Showing posts with label Plans for May 2009-May 2010. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Plans for May 2009-May 2010. Show all posts

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Midwestern Innocence Project

I get a lot of questions about what I've been working on and what I'm doing after graduation. The following is a reflection piece I wrote about my work on the Project this semester. I could talk about wrongful convictions for hours on end, especially the case I'm working on, so if you're ever wondering feel free to ask. Anyway this explains what I've been doing, why and where I'm headed :)

Midwestern Innocence Project Experience

One of my most valuable experiences at the Missouri School of Journalism has been in my work with Professor Steve Weinberg and the Midwestern Innocence Project. I have learned, and continue to learn, about the many problems with our criminal justice system. More importantly, I’ve learned how to confront those problems as a journalist and investigator in an immediate, purposeful way. The Midwestern Innocence Project, in combination with the knowledge I gained in Professor Weinberg’s Intermediate Writing course, has provided me with the power and means to work with a UMKC law student on an actual innocence claim. I started work on this case in January 2009, and have spent much of my final semester of college traveling to southern Missouri to conduct numerous interviews as well as reading and organizing nearly fifteen boxes of paperwork on the case. Although I have enjoyed many story assignments I’ve been given in the journalism school, this experience has allowed me to use and strengthen my skills as a reporter and writer, and created a path for my future that I am equally passionate about and confident in pursuing.

In sum, the Midwestern Innocence Project, specifically the case that I have worked so diligently on with my partner, has taught me to be a more daring journalist. It has taught me to care more, ask both simple and complex questions and to be outraged by my findings when necessary. The case I’m working on involves a man who was co-convicted of murdering a 15-year-old girl. There is no physical evidence or DNA connecting our client to the murder. The entire case was built according to a single witness testimony that was later inflated by several people who received deals in return for statements. Our client has been in prison since 1997 for a murder I am 90 percent sure he did not commit, and my certainty increases daily.

I learned to care when I discovered the sheer magnitude of wrongful conviction cases. This was primarily in Professor Weinberg’s class, where I began and continue to pursue a profile of one of the attorneys on the board of directors at the Midwestern Innocence Project. I quickly learned how busy she was, and I committed at the point to volunteer in some way with the project in hopes of lightening the work load and to connect with the person I wanted to profile. My mind wouldn’t rest with the new knowledge that innocent people were trapped in prisons all over the country. At first, I didn’t know how much time I would be able to devote. Now I give as much of my free time as possible to the case. I find myself constantly talking about wrongful convictions, and I’m encouraged because so often the people I talk react in shock, as I did, prior to being introduced to the world of wrongful convictions.

I learned to ask a variety of questions in the interviews I’ve conducted on this case. So many professors preach that you have to ask the easy questions in order to ask the more difficult ones. I’ve learned that you have to ask both kinds of questions not because one yields the other, but because they both generate extremely valuable information. I think the best example of this in an interview I recently conducted with one of the prosecuting attorneys in our client’s case. In the very beginning of the interview I noticed a large black briefcase sitting next to my chair. Of course I began the interview by explaining who I was and a little bit about the Innocence Project, but some of my first questions were about his confidence in the use of a “Voice Stress Analyzer Test” he used in the mid-90s. He responded that he thought it was credible and that it was proven in most cases to be consistent with polygraph tests (which are also completely fallible). As he was answering I looked down at the briefcase and asked what I thought was a filler question: “Would this happen to be one of the voice-stress test machines?” It was. At that point, I didn’t necessarily find this valuable information. However, I continued to press him about the device, got to see it first hand and discovered that somehow he is still using this faulty equipment. This is when I learned that it is OK to be outraged.

When I say I learned to be outraged, I don’t mean I learned to scream or lash out at people. I’m a relatively controlled person. What I mean is that the feeling of utter frustration I experienced in the above interview has led me to speak out about the ignorance and arrogance of many people in the criminal justice system. I learned to push through the fear of the uniform and the business suit and question people until they provide a legitimate answer to the question I’m asking. In this case, my partner and I discovered the two questions people wouldn’t answer right away: What makes you believe he is guilty when the physical evidence does not match and how do you explain the lack of DNA evidence? The most common response from jurors, attorneys and law enforcement alike: “He just looked guilty.” Outrageous. And the very reason I am continuing work on this case following my graduation in May. I know now that I want to pursue a career in the criminal justice system. I’m still in the process of deciding if I want to do this as a journalist, a lawyer or in some other way. However I choose to go about it, my experience with the Midwestern Innocence Project has put me in the field and given me a memorable, real-world encounter with the injustices in our justice system.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Point (II).


"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."

- Bo Jackson

My dad sends me these wonderful, short devotional readings every day. I try to read them in the mornings, because they set my mind right and my heart at ease. Yesterday's read:

Jesus whispers “I am with you”
In the hour of deepest need;When the way is dark and lonesome,
“I am with you, I will lead.”
Morris

First make sure you are with Him, then you can be sure He’ll be with you.


There's a reason this was meaningful to me - mainly because I'm feeling lonely these days. But it's the weirdest kind of loneliness because I really don't want it to change. I enjoy my peace and quiet, I enjoy and despise being this lonely. It's hard to explain. But for example, tonight at work I was talking with the girls and every one of them was complaining about not wanting to have sex with their significant others. And I didn't really say much in the conversation, mainly because I don't have this problem as of present. But rather than feeling left out or extremely happy I wasn't sharing their misery - I was just kind of... blank. I started thinking about things bigger than my friendships and my lack of a steady relationship and about all of the things I have been called to do recently. As I stood there and the conversation continued I slowly walked away from it, not because I didn't care but just because I feel so wholly divorced from all of my closest friends. A part of me wishes I had a man to fill the void in my life, but much more of me realizes no man is going to be able to do that until I let God fill the void he's created for me. He's got a huge to-do list for me, and it's only manageable if I go at it solo (with Him as my guide of course).

Before I forget them (these to-do's), I figure I should write down what I will be doing beginning May 16. I've already started preparing and saving, none of these are overly ambitious or shortcoming of any ability I might have. I only ask for your encouragement, belief and support. Thank you :)

  1. 1. Trip to IL to see my cousin, meet her baby girls and get out of Columbia in celebration of graduation!





2. Trip to KY to spend time with my Aunt Susan who I miss and who reminds me daily to value my almost-complete independence (I rely on God, he requires my complete dependence on Him more often that I'd like to hand it over ... ahem all the time)



3.Go an a cruise with my girlfriends.


4. 4th of July at the Lake (It's been far too many summers since I've been to the Lake!)


5. Plan a fabulous shower/bachelorette party for my best friend :) and be in my first wedding, ever! in October as the maid-of-honor
6. Mission Trip to Africa (3-6 weeks). Find someone to go on this mission trip with me.






7. Take the LSAT, apply to law school October-December
<<

8. Trip to Florida to spend time with my beautifully-aging
grandparents :)









9. Get the innocence case I'm currently working on to the point that I can hand it over to the lawyers on the Project and hopefully free my client in the next few years
10. Pay off all credit cards, work my little butt off before making any of the trips and eliminate extra costs to save (by far the most challenging on this list)
11. Travel to STL at least twice a month to spend time with my parents
12. Spend at least 1 day a week with my little sister so she knows she can come to me even though she's all grown up and in college now


13. Complete a marathon. Just one, I've never done one and I think it's something I will enjoy
14. Become an official member of my church here, volunteer weekly in the nursery so I can have my baby-fix and share The Crossing with more people I know will love it as much as I do


15. Write a biography for the Iraqi interpreter that protected and worked alongside my dad while he was in Iraq- something which he has been so patiently asking and waiting for me to do since the day I met him







16. Camping Trip with Dad.













Yes, God. I know now. All of these things are precisely why I am not planning a wedding or jumping straight into a job. For I know the plans you have for me, and they are great. Today's devotional from my dad read:

"Keep listening for the “still small voice”
If you are weary on life’s road;
The Lord will make your heart rejoice
If you will let Him take your load."
Hess

To tune in to God’s voice we must tune out this world’s noise.

--> Um, OK Mr. Jackson. I think I've got my goals set high enough, and I dont' really plan on stopping.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Point (I).

I'm being forced to write. Every now and then, regardless of what I should be doing, I feel the need to just pour my heart out. That I-can't-do-anything-until-this-is-off-my-mind feeling. So I thought I should do that in order to reach graduation :)

I'm a list person, as you can see from my blog, and it's the best way for me to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty sure no one really keeps up with my blog anyway because I'm not faithful to it. I rarely write, and there really hasn't ever been a point to my blog. I might work on that this summer. But either way... I've reached a point. Not sure if it's a breaking point or a growing point or a turning point or a point of any real significance. All I know is tomorrow morning when I wake up things will be different. Maybe no one will notice the changes I'm making but I will, and that is all that matters. Eventually others will see and understand the changes. I've been weighing several things in my mind for weeks, months now. It's time to actively seek change in my life, rather than thinking that things should be different.

Yes I'm graduating. I meant, YES! I'm graduating. This is essentially like a New Year's Day for me. I get one year. I have high expectations for the year, I've been planning this year for a long time. I am convinced I will grow more in the next year than in my entire four years of college, and I am more excited than I probably should be. I'm not saying the growing will be easy. In fact I'm pretty sure the next year will be harder than my high school and college years combined. But I'm ready for the challenge.

So here's what's been on my mind. I'm not addressing or attacking anyone. I'm writing from my heart. I'm pouring out the pain and frustration I've built up. I'm sharing the dreams I've been harboring. I'm letting go of a lot of fear. Because if I don't do any or all of these things, I won't be able to accept any blessings poured on me in the next year, and I won't be able to grow. I want to learn, I want to change and I want to be shaped by my experiences in the next year. May 16 marks a new day. So I'm preparing by clearing out the mess in my heart and my head. This will probably be a series of posts before graduation day, I plan to write more in hopes of creating a reasonable, workable plan for My Year.

Point I: The Pain (the men)

Daddy I love you but when you went to war you scared me. For a year I was terrified, but I had to be strong. I was brought up to love my country, to adore the men who who serve us. But the truth is I've grown more and more to resent our government. To resent the war. To resent the fighting. I was never angry with you. I love you, I am your little girl and will remain your sugar pops forever. I support our troops, I still love my country. But I will never forget that I almost lost you to bombs and gunfire. I will never forget the rainy valentine's day you left me, my body sprawled across the bench seat of your '88 pickup truck crying so hard that I don't know how to cry anymore. People ask me why I never cry, why movies don't make me cry or how I keep my composure in moments that everyone else seems to be falling apart. I don't know how to explain that the pain I felt that day was the worst kind of pain anyone could ever feel. People ask me why I despise Valentine's Day and I can't explain that it marks the worst day in my childhood. And when you came home, well you're not the same anymore. I miss my dad. I still love going home, sitting with you on the deck you built listening to the rain and talking. But I miss my pre-war dad. I miss watching the fireworks with you. I worry about you every single day. I know you're still hurting and I don't know how to help you heal.

1(5)- You left me the day after He left. I don't know why I could never forgive you for that, but I do now. You didn't know how to deal with me or the magnitude of what I faced. You told me I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was scared and wouldn't admit it. I'm sorry for hurting you so much in the end. I never stopped being angry. I begged you to stay with me because you were the only person I had that made me OK with the reality that He was in Iraq. But I survived. I grew. Thank you, for making me realize I could face the fear on my own. I know now, surviving those 13 months, that I didn't need you. And thank you, for being there the day he did leave, for driving His truck home. For telling me I needed to pull myself together, my family needed me. Without you I was able to give all of my attention to them, and they needed me most.

2(7) You were the one I thought I would never get over. You broke me down, left me for Her, and came back crying. You built me up, let me down. Over and over, you still do this. You're like the ocean - always rushing ashore to my rescue at predictable times but receding back slowly so that all of the sudden when I really need you, you're as unreachable as the horizon. You might love me, but you left open wounds and your salt continues to burn. You've been a part of my life for more than 5 years now. I don't know how I feel about that. I just know I can't keep relying on you to make all of the other Not-It-Men not matter. They do matter, you matter. The truth is none of you are the one God has for me and if I don't let go of all of you, that man is never going to be revealed to me.

3(?) - You were my first mistake. The beginning of me giving myself permission to mess up. You were the first man to make me feel like I was just an empty piece of woman. I never forgot that feeling. In fact, now I recognize it instantly. Thanks, I guess. I can't say I've learned to say No to men like you. But I'm trying.

4 (11) - I thought you were it. You were the second man to make me resent the military and the government for ruining such an important man in my life. You love me. I know this. And that's why walking away was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it possible was knowing even you wanted better for me. You made me feel like an absolute idiot. Your lies destroyed my trust in everyone, not just you. I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you. I will love you, regardless. But trying to move on is almost as impossible as it was to stay with you after I found out, and to leave you after I realized what I needed to do. I know I can, soon I hope. But I miss your love, I miss the way I felt when I was with you. No one can make me feel like the princess I was to you, and I long to feel that kind of love again every night. I am absolutely lonely, and it hurts. It's soul-strengthening and destructive all at once.

5 (B4) You flattered me. You were my second mistake. Thank you for restoring my confidence, and then breaking it down again. With you I assumed too quickly I was back on two feet again. I wasn't. In fact I fell down so hard I blacked out. But I'm awake now, I'm getting back on my feet, and I can laugh again from deep down. I can talk to you and see you for who you are. You're not someone I would ever be capable of loving. I am jealous of your life-experience and your knowledge of who you are and where you're from. You moved me to want to know more about myself.
6 (L4) You also flattered me. But you... you preach respect but you're one of the most disrespectful men I know. You don't know true happiness, and I'm not really convinced you know how to love someone without expecting something in return. You use that word carelessly, and far too often. I was weak with you and I deserve(d) the treatment I receive(d) from you in return. But when you do learn to love in an unconditional way, I hope the pain you put upon others who love(d) you in any capacity will enter your heart and you can begin to have real relationships with women (and anyone else for that matter). And I hope your self-confidence is rebuilt in something other than what it stems from now- I know you will be wonderful to someone when this happens. You weren't a mistake. You were a test for me - what's really important to you Jess? Is it having just anyone or is it having someone who truly loves and respects you? You were just anyone to me. You made me feel extraordinary temporarily- anyone can do that.

7 (1) I don't know about you. I don't know if you really belong in this section, and maybe you will move to some other part someday. But here you are. You are wonderful and that's all I can really say right now. I don't think I'm ready for you just yet. Thank you for your patience and for hurting me by insisting I wasn't ready. Thank you for looking out for me, always.

In a recent prayer group, a woman prayed for all of the lonely, broken hearts in the room. The trouble is that I refuse to admit that I have a broken heart and that I'm lonely and most importantly, that I need prayers and I desperately want someone to come along. It has been 5 years since I've had someone to spend my every waking moment with, who I wanted to do this with. Since I've been comfortable in my "couple" status. Each of my three best friends (yes all of them - from 8th grade, high school AND college) are engaged as of the last month. I know that there is a plan, that I couldn't possibly carry out my plans for the next year with a significant other. I know I don't NEED a man. I pray every night for God to fill this emptiness. For Him to please strengthen my will-power, to help me say NO to all of these Not-It men. So part one of my plan - all of the above mentioned are becoming a piece of my past. Starting May 16, I am clearing the way for a new, right man. This means ending the endless rotation of text messages and phone calls to any given one of them at any given moment of loneliness. And honestly, there is no need to wait until May 16. Tomorrow morning, Not-It men are all off my chart.

--> Time to respect myself. To make me a challenge - because any "it" man will work hard to earn my trust and my attention. I might not know much about him other than this, but that is promise enough.