Year 25

25.

This was written over the course of a 10-day vacation and time of solitude while I was in Florida and Kentucky celebrating my 25th birthday.

Every year during my birthday week I visit my grandparents in Florida. I call it a vacation; it’s really a time for me to find my center. It’s like my “New Years.” I think about the past year. I plan for the one to come. I pray. I sit and let the ocean wash over me. I am reminded how beautiful life is. I write. It’s one of the only times I have to just be alone with myself and pour out all of the pent up emotion. Every year I vow to journal, to write daily. And every year I realize I’ve neglected to do this, although I believe it’s one of the most valuable things a woman can do for herself. It will be a goal of mine once again in year 25.

What prompted me to write today? I was reading Real Simple on the plane and came across an essay contest with the prompt, “When did you first understand the meaning of love?” My first thought was, “Can I write about this if I’m not currently in love?” and the second was “Do I understand the meaning of love?” Of course I can and I do. In fact, I think I might have more clarity about when it was I understood because I am not in love … with a man, anyway.

I plan to get to that while I’m here this week. But there are much more pressing things on my mind that I need to attend to before I will be able to gather myself on that subject.

I always try to organize my thoughts before I write, but I think I need to write straight from my heart. So I don’t promise this to be in logical order, but it will be honest and it will be a reflection of exactly where I am.

First: reflection on year 24. In one word, it was painful. Year 24 was extremely painful. I am still sore from the amount of growing and beating up that went on this past year. I don’t think I need to go into the details of the lost relationship or the first year at my “big girl” job. I think what I really need to get to in order to explain the pain is what I’ve done to myself.

Year 22 … this is the last time I remember being true to myself. I was living for me. I had big dreams, high hopes, strong self-esteem and plenty of self-respect. I was so alive. And then I graduated from college, and instead of taking off I grounded myself. I got scared. I was so incredibly scared. Would I ever find the man of my dreams? Would I be successful? Would I even find a job? When you start letting fear creep in, it spreads like heat through a wet towel. Was I spending enough time with my family? How long would grandma and grandpa’s health hold up? What about Mom and Dad’s health? Where did I want to live? Should I go to law school? Where in the world do I go from here? For the first time I didn’t really have a plan. The morning after graduation, someone knocked on my door, offered me a much-needed answer to all of my uncertainty, and without so much as a blink I said OK. Someone sat down in front of me, poured out his love to me, and I said OK. I actually started the entire relationship on a lie. Because the truth is I nodded and said, “yes I feel the same way,” and I was still half-asleep. Literally (because it was 7 am the morning after my college graduation), and figuratively (because I had no idea how I really felt about him; I just knew he offered me the security of knowing exactly what he wanted … me, and that’s something I was entirely clueless of for my own life at the time). So I went with it. Did I fall in love with him? Absolutely. Was it for the right reasons? Absolutely not. I didn’t love him enough, and I think I might be the only person that understands what I mean by that. It certainly didn’t make sense to him when I told him, anyway. In fact, I think when you tell a man you don’t love him you are quite possibly the closest you will ever be to understanding what the meaning of love is. Breaking someone because you have led him on and lied to him and made him believe that you felt how he truly feels … that broke me. All I wanted to do was go back to the day he knocked on my door, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth … “I don’t know how I feel about you,” or “I’m not ready for this,” or ANYTHING besides, “OK.” Because undoing the love I built with him has shattered any ounce of strength I rebuilt from all of those who came before him.

What I believe is even more heartbreaking than what I just explained, though, is from that day I said “OK” to him following my graduation, I continued to make the same mistake in every other part of my life. I kept saying “OK” when things really weren’t OK at all. OK, I’ll stay in Columbia instead of moving to New York or Chicago or Kansas City or back to St. Louis. OK, I will practically move in with you and become a ghost to a roommate I never gave a chance. OK we don’t have to go to that church that I loved and where I met God if it makes you uncomfortable. OK I don’t have time to do my bible study/journal anymore because I am too busy running the dog or doing your laundry or hanging out with your family. OK I will stop talking to my guy friends because you’re jealous. OK I’ll let you convince me I need to grow up and the girls are hindering that. OK I will fall asleep to the TV on even though I never had a TV in my room growing up and I sleep better in a dark, quiet room. OK I will be miserably uncomfortable sleeping next to sweaty boy and dog that scratches me and walks all over me all night. OK, I will accept my terrible LSAT score instead of trying harder. OK I will let my ex continue to poison my heart by letting him back in. OK, I will take a job because it’s a job and I should feel blessed to have the opportunity. OK I will live with you, even though I never wanted to live with a man before I was engaged. OK I will try harder to make this work because I can’t stand to see you hurt like this. OK I will stay in this apartment alone and take all of the responsibility so you can move on because I am so ravished with guilt I can’t look at myself in the mirror. OK I will let a guy stand me up three times and still give him the time of day when he drunk dials. OK I will still carry on a conversation with a guy who has informed me he has a huge crush on my friend … and me. OK I will agree to do work I don’t have time to do but it’s what I love and I’m sorry but I will probably let you down, yet again. OK! I am not at all OK. This is why year 24 was so painful.

So here are my Year 25 resolutions. First, here is the prayer from the bottom of my heart for this year and for my life:

Father God, bring me back to where I was with you. I surrender. Forgive me for going astray. I love you, and I truly believe in your plan and will for my life. Give me the self-control and confidence to become a woman who shines with the good kind of love, the love that only you have to offer.

In your name, Amen.

Resolutions

25
1. Live within my means (budget).
2. Be picky about who I date. Find a good, worthwhile person to spend my days with.
3. Drink less. Know my limits.
4. Work toward my dream job with an innocence project.
5. Be a better friend. Be more thoughtful.
6. Smile. Be friendly to strangers especially when out running or at work.
7. Journal daily.
8. Be more comfortable and confident with just being me.
9. Continue learning to cook.
10. Love life.
11. Be brave.
12. Read and write more.
13. Keep up Memphis blog.
14. Say how I really feel.
15. Get back to God and being an integral part of the church.
16. Spend time with babies.
17. Fall in love again ... but don't pretend to. Find something real.
18. Run a marathon.
19. Earn my masters.
20. Spend less time on social media/email. Only check/update once a day.
21. Be able to define what's unique about me.
22. Train Memphis.
23. Find and love living with a roommate. Might be my last opportunity to do that!
24. Respect my body.
25. Go on a trip with Dad to DC/NY and cruise with Gma.
26. (one to grow on) ... Find something new to do that I love.

Here is how I feel right now.

I feel alone. I feel desperate. I feel ashamed. I feel scared. I am afraid of never finding true love. Afraid of never having a family. Afraid of wasting my gifts and my life. And every time I start to let all of these feelings start to restrict my breathing, I say, “I trust you God. I trust you.” But how do I ACTUALLY trust Him? How do I let go of all of my anxieties and just trust the Lord to work. That’s a really difficult thing to do when you’re lonely and hurting. When you know how much love you have to give and you don’t feel like you have someone to give it to. When you know how much you have to offer but you don’t feel like it’s being put out into the world. I will keep pouring out my heart, I will keep praying. I will continue to trust the best I know how. I know that things aren’t going to change if I continue down this same road though. This self-destructive shameful path I’ve created for myself. I have GOT to find some self-control. With men, money, and alcohol. I have got to stop excusing what’s not acceptable for my life. I know better. Now I must do better (thank you, O and Maya). Maybe typing out what I won’t do will help. Creating some rules, if you will, try to humor me.

Men

1. I will not respond to any of the "time-wasters" I've managed to find since being single (including ex's and those found at douchecastles- thank you Shallon for that glorious term).

2. I will not call or fall back on him. He deserves to move on and be happy.

3. I will not disrespect my body.

4. I will not feel unworthy.

5. I will be friendly and smile.

6. I will put my heart out there, but I will not accept arrogance or ignorance from a man.

7. I will exude confidence and happiness because that is the only way anyone I’m actually interested in is ever going to find me interesting.

Money

1. I will not use credit cards.

2. I will stick to my budget.

3. I will not spend recklessly on food/dining out/shopping.

4. I will learn to conserve and live within my means.

Alcohol

1. I will not drink more than a 93.5 lb girl should drink. Translation, I can drink 1 drink to my friends 2-3 and I should embrace this (it will also help save the money I speak of above)

2. I will not drink and drive.

3. I will not drink more than 2 days per week.

I have printed this out and stuck it on a bulletin board in my room. Each week I’m going to evaluate myself.

· Have I stuck to my rules?

· Am I finding myself happier, even if I am alone still?

· Which rule can I work on harder this week?

Same goes with my resolution list.

· Can I cross anything off?

· Which one could I work toward this week and how?

· Is there anything that needs to be updated/modified?

Here's to me and Year 25 ... a year I hope is at least twice as happy as 24 was challenging.