Sunday, December 25, 2011

Thoughts This Christmas Night

This Christmas night I'm sitting alone in bed in the candlelight. Memphis is at my feet curled up sleeping. I have a glass of red wine and Bridesmaids is playing in the background.

Christmas has always been kind of a serene day to me. The celebration of it all, church and family and food and that warm Christmas feeling, that's always been on Christmas Eve in my family. Christmas day is usually presents being opened in the morning and then watching movies and munching on food all day long. To me it's just one of those days that my mom always called "lazy days."

But it's Christmas night that this weird sadness always comes over me. Tonight was no different. I was driving home from my parents new house (which is about a 45 minute drive for me now). And even though Memphis was in the seat next to me, I felt alone. He fills many holes in my life, but tonight I kind of wished I was sitting shotgun with my hand curled inside someone's. I wanted to to come home and fall asleep in another person's arms. Instead I stopped by the liquor store, grabbed a bottle of Malbec, and came home to spend the night alone.

I'm not sure what makes me so sad about this night. I am actually relieved that this Christmas was spent with my family. I didn't feel like I was spending it with the wrong person or the wrong person's family. There was no fight or stress about the day. There was no worrying about exchanging gifts. I guess I just really want to meet my right person. And I'm insanely frustrated, almost exhausted, with thinking about when and how that's going to happen. And wondering why it hasn't yet.

In addition, Christmas time was when I met and fell in love with someone for the first time. And I haven't felt loved that way, or been able to love someone that way, since him. He's long gone from my life, but it doesn't change the longing I have for that kind of happiness. So maybe Christmas night has just compounded all of that sadness, nostalgia, and frustration and it's good that I have my sweet puppy, a movie that makes me laugh hysterically, and my trusty bottle of vino.

Merry Christmas everyone.