Solitude

I just began reading Eat.Pray.Love. last night while I was in Hermann at Ben's dad's house. After spending a relaxing day with my best friend and Ben's family, I was feeling quite perturbed about a number of things despite the calm nature of the day and some much needed girl talk. Within the first few pages of the book, I realized exactly what I needed - a moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. And by a moment I don't mean a few seconds or a few minutes or even a few hours. I need some time. Some time to detox, regroup, forgive, and enjoy. I need a day without the internet, without my phone, without questions, without worry. Without a family who cares, friends who care, a boyfriend who cares, strangers who care, enemies who care. Or maybe 5 days, or maybe more. I stumbled across a question yesterday, "do you ever play hookie from life?" I answered "occassionally". But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "No. No I don't. No I have never done that." I haven't. Okay maybe Vegas was an exception. But that is the only time I think I can say I skipped out on the everyday worries and happenings of my life. I'm tired. And confused, and angry. I make it through right now because I have loving girls around me who make it all disappear momentarily. But then I come home, or answer the phone, or look at words and bills screaming in my face and I get so caught up and smothered by everything. There are a number of reasons for the anxiety and confusion I feel right now, but before I start writing about all of those reasons (if I ever choose to do so), I am going to play hookie. I am going to spend some serious time with myself. I was advised to do this by my boss and I've yet to actually listen to his advice. But I think I need to first, stop the flow of opinion from everyone around me all together. Then, slowly begin to sort out the mess of things going on in my life, starting with the small messes and working my way up. And then, when I'm ready, to determine what I want to do and change in my life in order to gain back the control I once had. All I keep thinking is how to go about this without pissing everyone off. But at this point, I know I need to do it for me. There just never seems like an appropriate time. But the longer I wait, the more messy everything is becoming. So it's time. I am going to force myself to be with myself, and to be ok with it. And I figure, if I have to be alone, I can at least start the blog I've been wanting to start and write about my thoughts as I take this break. I am banning myself from all other forms of communication, in hopes of reopening the communication between my own mind and thoughts and also God and I.

If you pray, please pray that I find some answers. And if not, please grant me this time I need for myself. Love.