So here goes. I can't promise some of these won't be obvious or painful to swallow. I can promise that what I'm about to say comes straight from the heart. It's not in response to a bad breakup or a bad date. I'm not hopelessly in love or excited about anyone at this very moment. I was just talking with a friend and realized that I've learned so much about what I DON'T want. And despite still being absolutely uncertain about who or what I DO want, I feel lucky to know what I know now.
1. First and foremost, I've learned to always turn my phone off after 11 p.m. Why? Anyone calling/texting after that time probably isn't just calling to chat. Once I started this little habit I found that what I missed in the late evening/early morning hours was exactly what I should be missing. Be it an ex or a boy I met earlier in the night at a bar or even someone I was potentially interested in, calls after 11 were never to get to know me better. If they want to get to know me better or if they need to talk about something important, the absolute worst time to do so is between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.. I've never had a worthwhile, rewarding or satisfying exchange with a male during this time over the phone unless it was someone I was serious with. And even then, I need my sleep. Also, it's an excellent practice to strengthen your self-control and to show a man you aren't a go-to girl. If that's what he's looking for, he can go elsewhere for the girls who don't mind running over to his house at 2 a.m. just for sex. Honestly, the guys whose numbers show up on my missed calls when I wake up in the morning and start my day (and usually these numbers are rare to show up during normal daylight hours) are the guys I would rather not spend my days with anyway. I've never been a fan of desperation. For me, late night calls/texts are one thing I've never felt guilty ignoring.
2. Listen to your heart... and by heart I mean stomach. When you get a bad feeling about something, it's probably valid. I've never had a bad feeling about someone for no reason. One thing that makes me angry instantly is when men honestly believe they can lie to me or slip one by. I'm talking no intention of even trying to hide their idiocy. I'll give a perfect example. In one experience, I was told by a two and four-year-old about a huge secret being kept by my then 25-year-old boyfriend. I knew three months prior to the kiddos intervention that something was being kept from me. Did I listen to myself? No. It took the honesty of two little boys to make me believe what I'd known all along about a grown man. Pathetic? Maybe. Telling? Very much so. Case in point: Men will lie, but they suck at it. Therefore there is no reason for women to lie to themselves about this truth. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't let little boys reveal to you the truth about a man, it's much easier to hear it from your own head than precious, unknowing children. Trust me.
3. Don't be ashamed to have list of qualifications. If they don't match what you're looking for, better to know sooner than later. For myself, I want someone with a kind heart, a plan and a passion for life. I want him to indulge in my own energy with me and to move me with his own. I want a man who is confident and respectful. A man who kisses and tells is probably one of the most irritating kind to me. If he wants to share his adoration for me, that's one thing. If he wants to talk about me in a way that he wouldn't talk to my parents or my closest friends he is surely not a keeper. Not to mention he hasn't matured much since the sixth grade.
4. Every day really is a chance to start over. Something that's really helped me cope with awkward encounters and huge mistakes is this: We can't shrink the world down to us, because it's not really about us. Everyone is on a similar journey. People hook up, mess up and dive head first into relationships/situations they never should have. But every moment doesn't have to be dwelling on the past. If you want to start over right this second, go right ahead. We are each exactly where we need to be. Every awful, inappropriate or hilarious thing said to us by guys is one more addition to our knowledge of what we are or aren't seeking. Be grateful for your experiences, and when you know it's time to start a new chapter in your life do it. There are going to be times when you feel like your chapters are only a page long and you're writing a new one each day. That's OK. I've always believed the longer chapters are for later in life anyway, and that the most entertaining and challenging were those that only took up just one page.
5. Never, ever shrink down because of something someone else says to you, male or female, about who you are or what decisions you're making. Nelson Mandela says it perfectly:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
6. When a guy choses some other broad over you, be thankful. I say this sincerely. If he chose her, he didn't appreciate your magnificence. He didn't respect you. He didn't look deep enough into your heart to see what you were willing to offer. And nine times out of ten, he's the sucker that will look back months later and say in one way or another, "Wow, I messed up letting that one get away." Trust me, I've had it happen repeatedly. And each time, after going through the pain of wondering "Why her?" I would smile to myself down the road and think, "I'm so glad I didn't waste my time with that one." Be the girl that walks away with your head held high. No matter the rumors or awful things he might say about you, when you know you're one of a few, surrender. You deserve to be the only one, no matter what his excuses are for keeping his options open. Don't try to get even or get back. In moments when I'm feeling especially angry or hurt, I always remind myself that "The best revenge is a fabulous existence."
7. Patience. It's the most difficult idea, and it's one of the hardest character traits to master. But when it comes to happiness, patience is its counterpart. Patience is essential to happiness. Period.
8. Don't let a man pull you out of your comfort level. Even nine months into a relationship, if he's making you uncomfortable, say it. Be intimate, be adventurous. But above all, be yourself.
9. Foresee a future. Don't excuse a trait or a habit of someone today that you know won't fly down the road. Never count on changing a person. Be open-minded, but don't settle. This is probably the most difficult thing I've learned. I always want to believe I could embrace certain things about guys. The truth is, I don't want to embrace his disgusting, self-destructive, unproductive, pointless or bad habits. I'd rather he want me enough to want better for himself.
10. Know when he sucks. It's really not hard to establish, early on, when a guy isn't for you. The sooner you know, the sooner you can refocus your life on a right path for you. It's funny how long it takes girls sometimes to see flaws. Sure, he might sweep you off your feet and fill the loneliness that's been eating away at your for the past year or so or however long you've been single. But don't try to tuck away all of the horrible, ridiculous habits and characteristics of his that make you cringe when you try to place him somewhere in your future. Don't forget who he was before you saw this dreamy new person all of the sudden; and if you didn't know him before, try to remove the "lala" factor and picture how he would treat you when he wasn't trying. I always think that's the best test of a man. What is he like when you're "not looking." Who is he when you aren't around. Figure that out, and if he's not someone you really find charming in everyday life, find someone that is.
