Point (I).

I'm being forced to write. Every now and then, regardless of what I should be doing, I feel the need to just pour my heart out. That I-can't-do-anything-until-this-is-off-my-mind feeling. So I thought I should do that in order to reach graduation :)

I'm a list person, as you can see from my blog, and it's the best way for me to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty sure no one really keeps up with my blog anyway because I'm not faithful to it. I rarely write, and there really hasn't ever been a point to my blog. I might work on that this summer. But either way... I've reached a point. Not sure if it's a breaking point or a growing point or a turning point or a point of any real significance. All I know is tomorrow morning when I wake up things will be different. Maybe no one will notice the changes I'm making but I will, and that is all that matters. Eventually others will see and understand the changes. I've been weighing several things in my mind for weeks, months now. It's time to actively seek change in my life, rather than thinking that things should be different.

Yes I'm graduating. I meant, YES! I'm graduating. This is essentially like a New Year's Day for me. I get one year. I have high expectations for the year, I've been planning this year for a long time. I am convinced I will grow more in the next year than in my entire four years of college, and I am more excited than I probably should be. I'm not saying the growing will be easy. In fact I'm pretty sure the next year will be harder than my high school and college years combined. But I'm ready for the challenge.

So here's what's been on my mind. I'm not addressing or attacking anyone. I'm writing from my heart. I'm pouring out the pain and frustration I've built up. I'm sharing the dreams I've been harboring. I'm letting go of a lot of fear. Because if I don't do any or all of these things, I won't be able to accept any blessings poured on me in the next year, and I won't be able to grow. I want to learn, I want to change and I want to be shaped by my experiences in the next year. May 16 marks a new day. So I'm preparing by clearing out the mess in my heart and my head. This will probably be a series of posts before graduation day, I plan to write more in hopes of creating a reasonable, workable plan for My Year.

Point I: The Pain (the men)

Daddy I love you but when you went to war you scared me. For a year I was terrified, but I had to be strong. I was brought up to love my country, to adore the men who who serve us. But the truth is I've grown more and more to resent our government. To resent the war. To resent the fighting. I was never angry with you. I love you, I am your little girl and will remain your sugar pops forever. I support our troops, I still love my country. But I will never forget that I almost lost you to bombs and gunfire. I will never forget the rainy valentine's day you left me, my body sprawled across the bench seat of your '88 pickup truck crying so hard that I don't know how to cry anymore. People ask me why I never cry, why movies don't make me cry or how I keep my composure in moments that everyone else seems to be falling apart. I don't know how to explain that the pain I felt that day was the worst kind of pain anyone could ever feel. People ask me why I despise Valentine's Day and I can't explain that it marks the worst day in my childhood. And when you came home, well you're not the same anymore. I miss my dad. I still love going home, sitting with you on the deck you built listening to the rain and talking. But I miss my pre-war dad. I miss watching the fireworks with you. I worry about you every single day. I know you're still hurting and I don't know how to help you heal.

1(5)- You left me the day after He left. I don't know why I could never forgive you for that, but I do now. You didn't know how to deal with me or the magnitude of what I faced. You told me I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was scared and wouldn't admit it. I'm sorry for hurting you so much in the end. I never stopped being angry. I begged you to stay with me because you were the only person I had that made me OK with the reality that He was in Iraq. But I survived. I grew. Thank you, for making me realize I could face the fear on my own. I know now, surviving those 13 months, that I didn't need you. And thank you, for being there the day he did leave, for driving His truck home. For telling me I needed to pull myself together, my family needed me. Without you I was able to give all of my attention to them, and they needed me most.

2(7) You were the one I thought I would never get over. You broke me down, left me for Her, and came back crying. You built me up, let me down. Over and over, you still do this. You're like the ocean - always rushing ashore to my rescue at predictable times but receding back slowly so that all of the sudden when I really need you, you're as unreachable as the horizon. You might love me, but you left open wounds and your salt continues to burn. You've been a part of my life for more than 5 years now. I don't know how I feel about that. I just know I can't keep relying on you to make all of the other Not-It-Men not matter. They do matter, you matter. The truth is none of you are the one God has for me and if I don't let go of all of you, that man is never going to be revealed to me.

3(?) - You were my first mistake. The beginning of me giving myself permission to mess up. You were the first man to make me feel like I was just an empty piece of woman. I never forgot that feeling. In fact, now I recognize it instantly. Thanks, I guess. I can't say I've learned to say No to men like you. But I'm trying.

4 (11) - I thought you were it. You were the second man to make me resent the military and the government for ruining such an important man in my life. You love me. I know this. And that's why walking away was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it possible was knowing even you wanted better for me. You made me feel like an absolute idiot. Your lies destroyed my trust in everyone, not just you. I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you. I will love you, regardless. But trying to move on is almost as impossible as it was to stay with you after I found out, and to leave you after I realized what I needed to do. I know I can, soon I hope. But I miss your love, I miss the way I felt when I was with you. No one can make me feel like the princess I was to you, and I long to feel that kind of love again every night. I am absolutely lonely, and it hurts. It's soul-strengthening and destructive all at once.

5 (B4) You flattered me. You were my second mistake. Thank you for restoring my confidence, and then breaking it down again. With you I assumed too quickly I was back on two feet again. I wasn't. In fact I fell down so hard I blacked out. But I'm awake now, I'm getting back on my feet, and I can laugh again from deep down. I can talk to you and see you for who you are. You're not someone I would ever be capable of loving. I am jealous of your life-experience and your knowledge of who you are and where you're from. You moved me to want to know more about myself.

6 (L4) You also flattered me. But you... you preach respect but you're one of the most disrespectful men I know. You don't know true happiness, and I'm not really convinced you know how to love someone without expecting something in return. You use that word carelessly, and far too often. I was weak with you and I deserve(d) the treatment I receive(d) from you in return. But when you do learn to love in an unconditional way, I hope the pain you put upon others who love(d) you in any capacity will enter your heart and you can begin to have real relationships with women (and anyone else for that matter). And I hope your self-confidence is rebuilt in something other than what it stems from now- I know you will be wonderful to someone when this happens. You weren't a mistake. You were a test for me - what's really important to you Jess? Is it having just anyone or is it having someone who truly loves and respects you? You were just anyone to me. You made me feel extraordinary temporarily- anyone can do that.

7 (1) I don't know about you. I don't know if you really belong in this section, and maybe you will move to some other part someday. But here you are. You are wonderful and that's all I can really say right now. I don't think I'm ready for you just yet. Thank you for your patience and for hurting me by insisting I wasn't ready. Thank you for looking out for me, always.

In a recent prayer group, a woman prayed for all of the lonely, broken hearts in the room. The trouble is that I refuse to admit that I have a broken heart and that I'm lonely and most importantly, that I need prayers and I desperately want someone to come along. It has been 5 years since I've had someone to spend my every waking moment with, who I wanted to do this with. Since I've been comfortable in my "couple" status. Each of my three best friends (yes all of them - from 8th grade, high school AND college) are engaged as of the last month. I know that there is a plan, that I couldn't possibly carry out my plans for the next year with a significant other. I know I don't NEED a man. I pray every night for God to fill this emptiness. For Him to please strengthen my will-power, to help me say NO to all of these Not-It men. So part one of my plan - all of the above mentioned are becoming a piece of my past. Starting May 16, I am clearing the way for a new, right man. This means ending the endless rotation of text messages and phone calls to any given one of them at any given moment of loneliness. And honestly, there is no need to wait until May 16. Tomorrow morning, Not-It men are all off my chart.

--> Time to respect myself. To make me a challenge - because any "it" man will work hard to earn my trust and my attention. I might not know much about him other than this, but that is promise enough.