I think my pastor put it perfectly for me last week at church. He said, "Who sets the agenda in your life?" And he went on to tell the story of Jonah and gave the example of being tugged and beat to the bottom of the ocean and being able to do nothing about it until the ocean finally threw him on the shore. Message of the sermon: If your life is like this, if the same things keep happening, if you feel broken and beaten to the bottom of the ocean floor, you're not letting God handle your agenda. Message to me: You just got vomited onto the beach. Take a few minutes to gather yourself, get up and walk in new direction. And this time, put yourself in the passenger seat and let God drive you in the right direction.
Yes, I can see the reckless patterns in my life. I'm trying to find him, whoever he is. Obviously, I'm not doing a good job. And honestly, I don't want to pick him anymore. I want God to pick him. I want who God wants for me.
So I'm going to write down my dream. And it will be tucked away here, and hopefully in the coming years I'll remember to read back to this and my dream will be reality. I can at least aspire to and pray for that.
I hope that one day I will be doing something every day that helps others who can't help themselves. Whether it's being a journalist who writes about the injustices in the world, a lawyer who defends justice or some higher calling that God has in store for me. Whatever it is, I hope that my career will be one that gives my life a purpose every single day, gives me joy and brings joy to as many other people as possible. I don't hope to save the world, but I want to better my small part of the world. I want to leave my small footprints wherever I end up.
I hope that one day I will be a wife to a man who loves me unconditionally. Who can't look at me without having to catch his breath. Who doesn't take me for granted. Who loves to love, me. I hope that he will think of me in every aspect, in every decision of his life. I hope that he will allow me to love him with the massive amount of love that I have to offer to the right man. I hope that he understands my quick temper, my big dreams and my inability to always show the affection I have for him outwardly every day. I hope that he will share my similar dreams of doing good in the world. I hope that he will be excited and passionate about being in my family. I pray, too that his family will embrace and love me. I hope that he will never make me second-guess myself. That he won't make me feel stupid or less than beautiful. I pray that he will be a Christian man. I hope that we will have met in the right way, that we didn't move too quickly or anxiously. And I hope that we will both just know, that there will be no games or uncertainty at any point in our meeting and marriage. Finally, I hope that he is healthy and that we will live a long and happy life with one another.
I hope that I will be a mother. That I will be able to have beautiful children who will grow up happy and healthy.
I hope that I will have reason to smile every day.
I pray that all of my wonderful friends will still be in my life in one way or another. I pray that they, too, will be living out their dreams. And I hope that we will still make time for one another as often as possible.
I hope that I will live in a warm, beautiful and inviting home.
I hope that I will remember now, and all times in which I have been completely humiliated to the point where I can't bring myself to look at myself, and I will know that even in those times I was ultimately one of the luckiest human beings in the world.
I hope that I will have learned how to forgive myself. That I will be disciplined and devoted.
I hope that I will thank God every day for bringing me to that point. And that I will have enjoyed every day between now and when all of this comes true.
