Lonely...Well Almost Lonely

The past 24 hours (not even) have been difficult. I forgot what it's like to be alone, to feel like no one needs me and to have no reason to call anyone. I was brought back to that inner voice telling me, you can do this. Don't call, don't cry. You can do this. It's been a long time since I had to force myself to do something. It's not that I don't want to do this, because I do. It's just, unsurprisingly, very trying.

I have been following the rules I've set for myself, and last night after work I came straight home to tackle one of the first things on my list of messes - no sleep! I read more of Eat.Pray.Love, prayed and then snuggled into bed at about 11:30, not getting out of bed again until 8:00 this morning. Two things happened in my first night of good rest in a long time. First, at about 12:30 I woke up suddenly feeling like someone was right over me at my bedside. Typically I would be scared out of mind, and I was scared for a 1/2 second. My room was pitch black, and I just closed my eyes and slowly opened them again. I couldn't see anything, and instead of jumping out of bed to flip on the light, I closed my eyes again and just laid there. I'm pretty sure that God was there in my room last night. Not in a creepy, ghost, spirit type of way. But just there, letting me know He was right there as I had asked him to be in my prayer shortly before I closed my eyes. I specifically prayed for what Elizabeth Gilbert prays for in her book - I told God I want a lasting relationship with Him, that I want to have a conversation with him every day, that I want to have PLEASURE and DEVOTION, and that I want him to be with me in these days of solitude that I've demanded for myself. And so there He was. I can honestly say that was the best night of sleep I've had in a very, very long time.

The second thing that happened was that my phone rang about 1:45 in the morning, and while one of the rules I have set for myself is to stay off the phone, there are exceptions to every rule. And one promise I've made to a good friend of mine is that I will be there just to be there and to listen. And I did. And my heart literally hurts for her. When you've hurt like that, at least what I can relate to and my experience of hurting and crying and longing, there's no solution other than to hurt. And as a friend, all you can really do is listen. But it makes you feel helpless, and it makes you hurt too. After getting off the phone with her, I prayed one more time, for her this time, and went back to sleep.

And today I am working on my second mess: school. I said I was going to tackle the small things first. So top on the list were sleep, school and exercise. So I will be reading the rest of the day until work. I'm starting to think this could be a really long process. But I'm already feeling like I'm on the road to the confidence and some answers. No, they were not handed to me in a day. But I think I can do this.