Memphis

Joe and Memphis in his Cardinals shirt... duh he's a Cards fan!
Napping on the way home.
Stop flashing that thing in my face!
Big Stretch!

On Friday Joe and I drove to LeMars, Iowa and bought a 7 week old Vizsla puppy. Originally we were going to get a puppy from Tennessee and name him Memphis... plans fell through but we were still in love with the name Memphis so we decided he would be a Memphis from Iowa. I am absolutely in love with him, he's perfect and he's such a good boy so far :) He slept the entire way home, sleeps through the night (wakes up bright and early at 5 a.m. - pretty sure he's God's answer to my prayer for a way to rise earlier every day and study for the LSAT because my alarm wasn't doing the job), and goes potty/poop outside for the most part. He's definitely a baby and loves to be snuggled, hates when he's not getting any attention and thus far really enjoys unfolding the laundry as I fold it and playing fetch with Joe. He has been an instant burst of joy that I needed in my life as of late and I'm so, so thankful.

Name: Memphis LeMars Catalano

Born: August 11th, 2009

First Vet Visit: Wednesday October 7th

Fear.

This week I realized that I am chalk full of fear. I've been working through a devotional with one of my best friends, and the theme this week is "Facing Your Fears." Initially, I was thinking the devotional wouldn't be relevant to my life. I was wrong. I began by listing all of the things I am afraid of.

Some of things on that list:

1. I am afraid to say NO

2. I am afraid of failing

3. I am afraid of not having enough money

4. I am afraid of letting those I look up to down (parents, good friends, my bosses)

5. I am afraid of what my future holds

Pretty generic and not exclusive to me. But I've always worked so hard to exude confidence, to be strong and to not show fear. So I've been trying to submit myself to God. To not be afraid of making too little money. To not be afraid to say no. To not be afraid of bombing the LSAT December 5th.

Then I went to the Discovery Class tonight at church. And here is what I learned.

I have been answering to many unworthy authorities.

The bible is authoritative because it's message is circular, it submits only to itself. The bible is true in its entirety and is the voice and written word of God.

Everything in the bible is true: everything it says is absolutely, completely true. It doesn't provide the truth about everything, but everything in it is true.

The apostles were trustworthy authorities. They wrote and spoke the truth and this is proven by the miracles attested to in the bible.

I absolutely believe that the bible is true. I do not doubt anything that the bible teaches.

There is inerrancy in the bible: it is not exact but it is correct. The bible is written poetically, with symbols and to an audience that believed absolutely what was being spoken/written.

To consult the bible on everything, and to read the bible enough to answer others questions biblically is to live the Christian life.

That I am spiritually starved... I can tell because everything is messy, I am stressed. I haven't consulted the bible at all on what's going on with me.

Someone told me today that I don't smile anymore. And tonight I realized I probably don't smile anymore because I am spiritually starved... because my joy is trapped beneath the heavier things going on in my life.

So today I learned that the solution to my fear is quite simple: I need to restore my soul. I need to find the joy I know lies in only one thing and that is faith and dependence on Jesus. I think I am going to discover many answers to my doubts in the next six weeks in this class. And though it will challenge me and anger me at times (like tonight when the question was raised about women as pastors and my feminist switch was flipped) I think I will come out glad in the end. The pastor's explanation was surprisingly sensible though. I quickly flipped off the switch and opened my heart and mind.

How I'm Doing

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice."

-Eckhart

I’m in Daytona Beach visiting my grandparents. Thus far it’s been perfect: sun, shopping and heart to hearts with my gram. There are some things on my heart though, and in order to fully be here and enjoy the rest of the time I get to spend with my grandparents (who are still adorably in love and absolutely the best grandparents) I need to write. Because when I write, I tend to straighten things out. I realize things fully that don’t make sense in my head. I let go and hand it all over to God. I do this daily in my prayers but sometimes I feel there are things worth sharing here.

I told someone lately I had changed and she said, “Why?! How?” As if it were a terrible, shocking piece of news. And instead of responding in a calm, joyful and appropriate manner I went on the defensive; proof that change doesn’t come quickly and totally but slowly and in pieces. You see, she and some others believe I’ve changed because of my Joe, which is why I got defensive. The truth is, I was changing before I realized Joe. I’ve been on a journey for a while now, growing closer in my relationship with God and with other people who need me or whom I need in my life. Some people I’ve neglected because I was in a selfish state of life. Some people who I’ve just met who encourage, support, and strengthen my dependence on God rather than worldly things. Some people who need my encouragement. I took a close look at all of my relationships, made a giant list of them, and determined who needed to be made a priority for this season of my life. And in the process, I’ve offended and strayed away from some wonderful, but spiritually and mentally draining people. This isn’t to say I have cut them off or divorced myself from them completely, but I’ve realized that my family and some of the best friends and important people in my life were being neglected because I didn’t have my priorities straight.

I didn’t expect everyone to understand. I still don’t. But here is how I’ve changed, how I’m working to become a more joyful woman daily. I apologize for those I’ve hurt in the process, but I encourage everyone to take a look at the importance of each day and how to make the most of your own life and your relationships.

Every day I talk to God, run and study for the LSAT. Every day I make a to-do list, accept that interruptions are God’s way of reminding us He is sovereign, and that only He is capable of completing his to-do list.

I’m working to improve my attitude at work and with the people I work with. I often have to remind myself that it is temporary; a stepping-stone. It is simply a job to get me through. I now enjoy the luxury of a comfortable and peaceful dwelling space, and I’ve learned to appreciate both the pleasant and the not-so pleasant individuals I’ve served at the restaurant – they’ve all contributed to my material belongings, security and peace of mind since I’ve moved out from the financial support of my parents.

And when it comes to those I work with, well I’ve discovered that superiority is a funny thing even in a privately owned itty-bitty restaurant in teeny tiny Columbia, MO. I think about how often I forget how small I am and who is in charge of my life, and I try to keep that in mind when power goes to the heads and out of the mouths of my fellow servers and superiors, especially my own. Is it frustrating to be corrected by those who doubt my ability despite my four years of overall good service? Of course. Is it infuriating to see some of the unfair happenings that go unmentioned? Yes, but only momentarily until I’m able to think about the bigger picture. I won’t be here much longer, but while I am I will do my job to the best of my ability, instill upon others the knowledge I’ve gained in a kind way rather than a degrading way, and I will find a way to find joy and have gratitude for the money I make, however much, each day. No longer will I dread work, but rather I will find ways to do my work happily and for God’s will, reminding myself that he is my only Boss.

I’ve learned the following about high-maintenance people: I am one! Just like others I know who are selfish, always angry, hypocritical and demanding, I am guilty of all the same traits. And in dealing with those individuals I’ve labeled high-maintenance in my life, I have to take a deep breath and remember how many people tolerate me, who show me their grace and understanding when I am at my very worst. This is probably one of the hardest things for me, but I’m doing everything I can to show the kind of grace to others that God and others have shown to me.

I have found my person. The one I don’t want to do anything without, who makes me laugh uncontrollably, puts me in my place, is a best friend and a perfect lover. Who I can fight with for hours because we are both so scared of what we’ve just found in one another only to wake up surrounded by flowers and warm kisses and a soft, “I love you.” I am beyond content, but daily challenged by people who think I am losing myself to him. That somehow he is stealing my joy. He has renewed my joy, he revived me as a person, he has done nothing but love me unconditionally. You see, Joe has known forever. God knew I wasn’t ready to love him the way we are meant to love each other. The way we do now. I might have temporarily lost touch with a few of my good friends, but I am where I want to be. He was a piece to my puzzle, you know, the one that you need to make all of the others fit into place, that make the whole thing start to come together. I can’t say he’s completed me, for I am far from complete. But things are coming together quite beautifully.

Finally, I’ve learned an excellent response to the “How are you today?” dilemma. It was in the book, “Cross Centered Life,” by CJ Mahaney. There are countless times throughout the day when I’m asked or ask the question, “How are you today?” Mahaney advises (and practices) always responding, “Better than I deserve.” I don’t deserve any of the blessings bestowed upon me in my life. I am not entitled to them. I did not earn them. In fact, all that is mine doesn’t truly belong to me. In other words, all that I have is a wonderful, non-repayable gift. I’ve always answered this generic question with a, “I’m OK,” or “not feeling so well” or “I’m good.” In actuality, I should have been saying, “I’m wonderful – I have all I need and more. I am so much better off than I would be if Jesus hadn’t died for me and blessed me with all of the people and love that he has.” What a nice way to let others know how lucky we both are by letting them know, every time they ask, that I am better than I deserve. I have nothing to worry about, nothing to be angry about, nothing to feel guilty about. Today, tomorrow and always I will forever be doing better than I deserve.

Love is for Losers

So this week I joined the "5 a.m. club," or at least my version of this club which begins at 6:30 :) I've been waking up earlier so that I can start my days off right, with God first. If anyone would like to join me, I would love you to take this walk with me. One of the suggestions is to have a few friends or relatives to call in the morning to hold you accountable to waking up early and being a better spender of time.

Anyway this morning as I sit in my entirely packed apartment and prepare for a long day of moving, I prayed for God to show me how to share his love, to love more like him and to understand his love more so that I might be a more loving person in general. That's a whole lot of love in one sentence. Of recent, I've noticed I'm not as loving towards others as I would like to be, especially those who matter most and are closest to me. So I said my prayers and then checked my e-mail and the first message in my inbox was the following daily devotional that my dad sends to me:

Love is for Losers

Now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. —1 Corinthians 13:13

You can learn a lot about a person by what his or her T-shirt says. Recently, one of these messages caught my attention as I walked through a local shopping mall. A young woman wore a bright red T-shirt that said, “Love Is for Losers.” Maybe she thought it was clever or provocative, even funny. Or perhaps she had been hurt by a relationship and had pulled away from others rather than risk being hurt again. Either way, the T-shirt got me thinking.

Is love for losers? The fact is, when we love, we take risks. People could very well hurt us, disappoint us, or even leave us. Love can lead to loss.

The Bible, though, challenges us to higher ground in loving others. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes what it means to live out God’s kind of love. The person who exercises godly love doesn’t do so for personal benefit or gain but rather “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (13:7). Why? Because godly love endures beyond life’s hurts by pulling us relentlessly toward the never-diminishing care of the Father.

So, perhaps love is for losers—for it is in times of loss and disappointment that we need God the most. Even in our struggles, we know that “love never fails.” — Bill Crowder

Unfailing is God’s matchless love,
So kind, so pure, so true;
And those who draw upon that love
Show love in what they do. —D. De Haan

God’s love never fails.

And people say God doesn't answer prayers quickly! I hope everyone enjoys their Tuesday :)

Michael and Farrah

Just wanted to remember them and say yesterday was a very sad day.

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."

Michael Jackson

"God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met."

Farrah Fawcett

x.

I haven't written for a while but today I had the day mostly to myself, and I thought it would be good for me to put something out there that's been on my mind.

First, I want to say that the only reason I haven't written about this thus far is because I hadn't met someone yet that made me realize the amount of bullshit I was putting up with. So I'm going to tell two stories, but I will preface them both by saying the guy I'm seeing now makes me very, very happy. He's comfortable and a soul mate of mine. I've explained before, but I believe in having more than one soul mate. In other words, my best girl friends as well as some of the people I've looked up to most in my life are also soul mates of mine. That being said, he's had to put up with me tying up the loose ends of my past and I know it hasn't been easy. I've never been one to close doors, but there are just some doors that need closing and he's been on the other side with arms wide open, unbelievably understanding. He's the only person I've been with that has made me not want to be with anyone else... and despite all of the doubting friends and coworkers, all of the ex-drama we both had going on at one point or another, I'm glad I'm giving this a chance... we're giving this a chance. So far, it's been more than worth it.

Anyway the point of this post.

Four years ago x.1 (I will call him) broke up with me for another girl, a younger girl. I was naive but not enough to know if I didn't break it off soon I would be that girl being cheated on. And perhaps he cheated on me before we broke things off, if so I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway the years go by and he never stops talking to or contacting me. I was guilty of returning the messages or calls, especially during extreme points of loneliness. I cheated on x.2 with x.1 and immediately tell x.2 because it did and still does make me unfaithful and untrustworthy. Me and x.2 eventually break up. x.1 told me he had broken up with the younger girl he dumped me for. Lo and behold, I find out much later that he hadn't broken up with her. So I say it has to stop. I won't be that "other girl." Then about 2 months ago I tell him once and for all, "Leave me alone, this stops now. I've met someone." He is "devastated" but agrees to cease contact. Two days ago I get a call from the younger girl, you know the one who he dumped me for who he then cheated on with me. She wants to hear the truth from me... did we do more than kiss? Now, not only did I once again have to relive a past I so desperately want to disappear, but I had to break a girl's heart who I once HATED for taking the person I loved. I mean seriously. Not to mention he was calling me, begging me to lie for him. I couldn't do it. I told him there was no way I could lie for him anymore so either he could tell her the truth or if she continued to call I would tell her. She said it best, he's now lost two great girls because he can't come to terms with the choices he makes. But the whole irony of the situation infuriates me ... still! More than anything it makes me never, ever want to lie to or cheat on a person again. I guess technically I never wanted to. But I don't think it's humanly possible for me to do it again. Earlier this year I was in a bible study and we did an entire week's study on forgiveness. And I thought at the time when I called and admitted to several people that I needed their forgiveness and asked God from the bottom of my heart to lift the shame and weight from my chest (including those ex's) that I had rid my life of the lying and the cheating and the fighting and the hatred. I don't know, somehow I feel like the events of this week have forced me once again to face my own mistakes yet again. Telling that girl the truth was by far one of the most painful yet freeing things I've done in a very long time.

Yes we did do more than kiss. Yes he did tell me he still loved me and was going to leave you. Yes, I believed him. Yes, I felt horribly guilty. Yes, I am so, so sorry. I hope you find someone new who truly loves you. He didn't.

x.2 - I don't really want to say much about other than he too lied to me but successfully. Funny how that works. You think you get smarter from relationship to relationship, you give the next person more trust because there is no way they can do what the last did. Yes they can, idiot. (I'm speaking of myself.) Anyway we cut off contact after we break up for months, but like I said I went through this who thing of wanting to ask for forgiveness and I wanted him to know that for as much as he lied and did some unfathomable things to me, I was sorry for cheating and lying. I needed his forgiveness. He was understanding. He always was. A few days later I get a message (on MySpace... classy right?) from this new girl he's seeing. She wants to know who I am and what I want with him. I didn't waste my time responding, just sent him a text saying he could tell her who I was if that's what he wanted to do. I wanted to tell her I was a woman in his life for 3 years. Someone who at one point thought he would be my husband. Someone who fought and fought for an unsalvageable relationship. That I wanted nothing from him, other than his forgiveness. And that I wish him happiness, and I hope he meets someone who will make him never want to lie again. And I wanted to warn her, not that he was a bad person. Just that she shouldn't be so quick to assume I wanted "her man." I've already had him, all I wanted was his forgiveness. I should add that he immediately told me she was nobody, nothing compared to me or who I was to him. Maybe she wasn't at the time but seeing that they are now in a relationship I wish them both the best.

I guess what I'm getting at is an ex isn't really an an ex until you actively decide to make them one. It's a process of understanding what you gained from the relationship, knowing what you want to change in your life and future relationships as a result of the former, and finally realizing that you're ready to shut the door on a person who will persistently come back through if they see it's still wide open, cracked or even simply unlocked. For me it was knowing that I wanted someone who made me want no one else, it was knowing I never wanted to lie or cheat on my lover, it was telling my ex's to get out of my life. Which is why I prefer to call my ex's just x. All inclusive, a piece of my past, they are all just x.

Finding a Way

So I've been MIA - actually just swamped with graduation, work and MIP stuff. I forgot how much freedom you think you're going to have in the summer at first until you realize you work doubles every day and all the in between time is spent at the pool, running or resting. I've been sick as well so that hasn't helped. Either way, life is good.

The devotional my dad sent me a couple of days ago arrived in my inbox on the perfect day (as usual). As I was returning to my innocence case that I took a brief respite from for about 2 weeks, the following quote reminded me how important the work is that I'm doing.

"Those who have eyes that see what God sees find ways to help the helpless."

- Julie Ackerman Link

I know I can't be all-consumed by the case, but it's hard not to think about him being in prison as I celebrate my graduation from college and spend a few days at the pool.

Other updates - I'm seeing someone new. Still trying to wrap my mind around that because it's been so long. But I am happy. Very, very happy.

GiST 8:365

1. Meeting my team for the summer program with the Innocence Project and learning we now have our own attorney for our case specifically! Such good news.

2. I bought my bridesmaid dress for Stacey's wedding :) And I'm excited to get planning!

3. A conversation I had yesterday with a nurse. I don't know how she knew exactly what to say to me to calm me down, but it was much appreciated. An understanding stranger is often the best kind of comfort.

4. Meeting the team I will be working with in the Infant Room at The Crossing this summer. I'm anxious to have some baby time!

5. Having someone to hold me while I cried and actually being able to cry for once. I hardly ever do and when I do, it's rarely in front of anyone. But it was nice to let go, and I feel much more capable of moving forward now.

6. Getting to go to a Card's game... finally! Even though they lost I had so much fun.

Hope everyone enjoyed Memorial Day Weekend - the pools are all open :)

Now if Columbia would just clear itself of the clouds!