My Best Friend

So I've broken some of my rules, but for the most part my quest for stability and answers is coming along. Not fast, but coming. I've been working a lot these past few days, and despite the numerous forced conversations with customers (I'm a server), I have had a great deal of time to start thinking about which mess to tackle first. I made a list of them (I'm a list girl), in no particular order. But I found that the first one on the list was the one that has been most mind-consuming since I can remember. So here goes.

From my first "best friend", Jenna, in preschool I have always struggled to grasp the concept of friendship and how exactly to be a good friend. I don't remember every detail of my friendship with Jenna, all I know is that I loved going to her house, playing dress up and placing fake McDonald's orders in her basement. We were inseparable. Then Jenna's parents got divorced, she moved out of Missouri and I had lost my first "best friend". Then I started school, I had two "best friends" in grade school - Carly and Diana - and all I can remember of them is sitting on the bench at our elementary school and talking the entire lengthof our recess. Then there was Stacy and Jesse in the 3rd grade, Anne in 4th, a group of clicky girls in 5th, and then my middle school crew of girls (Kristi, Stacy, Casey and myself) who went to Florida with me in 8th grade and spent a week with my grandparents. In highschool I was a drifter, and I can honestly say the longest "best friend" I've had, Casey, stayed my best friend throughout. In all cases, I admit I'm guilty of saying "BFF" - we'll never lose one another. Inevitably we did. With the exception of Casey, I've grown in and out of friends over and over again.

My freshman year of college, again I found myself another group of four. And a random roommate, who at the time was my counterpart. It seemed as though I never knew a "best friend" until meeting her. I can't exactly pin-point why, but she was a very special person to me and weighed heavily in my debate on whether or not to take the leap I had been throwing back and forth to transfer from my small private college to a huge state university. Despite the good company, I wasn't happy with the school I was at and I was hungry for change. At the same time, terrified to lose my then best friend and the comfort of home. I opted for change, with the stipulation that I wouldn't lose touch with my best friend and would come home often to visit the family. And for the first year, I was shocked at how well everything seemed to work out!

I guess here is where I should pause and explain why the "best friends" in my life and the type of friend that I am have been tossed into my "mess" pile. I have never felt worthy of being labeled a "best friend". I've never felt that I could truly be a best friend to someone, not because I didn't want to but because I honestly don't believe I am capable of that high-calling. First of all, I always want everyone to be included, feel loved and accepted by me. And I've always felt like with the notion of the "best friend" someone is always at the mercy of being left out. If you're not my "best friend", I don't mean as much to you as that person. It's difficult to put into words, but basically, I've always felt guilty naming a best friend and being named one. It doesn't really fit with how I view people and how human love should operate. Secondly, I can't keep secrets. This is a truth about myself that I've recently come to and while I can openly admit this, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is right or a good characteristic or wrong and makes me a horrible person. It's just the truth about me. In fact, I often wish I could go back in time and warn my old "best friends" against telling me anything potentially secretive. I've always been someone that people will talk to, but the second someone tells me something followed by "now don't tell anybody this" something inside me suddenly starts burning to tell. I can only offer one explanation for this - and it's that typically secrets are the information I really didn't want to know. It's like here - let me get this off my chest and bear what's troubling you, for you, and not help you find any sort of a solution. It's the information that makes me angry or concerned. And when I have a piece of information like that burning within, well I want to share. I want to get a second opinion. I want to know why it's bothering me so much. I want to help. And I think this is why I've never been able to have a "best friend". It's a difficult realization to come to, but in my thinking and reflecting, I can tell you that it's about time I admitted it. And I guess with me, well I don't tell anyone anything that anyone else can't know. I don't have deep dark secrets. I've always laid my life right out there for everyone to know. My faults, my feelings, my successes and my failures. So when people find out things about me, I'm not looking for the person who told them usually. My life is what it is. With that being said, I realize that not everyone has this mindset and therefore I have lost a great deal of "best friends" to my inability to keep a secret.

Now, here lies another difference between myself and those who have come to disown me as a "best friend": I don't define trust by a person's ability to keep a secret. Let me explain. Trust, to me, is knowing someone will be there regardless of your faults. It's more strongly tied to confidence than it is to secrets or confidentiality. The people I trust, are the people who have proven over and over that they will be there. They tell me when I upset them, they tell me when they think I've done something wrong, and they are always, immovably right there. I trust those people. And the people who trust me, trust me because I am there, physically and emotionally to support them and love them no matter what. I don't want to be trusted because I can keep my mouth shut, I want to be trusted because I love you and because you know that you can always count on me. And by count on me, I mean count on me to be dead honest with you and to share my life, time, and heart with you. I honestly don't trust the people who keep secrets or want me to keep their secrets for them. And for this reason, I have had much difficulty finding or even desiring to have a "best friend".

I think that the people who I now consider (but don't necessarily label) my best friends are those people I described above. I will forever cherish the "best friends" that I've lost touch with or who have come to dislike me for being the person that I've always been. I will always want to be on better terms than I am with these people, but what I've come to realize is that no apology or attempt to right things will actually win back my old "best friends". Because the truth about them is that they've realized the truth about me, and they don't like it. There is not a thing in the world I can do about that, besides apologize for trying to live up to their standards of a best friend (standards which differ from the type of best friends I want and want to be).

So, have I found an answer to the troubled heart I've had over lost best friends? Yes. I do have friends now who I trust and love to be with. I think my honesty with them, my forewarning to them, has brought me to be a better friend and also to seek out people who actually have the desire to be a friend to me. I don't think everyone really wants to invest the time it takes to be a true friend, and as I work on being there for my friends, I've found that I now have friends who reciprocate this rather than accept it and hoard it.

Further, my true best friend is me. As I was reading Eat.Pray.Love. today, I remembered that all old and new "besties" aside, I have always had and will always have me. "Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, your recognized yourself as a friend." I have not been the best friend to my "best friends" my entire life. But I have been there, for a number of friends, in a number of places, throughout. In all instances, even if my sole purpose was to be there and support someone through a bad break-up, a death, or just a bad day, I'm thankful for the experience and the opportunity to share my love with all of my former (and current) "best friends".

So rather than continue to worry and feel guilty about old friends who no longer worry about me, I'm sorting this "mess" out by reminding myself that I am very capable of being a best friend. To myself. And as my own best friend, I'm saying that I'm okay, that I am not all that bad of a friend, and that I'm capable of being a good friend to those who have stuck with me (thank you Casey, Stacey, Jas, mom and Susie) and those who currently provide me with daily joy and much needed good company (my SB's). As my own best friend, I am telling myself to accept the past, and to stop worrying about the type of friend my friends-no-longer think I am or am not.

Lonely...Well Almost Lonely

The past 24 hours (not even) have been difficult. I forgot what it's like to be alone, to feel like no one needs me and to have no reason to call anyone. I was brought back to that inner voice telling me, you can do this. Don't call, don't cry. You can do this. It's been a long time since I had to force myself to do something. It's not that I don't want to do this, because I do. It's just, unsurprisingly, very trying.

I have been following the rules I've set for myself, and last night after work I came straight home to tackle one of the first things on my list of messes - no sleep! I read more of Eat.Pray.Love, prayed and then snuggled into bed at about 11:30, not getting out of bed again until 8:00 this morning. Two things happened in my first night of good rest in a long time. First, at about 12:30 I woke up suddenly feeling like someone was right over me at my bedside. Typically I would be scared out of mind, and I was scared for a 1/2 second. My room was pitch black, and I just closed my eyes and slowly opened them again. I couldn't see anything, and instead of jumping out of bed to flip on the light, I closed my eyes again and just laid there. I'm pretty sure that God was there in my room last night. Not in a creepy, ghost, spirit type of way. But just there, letting me know He was right there as I had asked him to be in my prayer shortly before I closed my eyes. I specifically prayed for what Elizabeth Gilbert prays for in her book - I told God I want a lasting relationship with Him, that I want to have a conversation with him every day, that I want to have PLEASURE and DEVOTION, and that I want him to be with me in these days of solitude that I've demanded for myself. And so there He was. I can honestly say that was the best night of sleep I've had in a very, very long time.

The second thing that happened was that my phone rang about 1:45 in the morning, and while one of the rules I have set for myself is to stay off the phone, there are exceptions to every rule. And one promise I've made to a good friend of mine is that I will be there just to be there and to listen. And I did. And my heart literally hurts for her. When you've hurt like that, at least what I can relate to and my experience of hurting and crying and longing, there's no solution other than to hurt. And as a friend, all you can really do is listen. But it makes you feel helpless, and it makes you hurt too. After getting off the phone with her, I prayed one more time, for her this time, and went back to sleep.

And today I am working on my second mess: school. I said I was going to tackle the small things first. So top on the list were sleep, school and exercise. So I will be reading the rest of the day until work. I'm starting to think this could be a really long process. But I'm already feeling like I'm on the road to the confidence and some answers. No, they were not handed to me in a day. But I think I can do this.

Solitude

I just began reading Eat.Pray.Love. last night while I was in Hermann at Ben's dad's house. After spending a relaxing day with my best friend and Ben's family, I was feeling quite perturbed about a number of things despite the calm nature of the day and some much needed girl talk. Within the first few pages of the book, I realized exactly what I needed - a moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. And by a moment I don't mean a few seconds or a few minutes or even a few hours. I need some time. Some time to detox, regroup, forgive, and enjoy. I need a day without the internet, without my phone, without questions, without worry. Without a family who cares, friends who care, a boyfriend who cares, strangers who care, enemies who care. Or maybe 5 days, or maybe more. I stumbled across a question yesterday, "do you ever play hookie from life?" I answered "occassionally". But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "No. No I don't. No I have never done that." I haven't. Okay maybe Vegas was an exception. But that is the only time I think I can say I skipped out on the everyday worries and happenings of my life. I'm tired. And confused, and angry. I make it through right now because I have loving girls around me who make it all disappear momentarily. But then I come home, or answer the phone, or look at words and bills screaming in my face and I get so caught up and smothered by everything. There are a number of reasons for the anxiety and confusion I feel right now, but before I start writing about all of those reasons (if I ever choose to do so), I am going to play hookie. I am going to spend some serious time with myself. I was advised to do this by my boss and I've yet to actually listen to his advice. But I think I need to first, stop the flow of opinion from everyone around me all together. Then, slowly begin to sort out the mess of things going on in my life, starting with the small messes and working my way up. And then, when I'm ready, to determine what I want to do and change in my life in order to gain back the control I once had. All I keep thinking is how to go about this without pissing everyone off. But at this point, I know I need to do it for me. There just never seems like an appropriate time. But the longer I wait, the more messy everything is becoming. So it's time. I am going to force myself to be with myself, and to be ok with it. And I figure, if I have to be alone, I can at least start the blog I've been wanting to start and write about my thoughts as I take this break. I am banning myself from all other forms of communication, in hopes of reopening the communication between my own mind and thoughts and also God and I.

If you pray, please pray that I find some answers. And if not, please grant me this time I need for myself. Love.