Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Break Even

I always know when I've hit a breaking point, because the only way I break is through writing. And tonight, I had to sit down what I was working on for school and come here. My little beach ball blog that I turn to when I need to get it all out. It is my safe place. And I know people can read it, which is kind of the beauty of it. If they want to read it, they can. But I'm not shoving it down anyones throat or putting this out there as a plea for help. I don't really know where to start, but I feel like my life has spiraled out of control. I'm not sure where I lost it or why, but I think the first step in getting it back together is admitting to myself I need to.

I woke up today. Literally. I woke up and decided this is my life and I am letting it slip away. To drinking. To lust. To money. To meaninglessness. To sadness. To technology. To ignorant people. To what other people want.

When I make decisions, this blog helps me commit to them. I know it sounds crazy but self control has never been my strong point. So when I write them on here I feel obligated to try to uphold them. Here is what I've pinned to my vision board (a little bulletin board in my bedroom) for the rest of 2011 (I'm trying to be realistic here and make this doable).

1. STOP the madness with anyone who doesn't have a vagina (e.g., men). I try to say I'm not worried about finding someone, but I am. Obsessed actually. And I've let this little (understatement) obsession turn me into someone who has no self-respect, confidence, or brain to be quite honest. And I know deep down I am not ready for someone. I became single, and I can't get in the car and go to work without wondering if there are cute boys in cars around me. Am I actually going to meet someone in a car on the 5 minute drive to work every day? No way. I am self-admittedly a boy-crazy woman. And need to get a grip. Not because I don't want someone. But because I want someone worth waiting for, and I am forcing myself to wait. This other method (something I would describe along the lines of being a s.l.u.t.) is not me. And I refuse to let me become that. I am not for sale. And I am d.o.n.e. looking as of 6 am today (when I woke up). I don't want a man in my life again until I am me again. And me has not made her way to the surface yet. In fact, I think I buried her even deeper than she was pre breakup with the live in boyfriend. Either way. I have officially taken myself off the market and am in a relationship with just me until further notice. Because I am a very organized/goal oriented person, I am going to say at least until my 26th birthday. Because 26 is not dead, and 26 does not equal single for life if I don't have a boyfriend. And because I would like to think that by the time I am 26 (8 months from now) I will have learned to demand and seek out only the best for myself and stop settling for c.r.a.p.

2. STOP drinking. This is something I have a really hard time admitting. But I think I have a drinking problem. No. I'm not going to check myself into AA. I don't think I am so far gone I can't fix it. But I think I have a problem. I think I drink too much, too often, and make awful decisions as a result. I think I have withdrawal headaches also as a result. And I know it must stop. So I am done drinking until 2012. And maybe longer. Depending on how strong I feel at that point. And then I want to learn to drink socially and not like the crazy 21 year old party girl I was in college. Those days are over and when I woke up today, I put them in my "great memories" compartment and smiled as I closed that door.

3. START planning for what's pinned to my vision board. Along with the 2 above goals I also want the following things in the near future: (1) a substantial savings account; (2) to run a 5k; (3) to live in a house with a yard for Memphis; (4) to get Memphis a sister; (5) to get an iPad for myself as a reward for paying off my credit cards; (6) to start my own innocence project.

And just as a release from the bottom of my heart, because I can't cry and I can't scream and I can't tell all of these idiots who have hurt me in some way shape or form in the past few months to their face: You don't know a t.h.i.n.g. about me (thank you Kelly for those words) and although I am often sad you didn't take the time, I'm grateful because I keep realizing how uninterested I actually was anyway. And to you ... the one who I FINALLY told I would never be able to let back in my life ... I am so very happy you have moved on with yours. Honestly. It was huge of me to admit to you in the first place that I didn't and couldn't possibly ever love you again. But it's even more amazing now that you are gone. A piece of me always, yes. But you have finally disappeared and that is seriously the best gift you ever could have given to me. You taught me that I do know what love is, and that I am capable of letting it go. Even if it took this many years.

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