Psalm 139: Dee Dee's Adaptation

Jehovah, Sovereign God, always existing, one true God.

You have searched me - when I rise up in the morning, where I sit during the day, wherever I am, always.

You perceive, understand and know my thoughts. You recognize my ways and are familiar with them - my daily paths of life, my manners, my habits, my moral character.

You know what I will say, before I do. This is way too much for me to understand, to comprehend. Yet, this is from your word, so I believe it's true.

How do you hem me in? How is your hand upon me? Please let me recognize this today.

Your presence is everywhere, in the heavens, in the depths of the valleys and oceans. At the dawn of each new day, you are there. You are here, and if I travel to the farthest sea, you're there. You're light is in darkness; you illuminate even darkness.

You made me, created and formed me, reverently, honorably, respectfully, wonderfully. I was not hidden from you. You saw my unformed body. All my days were written in the past, before I was born.

Oh Sovereign Creator, thoughts of you are precious, yet I can't comprehend all of you.

You knew me before I was, you know me today, tomorrow.

Search me. My mind. My heart. Examine, scrutinize, test and prove me.

In all of my anxieties and thoughts that disquiet me, show me where I think wrong.

Look, consider, distinguish my ways and show me my wickedness, unrighteousness, my sorrow and my idols.

Lead me in the way everlasting for I am confident that you, Father, who began the good work of your salvation in me and sealed me with your Holy Spirit will complete what you started.

Lead me in your way everlasting. Amen.

Twinkle

I began reading the book Twinkle yesterday by Elisa Morgan. It's one that's been on my bookshelf waiting patiently for me. I realized that in all of the frenzy of studying for my big test this week, I have been spiritually starving myself and I decided that no matter how well or hard I study, if I don't remember to pray first and to spend my time with God each day, I won't be as prepared as I should be by Saturday because God is my biggest motivator and supporter. So first I will share a passage from the book that I absolutely loved, and then my prayer from this morning. And no matter how busy you might be or how much might be pending on your to-do list today, I just want to remind everyone that this is the time to prepare your hearts for Jesus coming. That no matter how important everything else might seem, above all else now is when we must get alone with God and ask him to fill our hearts with his knowledge, love and grace so we might truly enjoy the joy of the Christmas season.

There was once a dark cave, deep down in the ground underneath the earth and hidden away from view. Because it was so deep in the earth, the light had never been there. The cave had never seen light. The word "light" meant nothing to the cave, who couldn't imagine what "light" might be.

The one day, the sun sent an invitation to the cave, inviting it to come up and visit.

When the cave came up to visit the sun it was amazed and delighted because the cave had never seen light before, and it was dazzled by the wonder of the experience.

Feeling so grateful to the sun for inviting it to visit, the cave wanted to return the kindness and so it invited the sun to come down to visit it sometime, because the sun had never seen darkness.

So the day came, and the sun came down and was courteously shown into the cave.

As the sun entered the cave, it looked around with great interest, wondering what "darkness" would be like. Then it became puzzled, and asked the cave, "Where is the darkness?"

Twinkle is about figuring out what kind of light you are, be it a flashlight or a pen light or a spotlight or whichever kind of light you choose, and encouraging us to be lights wherever we are. It reminded me of the song from my childhood, "This little light of mine," and I realized I haven't been letting my little light shine. Have you? Today is the day :)

Here was my prayer from this morning.

Dear Lord,

I wonder what you think of our frenzy and our long lists and our weariness. Help me to hear and accept your invitation to come away and rest awhile with you. Lord I know you are the only way I will have confidence and not be weary this week. Remind me you’re at my side, you’re on my side and that you will help me to do my best. I ask that I will be reminded these next four weeks that it is advent, that I am preparing my heart for the arrival of your Son, Jesus. And not to forget that although all of the other things going on are important, nothing is as important as preparing my heart and kneeling before you. I ask that I might twinkle, as a flashlight or a pen light. I ask that I might have my eyes opened to exactly what kind of light I am. Lord I thank you for your amazing grace, your kingdom of grace. After church yesterday I realized that the LSAT and law school are kind of like the kingdom of google that the pastor was speaking about … so many performance based criteria to be allowed entrance. And I’m just grateful Lord for you, that I don’t have to pass a test or fill out an application to be granted entry into your kingdom of grace. Remind that that is the ultimate acceptance letter I could be given (and have already received!) in these next few weeks. Please forgive me for not counting on you more, for not spending enough time with you each day Lord. Help me to make time for you, for those I love and to study. Help me prioritize with you first.

Thank you, Lord for your encouragement.

Amen.

Old Blogs: The Friday Night Knitting Club

The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs (***)

If I had to summarize what the main lesson of this novel is, it would go something like this: Sometimes, you aren't strong because you want to be or because your are naturally endowed to be a tough skinned, dry-eyed individual who can handle anything. Sometimes, you're strong because you aren't given a choice. This book teaches strength in a number of relationships (mother/daughter, woman/woman, husband/wife, elder/younger), and reminded me of my mom's lesson to me while my dad was in Iraq. She always used to tell me - "I wasn't given a choice here. Dad made this choice. I get by and make it through the days because I have to. Not because I'm strong or because I don't have feelings, but because I have to. For him, for myself, and mostly for you kids." I'll never forget her saying that. When people asked her how she did it, she said "Well what else am I supposed to do? I don't have a lot of options here." And that's exactly the lesson the main character - Georgia Walker - teaches in this book. The lessons learned from her - and the directions for knitting that are two-fold...making one want to learn to knit ASAP and that equally apply to life - are applicable in a countless number of situations.

From the Instructions:

"The Gathering: Choosing your wool is dizzying with potential: The waves of colors and textures tempt with visions of a sweater or cap (and all the accompanying compliments you hope to receive) but don't reveal the hard work required to get there. Patience and attention to detail make all the difference. Also willingness. Challenge keeps it interesting, but don't select a pattern that is too far beyond you. Always select the best yarn you can afford. And use the type of needles that feels best in your hand..."

"Casting On: The only way to get going is to just grasp that yarn between your fingers and twist. Just start. It's the same with life. Of course, every beginning won't be the same: There are dozens of ways to cast on and they vary based on skill or design or even just relying on the tried and true. My point: Sometimes what works for one piece isn't the right way next time. You have to experiment and see what works. But there's a similartiy no matter the method: you either try or you don't."

"Doing the Gauge: Take measure of yourself against the expectation (Otherwise what you make just won't fit!)"

"Knit and Purl: Knit is what you show the world; purl is the soft, bubbly underside you keep close to the skin."

"Ripping It Out: All you have to do is forgive."

"Starting Again: No, there's a secret hope that makes you hold on, to dream that you'll get it right someday, that you'll go back and take it up again and it will finally come out right. That this time all the pieces will fit. The mistake is waiting until you feel renewed enough to give it another try. You simply have to pick up the needles and keep at it anyway."

"Binding Off: You can't keep your garment on needles forever; eventually it's going to have to exist on its own, supporting itself."

"Sewing It All Together: It's always easier to knit a sweater in sections: the front, the back, the sleeves. The benefit is that if one section is frustrating you, it can be put aside and you can move on to something else until you're ready to finish. that's not the same as giving up: that's being smart...Sometimes you just want to gaze on things awhile, to keep them fresh and perfect as long as you can."

"Wearing What You've Made: But just put it on anyway; celebrate your hard work and your talent. And your love. Why else would we create? Especially in a world that doesn't need homemade anything. That's when we need homemade everything. It never matters if things don't end up just the way you planned. Every moment is a work in progress; every stitch is one stitch closer. There may be worse, but there is always better. When you wear something you've made with your own hands, you surround yourself with love, and all the love that came before you . The real achievement, you see, is being proud of what you've made. I know that I am."

Other Quotes that spoke directly to me:

"Honey, being a woman is all about being sore. Get used to it."

"Love, Lucie had learned over the years, can smother you."

" It is a beautiful gift, thought Anita, to have your mother be your very dearest and best friend. It is quite another to try to be hers. Then you'd have to actaully get to know her. As a real person."

"Sometimes God answers a prayer you didn't know you had."

"We all find ourselves in places we don't expect, Cat. Situations that seem out of our control," she said. "The challenge is making our way out of them."

"Be your own saftey and security! Every woman should have credit in her own name."

"And failure, if you want to know, Dakota, is just another opportunity to try again."

"Stress is not about the situation my dear, it's about the person. There's some who can handle it and there's some who can't."

"Though the old woman was pleased, having learned through the years that a true friendship never really ended. It could always come round again."

"We don't always get what we deserve. Sometimes we get more; sometimes we get less. At least we get something."

"The things is," Anita began quietly, "that when you're young, you always think you'll meet all sorts of wonderful people, that drifting apart and losing friends is natural. You don't worry, at first, about the friends you leave behind. But as you get older, it gets harder to build friendships. Too many defenses, too little opportunity. You get busy. And by the time you realize that you've lost the dearest best friend you've ever had, years have gone by and you're mature enough to be embarrased by your attitude and, frankly, by your arrogance."

Old Blogs: Love Walked In

♥ Love Walked In ♥ by Marisa De Los Santos

This story isn't your fairytale romance, your picture perfect love. But it's love in every sense of the word: familial, friendship, romantic, and parental. This is a perfect depiction of what it means, from the eyes of a child and a woman, to search and hold on to love. The story addresses abandonment, loneliness, fear and ultimate joy. I closed this book feeling as though I just woke up and saw how important it is to hold on tight to the people I love, to tell them how much I loved them, and how I wanted immediately to start living with the grace and gratitude reflected by the two main characters, Clare and Cornelia. I think the message of this book is powerful due to Santos ability to pull at the heart-strings of anyone who's ever felt utterly alone, known love, or been terrified to know love because they know what it feels like to feel utterly alone. And it's the nature of the child, Clare, her strength, will and faith that bring readers of any age to yearn for the heart of a child when facing the struggles in life and love. If everyone could love, give, forgive and care the way that Clare and Cornelia do, the world would be a much more beautiful place.

Passages I Noted Throughout the Book:

♥ Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears.

♥ For another thing, he wasn't a list of attributes, but a flesh-and-blood man, as physically present a prescence as anyone I'd met in my life. When he told me he loved me, he said it in his particular voice with catches in his particular throat, and the bones and muscles of his face moved in familiar ways and also in ways I'd never seen. Can you understand what I'm saying? I'm not just talking again about the power of physical beauty. Less-than-fantastic sex notwithstanding, we were intimates; I'd breathed his breath, my skin knew his skin, my nerve endings had sparked under his touch. That kind of knowledge was deep and had never been something I could walk away from with ease. And he had taste and humor and effortless elegance.He was down right debonair, and how many men could you say that about? And, OK, he was. He was so beautiful.

♥ I don't think love is blind, but wanting to be in love, that's probably blind.

♥ True love is probably the most clear-eyed state of being there is.

♥ What she came to was that even if someone wasn't perfect or even especially good, you couldn't dismiss the love they felt. Love was always love; it had a rightness all its own, even if the person feeling the love was full of wrongness

♥ There's a kind of holiness to love, requited or not, and those people who don't receive it with gratitude are arrogant beyond saving.

♥ She thought about the word "capture," how it put a writer on par with a fur trapper or big-game hunter, and how it implied that stories were whole and roaming around loose in the world, and a writer's job was to catch them. Except of course that a writer didn't kill what she caught, didn't stuff it and hang it on a wall; the point was to keep stories alive. She felt skeptical about this way of thinking about writing, she decided, but was glad to have considered it.

♥ When disaster strikes, I want my mother. I want her, I want her, I want her.

♥ There are facts and then there is knowledge that has nothing to do with fact.

♥ Our family is as happy as Martin was debonair: unassailably, impenetrably, consummately. We are a pretty picture hung on the gleaming nail of my mother, who is the most consummate one of all, and carved into our pretty frame are the words: DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

♥ What do you do when you're in love with the last man in the world you can have? You plan a life, a real life, without him.

♥ And somehow to Clare, this seemed no less magical than flowers that stayed alive for years, that one woman could so love another woman that she kept doing nice things for her even after she was gone. Like love was a habit you couldn't break. (About Mrs. Goldberg)

♥ Love was mixed up in all of it, like gold in a pan of sand. Sift. Sort. Pay attention.

♥ If you're the kind of person I used to be, you might think that real life means going after what you want and getting it. I thought that, as I skirted those edges (and don't get me wrong, I liked that skirting; there was joy in it - most of the time, that skirting was the lightest kind of dancing), gazing into other people's real lives like lit-up houses, places in which real people did the work of real life. I believed they'd all achieved their hearts' desires or were in the process of achieving them. There. That's what I mean: I believed the process of achieving them was life...

I'd figured out that a real life didnt' mean attaining my heart's desire, but knowing it, meant not the satisfaction, but the longing. Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets.

♥ Yes, it's true, what I said earlier: A real life doesn't mean getting what you want; the acievement, the privilege, too, is knowing what you love. But getting what you love? Having what you love love you back? Oh, my friend, it's a miracle: your one tiny life's head-on collision with divinity.

♥ Because that's what love does: You give up a house that's been your heart's home most of your life and come away feeling like you've been handed the sun and the moon.

♥Suddenly it seemed vitally important that everyone I loved know exactly how and how much. I felt feverish with them to know.

♥ My heart is large; it can contain everything at once, and the road I'm on with Teo, can you see it? It runs forward and backward and no matter which we travel on it, the direction is the same. You know the direction I mean: Homeward.

Solitude

I just began reading Eat.Pray.Love. last night while I was in Hermann at Ben's dad's house. After spending a relaxing day with my best friend and Ben's family, I was feeling quite perturbed about a number of things despite the calm nature of the day and some much needed girl talk. Within the first few pages of the book, I realized exactly what I needed - a moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. And by a moment I don't mean a few seconds or a few minutes or even a few hours. I need some time. Some time to detox, regroup, forgive, and enjoy. I need a day without the internet, without my phone, without questions, without worry. Without a family who cares, friends who care, a boyfriend who cares, strangers who care, enemies who care. Or maybe 5 days, or maybe more. I stumbled across a question yesterday, "do you ever play hookie from life?" I answered "occassionally". But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "No. No I don't. No I have never done that." I haven't. Okay maybe Vegas was an exception. But that is the only time I think I can say I skipped out on the everyday worries and happenings of my life. I'm tired. And confused, and angry. I make it through right now because I have loving girls around me who make it all disappear momentarily. But then I come home, or answer the phone, or look at words and bills screaming in my face and I get so caught up and smothered by everything. There are a number of reasons for the anxiety and confusion I feel right now, but before I start writing about all of those reasons (if I ever choose to do so), I am going to play hookie. I am going to spend some serious time with myself. I was advised to do this by my boss and I've yet to actually listen to his advice. But I think I need to first, stop the flow of opinion from everyone around me all together. Then, slowly begin to sort out the mess of things going on in my life, starting with the small messes and working my way up. And then, when I'm ready, to determine what I want to do and change in my life in order to gain back the control I once had. All I keep thinking is how to go about this without pissing everyone off. But at this point, I know I need to do it for me. There just never seems like an appropriate time. But the longer I wait, the more messy everything is becoming. So it's time. I am going to force myself to be with myself, and to be ok with it. And I figure, if I have to be alone, I can at least start the blog I've been wanting to start and write about my thoughts as I take this break. I am banning myself from all other forms of communication, in hopes of reopening the communication between my own mind and thoughts and also God and I.

If you pray, please pray that I find some answers. And if not, please grant me this time I need for myself. Love.