First, I want to say that the only reason I haven't written about this thus far is because I hadn't met someone yet that made me realize the amount of bullshit I was putting up with. So I'm going to tell two stories, but I will preface them both by saying the guy I'm seeing now makes me very, very happy. He's comfortable and a soul mate of mine. I've explained before, but I believe in having more than one soul mate. In other words, my best girl friends as well as some of the people I've looked up to most in my life are also soul mates of mine. That being said, he's had to put up with me tying up the loose ends of my past and I know it hasn't been easy. I've never been one to close doors, but there are just some doors that need closing and he's been on the other side with arms wide open, unbelievably understanding. He's the only person I've been with that has made me not want to be with anyone else... and despite all of the doubting friends and coworkers, all of the ex-drama we both had going on at one point or another, I'm glad I'm giving this a chance... we're giving this a chance. So far, it's been more than worth it.
Anyway the point of this post.
Four years ago x.1 (I will call him) broke up with me for another girl, a younger girl. I was naive but not enough to know if I didn't break it off soon I would be that girl being cheated on. And perhaps he cheated on me before we broke things off, if so I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway the years go by and he never stops talking to or contacting me. I was guilty of returning the messages or calls, especially during extreme points of loneliness. I cheated on x.2 with x.1 and immediately tell x.2 because it did and still does make me unfaithful and untrustworthy. Me and x.2 eventually break up. x.1 told me he had broken up with the younger girl he dumped me for. Lo and behold, I find out much later that he hadn't broken up with her. So I say it has to stop. I won't be that "other girl." Then about 2 months ago I tell him once and for all, "Leave me alone, this stops now. I've met someone." He is "devastated" but agrees to cease contact. Two days ago I get a call from the younger girl, you know the one who he dumped me for who he then cheated on with me. She wants to hear the truth from me... did we do more than kiss? Now, not only did I once again have to relive a past I so desperately want to disappear, but I had to break a girl's heart who I once HATED for taking the person I loved. I mean seriously. Not to mention he was calling me, begging me to lie for him. I couldn't do it. I told him there was no way I could lie for him anymore so either he could tell her the truth or if she continued to call I would tell her. She said it best, he's now lost two great girls because he can't come to terms with the choices he makes. But the whole irony of the situation infuriates me ... still! More than anything it makes me never, ever want to lie to or cheat on a person again. I guess technically I never wanted to. But I don't think it's humanly possible for me to do it again. Earlier this year I was in a bible study and we did an entire week's study on forgiveness. And I thought at the time when I called and admitted to several people that I needed their forgiveness and asked God from the bottom of my heart to lift the shame and weight from my chest (including those ex's) that I had rid my life of the lying and the cheating and the fighting and the hatred. I don't know, somehow I feel like the events of this week have forced me once again to face my own mistakes yet again. Telling that girl the truth was by far one of the most painful yet freeing things I've done in a very long time.
Yes we did do more than kiss. Yes he did tell me he still loved me and was going to leave you. Yes, I believed him. Yes, I felt horribly guilty. Yes, I am so, so sorry. I hope you find someone new who truly loves you. He didn't.
x.2 - I don't really want to say much about other than he too lied to me but successfully. Funny how that works. You think you get smarter from relationship to relationship, you give the next person more trust because there is no way they can do what the last did. Yes they can, idiot. (I'm speaking of myself.) Anyway we cut off contact after we break up for months, but like I said I went through this who thing of wanting to ask for forgiveness and I wanted him to know that for as much as he lied and did some unfathomable things to me, I was sorry for cheating and lying. I needed his forgiveness. He was understanding. He always was. A few days later I get a message (on MySpace... classy right?) from this new girl he's seeing. She wants to know who I am and what I want with him. I didn't waste my time responding, just sent him a text saying he could tell her who I was if that's what he wanted to do. I wanted to tell her I was a woman in his life for 3 years. Someone who at one point thought he would be my husband. Someone who fought and fought for an unsalvageable relationship. That I wanted nothing from him, other than his forgiveness. And that I wish him happiness, and I hope he meets someone who will make him never want to lie again. And I wanted to warn her, not that he was a bad person. Just that she shouldn't be so quick to assume I wanted "her man." I've already had him, all I wanted was his forgiveness. I should add that he immediately told me she was nobody, nothing compared to me or who I was to him. Maybe she wasn't at the time but seeing that they are now in a relationship I wish them both the best.
I guess what I'm getting at is an ex isn't really an an ex until you actively decide to make them one. It's a process of understanding what you gained from the relationship, knowing what you want to change in your life and future relationships as a result of the former, and finally realizing that you're ready to shut the door on a person who will persistently come back through if they see it's still wide open, cracked or even simply unlocked. For me it was knowing that I wanted someone who made me want no one else, it was knowing I never wanted to lie or cheat on my lover, it was telling my ex's to get out of my life. Which is why I prefer to call my ex's just x. All inclusive, a piece of my past, they are all just x.
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