a number of relationships (mother/daughter, woman/woman, husband/wife, elder/younger), and reminded me of my mom's lesson to me while my dad was in Iraq. She always used to tell me - "I wasn't given a choice here. Dad made this choice. I get by and make it through the days because I have to. Not because I'm strong or because I don't have feelings, but because I have to. For him, for myself, and mostly for you kids." I'll never forget her saying that. When people asked her how she did it, she said "Well what else am I supposed to do? I don't have a lot of options here." And that's exactly the lesson the main character - Georgia Walker - teaches in this book. The lessons learned from her - and the directions for knitting that are two-fold...making one want to learn to knit ASAP and that equally apply to life - are applicable in a countless number of situations.

From the Instructions:

"The Gathering: Choosing your wool is dizzying with potential: The waves of colors and textures tempt with visions of a sweater or cap (and all the accompanying compliments you hope to receive) but don't reveal the hard work required to get there. Patience and attention to detail make all the difference. Also willingness. Challenge keeps it interesting, but don't select a pattern that is too far beyond you. Always select the best yarn you can afford. And use the type of needles that feels best in your hand..."

"Casting On: The only way to get going is to just grasp that yarn between your fingers and twist. Just start. It's the same with life. Of course, every beginning won't be the same: There are dozens of ways to cast on and they vary based on skill or design or even just relying on the tried and true. My point: Sometimes what works for one piece isn't the right way next time. You have to experiment and see what works. But there's a similartiy no matter the method: you either try or you don't."

"Doing the Gauge: Take measure of yourself against the expectation (Otherwise what you make just won't fit!)"

"Knit and Purl: Knit is what you show the world; purl is the soft, bubbly underside you keep close to the skin."

"Ripping It Out: All you have to do is forgive."

"Starting Again: No, there's a secret hope that makes you hold on, to dream that you'll get it right someday, that you'll go back and take it up again and it will finally come out right. That this time all the pieces will fit. The mistake is waiting until you feel renewed enough to give it another try. You simply have to pick up the needles and keep at it anyway."

"Binding Off: You can't keep your garment on needles forever; eventually it's going to have to exist on its own, supporting itself."

"Sewing It All Together: It's always easier to knit a sweater in sections: the front, the back, the sleeves. The benefit is that if one section is frustrating you, it can be put aside and you can move on to something else until you're ready to finish. that's not the same as giving up: that's being smart...Sometimes you just want to gaze on things awhile, to keep them fresh and perfect as long as you can."

"Wearing What You've Made: But just put it on anyway; celebrate your hard work and your talent. And your love. Why else would we create? Especially in a world that doesn't need homemade anything. That's when we need homemade everything. It never matters if things don't end up just the way you planned. Every moment is a work in progress; every stitch is one stitch closer. There may be worse, but there is always better. When you wear something you've made with your own hands, you surround yourself with love, and all the love that came before you . The real achievement, you see, is being proud of what you've made. I know that I am."

Other Quotes that spoke directly to me:

"Honey, being a woman is all about being sore. Get used to it."

"Love, Lucie had learned over the years, can smother you."

" It is a beautiful gift, thought Anita, to have your mother be your very dearest and best friend. It is quite another to try to be hers. Then you'd have to actaully get to know her. As a real person."

"Sometimes God answers a prayer you didn't know you had."

"We all find ourselves in places we don't expect, Cat. Situations that seem out of our control," she said. "The challenge is making our way out of them."

"Be your own saftey and security! Every woman should have credit in her own name."

"And failure, if you want to know, Dakota, is just another opportunity to try again."

"Stress is not about the situation my dear, it's about the person. There's some who can handle it and there's some who can't."

"Though the old woman was pleased, having learned through the years that a true friendship never really ended. It could always come round again."

"We don't always get what we deserve. Sometimes we get more; sometimes we get less. At least we get something."

"The things is," Anita began quietly, "that when you're young, you always think you'll meet all sorts of wonderful people, that drifting apart and losing friends is natural. You don't worry, at first, about the friends you leave behind. But as you get older, it gets harder to build friendships. Too many defenses, too little opportunity. You get busy. And by the time you realize that you've lost the dearest best friend you've ever had, years have gone by and you're mature enough to be embarrased by your attitude and, frankly, by your arrogance."

Old Blogs: Love Walked In

♥ Love Walked In ♥ by Marisa De Los Santos

This story isn't your fairytale romance, your picture perfect love. But it's love in every sense of the word: familial, friendship, romantic, and parental. This is a perfect depiction of what it means, from the eyes of a child and a woman, to search and hold on to love. The story addresses abandonment, loneliness, fear and ultimate joy. I closed this book feeling as though I just woke up and saw how important it is to hold on tight to the people I love, to tell them how much I loved them, and how I wanted immediately to start living with the grace and gratitude reflected by the two main characters, Clare and Cornelia. I think the message of this book is powerful due to Santos ability to pull at the heart-strings of anyone who's ever felt utterly alone, known love, or been terrified to know love because they know what it feels like to feel utterly alone. And it's the nature of the child, Clare, her strength, will and faith that bring readers of any age to yearn for the heart of a child when facing the struggles in life and love. If everyone could love, give, forgive and care the way that Clare and Cornelia do, the world would be a much more beautiful place.

Passages I Noted Throughout the Book:

♥ Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears.

♥ For another thing, he wasn't a list of attributes, but a flesh-and-blood man, as physically present a prescence as anyone I'd met in my life. When he told me he loved me, he said it in his particular voice with catches in his particular throat, and the bones and muscles of his face moved in familiar ways and also in ways I'd never seen. Can you understand what I'm saying? I'm not just talking again about the power of physical beauty. Less-than-fantastic sex notwithstanding, we were intimates; I'd breathed his breath, my skin knew his skin, my nerve endings had sparked under his touch. That kind of knowledge was deep and had never been something I could walk away from with ease. And he had taste and humor and effortless elegance.He was down right debonair, and how many men could you say that about? And, OK, he was. He was so beautiful.

♥ I don't think love is blind, but wanting to be in love, that's probably blind.

♥ True love is probably the most clear-eyed state of being there is.

♥ What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness

♥ There's a kind of holiness to love, requited or not, and those people who don't receive it with gratitude are arrogant beyond saving.

♥ She thought about the word "capture," how it put a writer on par with a fur trapper or big-game hunter, and how it implied that stories were whole and roaming around loose in the world, and a writer's job was to catch them. Except of course that a writer didn't kill what she caught, didn't stuff it and hang it on a wall; the point was to keep stories alive. She felt skeptical about this way of thinking about writing, she decided, but was glad to have considered it.

♥ When disaster strikes, I want my mother. I want her, I want her, I want her.

♥ There are facts and then there is knowledge that has nothing to do with fact.

♥ Our family is as happy as Martin was debonair: unassailably, impenetrably, consummately. We are a pretty picture hung on the gleaming nail of my mother, who is the most consummate one of all, and carved into our pretty frame are the words: DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

♥ What do you do when you're in love with the last man in the world you can have? You plan a life, a real life, without him.

♥ And somehow to Clare, this seemed no less magical than flowers that stayed alive for years, that one woman could so love another woman that she kept doing nice things for her even after she was gone. Like love was a habit you couldn't break. (About Mrs. Goldberg)

♥ Love was mixed up in all of it, like gold in a pan of sand. Sift. Sort. Pay attention.

♥ If you're the kind of person I used to be, you might think that real life means going after what you want and getting it. I thought that, as I skirted those edges (and don't get me wrong, I liked that skirting; there was joy in it - most of the time, that skirting was the lightest kind of dancing), gazing into other people's real lives like lit-up houses, places in which real people did the work of real life. I believed they'd all achieved their hearts' desires or were in the process of achieving them. There. That's what I mean: I believed the process of achieving them was life...

I'd figured out that a real life didnt' mean attaining my heart's desire, but knowing it, meant not the satisfaction, but the longing. Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets.

♥ Yes, it's true, what I said earlier: A real life doesn't mean getting what you want; the acievement, the privilege, too, is knowing what you love. But getting what you love? Having what you love love you back? Oh, my friend, it's a miracle: your one tiny life's head-on collision with divinity.

♥ Because that's what love does: You give up a house that's been your heart's home most of your life and come away feeling like you've been handed the sun and the moon.

♥Suddenly it seemed vitally important that everyone I loved know exactly how and how much. I felt feverish with them to know.

♥ My heart is large; it can contain everything at once, and the road I'm on with Teo, can you see it? It runs forward and backward and no matter which we travel on it, the direction is the same. You know the direction I mean: Homeward.

Grace In Small Things

"It is with this thought that I am beginning one year of posts called "Grace In Small Things". Every day for 365 days, I will post a list of five things that have graced my life, either on that day or at any time in my life. Feel free to join me. Or mock me. Or, you know, do whatever's in your heart. You can start on whatever day you want, so if you come across this six months from now, don't let that hold you back."

-Schmutzie (http://www.schmutzie.com/2008/11/grace-in-small-things.html)

A New Challenge

I think this will help keep me faithful to my blog. And it's just a brilliant idea!

GiST 1:365

1. E-mail from my dad this morning, rather lengthy for my dad, telling me he's excited to see me :)

2. Waking up at exactly 8 a.m. (when I was supposed to be in class presenting) and arriving just in time for my group to present last

3. Sitting in my last college class as an undergraduate at this moment

4. Raising my hand to let everyone know I graduate!!!

Excitement.

If you’re waiting for answered prayer or the fulfillment of one of His promises, don’t give up. If you think He has forgotten you, think again. When the fullness of time is right for you, He’ll show up—and you’ll be amazed by His brilliant timing!

- Joe Stowell

I'm so anxious to finish these projects but I wanted to write on here first. It's been tremendously helpful for me to vent here lately so I figure I should continue.

I'm really missing my family, especially my dad right now. He's super unhappy in his job and I seriously worry every single day that his heart is going to act up. He's always had heart trouble and every time I talk to my mom she tells me how miserable he is. I love my dad so much and I just constantly worry about him.

At the same time I'm in love with the beautiful weather, the freedom I feel coming on post-graduation, and the friendships I've begun to build with both people here and family. Sometimes I don't feel like I can keep up with everyone, which is funny because I keep saying how lonely I am. Anyway I'm grateful for the love surrounding me. I'm trying to be strong and remember the promises I've made to myself for the next year.

One more thing- I was thinking of all of the great women in my life. Mom, Aunt Susan, Gma, SusieQ, Stacey Marie, Rachel, Sumo, Mimi, JMalle, JLew, Frischy, Smartie, AH, JR, Robin, Renee, Chrissy, Morgan& Mal, Jasmine, Mel, Casey and Jim & Jas (basically as great as the girls :)) I'm so lucky. And maybe I am a little bit feminst because I know such amazing women!

I'm almost a college grad :) time to work so I can celebrate!

btw - not talking to all of the boys from my past has been delightfully liberating so far

Oh, and I'm buying a black maxi dress from Ely's tomorrow that I can't afford.

Point (II).

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."

- Bo Jackson

My dad sends me these wonderful, short devotional readings every day. I try to read them in the mornings, because they set my mind right and my heart at ease. Yesterday's read:

Jesus whispers “I am with you”
In the hour of deepest need;When the way is dark and lonesome,
“I am with you, I will lead.” —Morris

First make sure you are with Him, then you can be sure He’ll be with you.

There's a reason this was meaningful to me - mainly because I'm feeling lonely these days. But it's the weirdest kind of loneliness because I really don't want it to change. I enjoy my peace and quiet, I enjoy and despise being this lonely. It's hard to explain. But for example, tonight at work I was talking with the girls and every one of them was complaining about not wanting to have sex with their significant others. And I didn't really say much in the conversation, mainly because I don't have this problem as of present. But rather than feeling left out or extremely happy I wasn't sharing their misery - I was just kind of... blank. I started thinking about things bigger than my friendships and my lack of a steady relationship and about all of the things I have been called to do recently. As I stood there and the conversation continued I slowly walked away from it, not because I didn't care but just because I feel so wholly divorced from all of my closest friends. A part of me wishes I had a man to fill the void in my life, but much more of me realizes no man is going to be able to do that until I let God fill the void he's created for me. He's got a huge to-do list for me, and it's only manageable if I go at it solo (with Him as my guide of course).

Before I forget them (these to-do's), I figure I should write down what I will be doing beginning May 16. I've already started preparing and saving, none of these are overly ambitious or shortcoming of any ability I might have. I only ask for your encouragement, belief and support. Thank you :)

1. 1. Trip to IL to see my cousin, meet her baby girls and get out of Columbia in celebration of graduation!

2. Trip to KY to spend time with my Aunt Susan who I miss and who reminds me daily to value my almost-complete independence (I rely on God, he requires my complete dependence on Him more often that I'd like to hand it over ... ahem all the time)

3.Go an a cruise with my girlfriends.

4. 4th of July at the Lake (It's been far too many summers since I've been to the Lake!)

5. Plan a fabulous shower/bachelorette party for my best friend :) and be in my first wedding, ever! in October as the maid-of-honor
6. Mission Trip to Africa (3-6 weeks). Find someone to go on this mission trip with me.

7. Take the LSAT, apply to law school October-December

<<

8. Trip to Florida to spend time with my beautifully-aging

grandparents :)

9. Get the innocence case I'm currently working on to the point that I can hand it over to the lawyers on the Project and hopefully free my client in the next few years
10. Pay off all credit cards, work my little butt off before making any of the trips and eliminate extra costs to save (by far the most challenging on this list)

11. Travel to STL at least twice a month to spend time with my parents

12. Spend at least 1 day a week with my little sister so she knows she can come to me even though she's all grown up and in college now

13. Complete a marathon. Just one, I've never done one and I think it's something I will enjoy

14. Become an official member of my church here, volunteer weekly in the nursery so I can have my baby-fix and share The Crossing with more people I know will love it as much as I do

15. Write a biography for the Iraqi interpreter that protected and worked alongside my dad while he was in Iraq- something which he has been so patiently asking and waiting for me to do since the day I met him

16. Camping Trip with Dad.

Yes, God. I know now. All of these things are precisely why I am not planning a wedding or jumping straight into a job. For I know the plans you have for me, and they are great. Today's devotional from my dad read:

"Keep listening for the “still small voice”

If you are weary on life’s road;

The Lord will make your heart rejoice

If you will let Him take your load."

—Hess

To tune in to God’s voice we must tune out this world’s noise.

--> Um, OK Mr. Jackson. I think I've got my goals set high enough, and I dont' really plan on stopping.