I Want to Live a Love Story

I've been aching to write lately. I can't remember the last time I felt this way, but tonight I have some alone time, a glass of wine, and my safe little blogspot that I've neglected far too long.

I imagine you're thinking from the title of this post I'm about to write about some man and a fairy tale. Not so much, you'll see.

Let me start with this week. If I had to sum up this week, I'd describe it by the following events:

1. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday in bed. I literally did not remove myself from my bed. I watched The Notebook, Love Song, Eat,Pray,Love, My Best Friend's Wedding, The Notebook again, all of the previous week's Oprah episodes. And I slept, more than I've slept in months. I also cried. I'll get to the crying in a moment.

2. I reached the 2-year mark with JC.

3. My parent's put their house up for sale. The house I still call home has a for-sale sign in the yard.

Now zoom out to the last month.

1. We moved. Back to apartment life until I can afford to buy a house. I'm loving it, especially the 5-minute commute and park within walking distance.

2. A tornado ripped through St. Louis, literally within 5 miles of the new place.

3. My best friend sat me down and listened while I broke open.

OK now zoom to the past year.

1. I moved away from a city that I LOVED. And although I loved St. Louis when I left, I feel as if someone picked me up and plopped me down here and it's not MY hometown anymore. Everything is the same, but I'm different and I don't know how to function here.

2. I started a job that I'm grateful to have, but ... well there's just a but.

3. I miss. That's not an incomplete statement. This is how I feel. I just miss. It's not a thing, or a person, or a place. I just feel that I've lost and am losing things... they're slipping away and I don't feel the way I felt one year ago. Maybe it was longer than that. Probably more like 2 years ago. All I know is that I remember feeling hopeful, excited, passionate, confident, content, loved, energetic, and full. And I miss. I just miss.

Back to the love story. I admit that I've watched too much TV lately. One show that I'm not ashamed of watching, however, is Shania Twain's Why Not on OWN. I've always loved Shania Twain. I think she's one of the few famous people that I think I would enjoy just being around. She makes me laugh and I think she's beautiful from the inside out. Anyway she said something that made me say out loud, "Me too!" It was something along the lines of feeling "choked up" all the time.

"The feeling you get when you want to cry but you fight it and you get all choked up ... it's as if now I permanently have that feeling, whether I want to cry or not!"

-Shania Twain

She goes on to admit that she's not a crier and doesn't think every human being needs a therapist. I started thinking about this. First, I absolutely agree. I don't want a therapist. But I feel as if I have slowly shut-up and in turn built up a tsunami of tears. I refuse to cry 99% of my life, but these days I'm always on the verge. I can't pinpoint one thing causing this, all I know is that I turn 25 in August and I feel obligated to start living out love rather than the silent, meaninglessness that I feel I've lived for the past couple of years.

Life's two most important questions are "why" and "why not." The trick is knowing which one to ask.

-Gordon Livingston

As I dwelled on my sadness and what to do about it this week, Oprah encouraged me to do something I don't know if I know how to do. She said to get to that quiet place and listen to the voice, you know the one that tells you what it is that you want and you need to hear. Maybe I know how, I just don't make the effort to get to that place and to listen. I have the weekend to myself, and I think I'm going to work on first getting to that peaceful place and then opening my heart, ears, mind, and soul to that voice. Because the love story I'm talking about isn't a white picket fence and a fairy-tale princess wedding. It's not about a man. It's knowing that what I do each day will leave footprints in this world that spell out love.

It Doesn’t Go Away

There are times when you want to say things to those you love, those close to you, but you can’t. You have to let them live it, feel it, learn it. Because me telling you what I know now, it’s not going to change the crazy things you’ll do or feel. It’s not going to change anything, it will only make me seem arrogant and complacent.

But allow me, for peace of mind, to tell you something that you’re about to discover.

It does not go away. There are certain people in your life, certain feelings that do not go away. They remain. They sit in a quiet corner of your heart and they are silently a part of you. The hurt they once imposed upon you, it returns like waves in the ocean. Constant, steady. Not every day, but ever-present. The love they once shed over you, it will haunt you. The lack of closure, it will keep on knocking. It’s not a matter of “getting over” or “moving on.” Yes, those things happen. But forgetting, forgiving, learning to love again the way you did that first time, I’m not sure it’s ever FULLY possible. Partially, of course. Completely, not so much. Here’s why.

A woman, she’s designed to love love. The first time she finds that, it’s irreversible, unchangeable, and most importantly it’s original. So to separate her from that, it’s like tearing her away from what she longed for up until that point. It’s to take away from her that sweet, innocent feeling of being told, “you are loved.” It’s to rip out of her arms and her possession the person who, for maybe just even a moment, fulfilled her every need. It, quite honestly, is to break her from that which completed her.

The thing about love like this, the “first” love. The “I still need you sometimes” love. The “Why am I still thinking about you?” love. The thing about it is that people think you’re supposed to pick up, drop off, move on. You’re supposed to all of the sudden forget that person. Even if you’re living streets from one another with completely new lives. Even if you’re supposedly “grown up” and “mature” and “so much better” than that which once was. You’re EXPECTED to be over it.

Here's what I want to yell though: I don’t think you do get over it! I don’t think it ever goes away. I think it’s something you learn to cope with. Learn to cherish, try to understand. But to make it fully go away. To expect that person who is so much a part of you somehow disappear. I don’t believe that happens. I think people lie to themselves, try to FORCE themselves to forget it, to make it “go away.” But I don’t think it’s wrong to still feel pain over something so precious. I don’t think it’s unfaithful to your new love, to sometimes be distracted or distraught over your past emotions. This is not to say, “I’m still in love with him or her,” but rather to admit, “Yes, I know what it’s like to have loved and lost. And sometimes, though I wish I were stronger, I’m not strong enough. I can’t deny I know that pain and that joy all in the same. I do know it. I do feel it as I would feel it to reach out and run cold water through my hair or burn my fingers on a hot iron. I know it and sometimes I have to be sad about it. And then I have to collect myself and keep going. Because it is gone. “

So though I wish I could tell you, “It gets better, it all goes away.” It does not. It remains. It hurts. It heals, but it leaves a scar. A visible one, not one that you can cover up with make up or a sweater. It does not ever fully go away, so please don’t hold that as your goal at the finish line. May you only wish to know the satisfaction in feeling that you’ve finally learned to hold yourself together after being absolutely broken into a million pieces. And be grateful that God gave you someone (or many someones) to love and be loved by. And most importantly, that you’ve learned to carry yourself with grace and composure rather than tears and in a state of disaster. That, in and of itself, is as much “closure” and “moving on” that I believe happens with time. The rest, time only makes hazy. It doesn’t heal as much as people say it does. I promise you, that, when face to face with your past or whatever/whomever it is you’re trying to move on from, when that dreadful moment comes that you try to prepare yourself for, I promise that your stomach will still clench, your heart will still ache. The only difference is that you’ll be able to keep your chin up and a smile on, and PRETEND you’re not effected. Other than that, it’s all still as horribly painful as it was on the day that you shut that door.

Catching Up

I just realized I haven't blogged in, hmm ... a VERY long time. Why? Mainly nothing new and exciting has been going on. No big news, not much to write about. But I figured it's time to at least write about the boring stuff that IS going on.

Today

I went to church. Got to hold precious little babies for 2 hours and then went to service. The message, as always, was just what I needed to hear. It was about purpose in life. Seems broad and unoriginal, but it was an incredibly necessary message, for me, today. I think what hit me most was when the he brought up how I pray. He said, "So often we pray for God to show us his plan for us. Now, that's not wrong. But there's something we must pray for first. And that is Him." Meaning: It's the person that comes first. It's seeking God and wanting Him and praying for his sovereignty in life, not to get in on his plan for me. Living for God's purpose starts with a person earnestly seeking the Lord, cultivating a heart for God in the mundane parts of life. It is more about me wanting him, than about me knowing His plan for my life. Once I seek Him, the plan will unfold. As I started flipping back through my prayer journal during the message, I can't tell you how many times I saw myself begging the Lord in the past 9 months, "Please, Lord, reveal your plan. Guide my path, direct my steps." That's not a bad prayer, but I've been missing it. I'm asking God to let me in on something that is exceptionally beyond my comprehension, instead of asking God to dwell in my body, mind, heart and soul so that I might become a person who seeks Him in everything. And viola! Or so I hope, my life will begin to have purpose. Because this _________ (relationship, job, school, friend, etc.) can never support the weight of my soul. Only He can. Which brings me to the next subject, how difficult it is going to be for me to move away from this church which has been such a soul-finding spot for me.

June & July

What am I doing and where am I going? I have no idea. And I do not like that that is the answer I have for anyone asking me that question lately. It's incredibly wearing on me as a person. I'm on the wait list at UMKC for law school. I've applied to a job in Columbia with Big Brothers Big Sisters, a non-profit organization that I've always been fond of. I've also applied to a few jobs in St. Louis. But no concrete decision has been made. Anyone who knows me, knows this is very unlike me.

However, this is what I do know about June and July. I will work as much as possible in June at the restaurant and I'm also doing research for an old professor and friend of mine for a little extra cash. I want to have every bill, including my car, paid off by the end of July because be it law school or a new house to pay rent on and decorate, I want to be in the best possible financial shoes possible. That being said, I'm going to have a very minimal social life. July 15, my lease ends. I will move in with Joe in his spare bedroom for 1 month. In that month, if I still haven't heard from UMKC or received a firm job offer, Joe and I will find a place to live in St. Louis and I will probably look for some sort of bartending/serving job there until I find a real, full-time job. I have lots of options there so it makes the most sense to move back to St. Louis. I've also been looking at and applying to several jobs in Denver. I'm not completely over the idea of moving to somewhere fun and adventurous for a few years before moving back to the Lou.

Maybe that helps explain why the message today about not trying to get in on God's plan was something I really needed to hear :)

Trip to Texas

Stacey and I rented a Prius (I highly recommend these rocket ship looking cars, we drove nearly 30 hours and spent roughly $55 on gas!) and headed to Killeen, Texas to visit Abbie, Don and baby Connor. I enjoyed the trip, especially getting to catch up with Stacey and seeing Abbie as a mommy. It was "wonderful weird," as Rachel from Friends once said, seeing her and holding her little boy. I also got to meet her husband for the first time, and it was awesome to see what a cute little family they are. It's weird how much you miss good conversation with close friends until you get a full 3-4 days of it. I needed it. Talking to Stacey on the drive was ... refreshing! She and I are in very similar and very different shoes, but she is by far one of my favorite people to talk about life with. I also got to do a little shopping :) Always a plus. Oklahoma was a very miserable drive, that is the one part of the trip I didn't enjoy. And I'm glad I visited Texas, but I don't ever see myself dying to live there again.

Trip to Mango with SB's

The week before Texas, I made a short trip to St. Louis for Casey's graduation party and then headed downtown to meet Jen, Susan, Jessie and Dom for dinner. It was one of those dinners that reminded me how very much those ladies mean to me. I say that but it doesn't really sum up how great they are. We just had one of those moments at dinner where we all looked at each other and were just so glad to be sitting there with each other, sharing secrets and understanding without reservation.

My "Boys"

Memphis is growing by the day. He is over 50 lbs now. His neutering went fine, I don't think he noticed, he was just so happy we came back to pick him up at the vet. He's starting to calm down enough to snuggle. I love the mornings where I wake up before he and Joe do and I just get to be wedged between them while they're both snoring. It's cute.

Joe graduated. He's also looking for a job. I'm having a graduation party for him on July 11th. Getting ready to send out the invites. He and I just celebrated 1 year on May 17th. I feel very lucky to have him in my life and we're both very excited to move on to the next steps in life, together.

Summer Happenings

June 6-9: Trip to KY to see my aunt :)

June 11-13: Wedding in Chicago with Joe's family

June 16: Dave Matthews in St. Louis!

July 11th: Joe's grad party

July 17th: LADY GAGA!

August 6: My 24th bday, Maria and Rebecca's Weddings :)

That's all I have for now. I'm going to try and get back to blogging at least once a week!

Why I Love the Lord

Today at church that question was posed: Why do you love Jesus? Well I've made plenty of lists in my life, trust me. I guess I never listed why I believe and why I love the Lord because I thought that list was an impossible project. The more I thought about it though, even if it's incomplete, isn't it still worth starting? It's not like I can't add or modify it later. So after church I got to spend some quiet time with God and I decided to put on paper why I love Him. Maybe this is personal to put out there, but I think it's something worth sharing. Some of these are from the sermon, most are from my heart.

1. He loved me first. This is something I truly came to understand this week. Of course I've heard it before, God first loved us so that we may too come to love him. But the more I thought about it, it just struck me this week. I never had a life-changing, coming to Christ moment. My life, in a series of events, has been a process of me coming to believe and love God more and more each day. I grew up in a Lutheran church, but there were moments along the way that God met me here on Earth via other human beings. The first, Renee. She was my 8th grade confirmation teacher. She glows with love. Seriously, she is one of those people you meet and instantly feel warmth and understanding pouring out of her. Then there was my life-long friend Rebecca, my high school friend Katie and then Stacey Marie and Rachel in college. All of these wonderful women have been God's megaphone to me. It was because of them (and many others I'm not thinking of like my mom, sister, aunt, cousins and pastors) that I was and am constantly reminded of the one thing that matters most - God loves me dearly. I went through and still struggle with my party like a crazy-woman, drink like I'm not 95 lbs personality. Do I love that person? Is that who I want to be? Is that who God made me to be? Not at all. So God keeps pulling me back, telling me he loves me, telling me he has great plans for me, reminding me he hasn't given up or forgotten about me. God won't let me put Him out of my mind, and I love Him for that.

2. He blesses me daily, hourly. I can honestly say, if someone told me today I have everything I'll ever have - no more money, no more people, no more stuff, I would be okay with it. I have more than I could ever hope for when it comes to blessings. And I love the Lord because even though I am satisfied, I know he'll keep on giving me more.

3. He has filled my life with rich, meaningful relationships. My friends, my family, my significant others. I know good people because the Lord led me to them and them to me. He chose better than I could ever have chosen and for that, I love Him.

4. He is beyond my understanding. I think there is this dilemma in the world where we think we need to know EVERYTHING. I am guilty of this. We want to be in the know, have heard about it, seen it and can tell others what they don't know. When it comes to God though, I LOVE that he is beyond human understanding. I LOVE that he is bigger than me and that I just have to accept that. I love learning something new about Him and His grace every time I open my bible or go to church or meet someone new. Many have heard this story - but one of the most surreal examples of God's grace in my life happened a few years ago in the Norfolk, VA airport. There I was, sitting alone in the airport, super upset and basically numb. I had just discovered some unfortunate news about my then boyfriend. I won't go into it, but most who read this know and if you don't - to put it simply I was in absolute shock. So this young woman approaches me and asks if my flight is delayed. I say, "No, it's not until Wednesday." (It was only Monday.) She kind of looked at me and I blurt out what just happened and tell her I'm trying to get a flight out of there ASAP. Then the following occurred (mind you we don't know one another's name, where we're from or where we're going) - she calls the airline and books me an earlier flight, tells me to hang on she's going to go get her rental car back, we get in the rental car and decide to share a hotel, she stops at Walgreens and runs in to purchase ice cream, girly magazines and vitamins (she said I looked like I was about to pass out), and then we venture on to the hotel. When this whirlwind stops and we're settled in I finally ask, "what's your name?" I'll never forget, her name was Talia (like tequila), she was from Atlanta, GA and she was on her way home from a mission trip in England. She asks me to tell her everything. When I finish she simply says, you need rest, can I pray for you. She then prayed for me for a long time (I don't remember how long, it was surreal like I said). I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning she was gone, left the number for a cab and my flight info on the table. A few days later she called to see how I was. Now I if you want to say she was just a nice person, OK. I know she was God coming to meet with me, saying hey, "You might not understand me or this situation or know this person I sent to comfort you, but I love you. Stop trying to understand it all." I love the Lord for being beyond me.

5. He remembers everything AND forgives everything. He knows my life detail by detail. I truly believe I am an awful sinner, that I fail miserably at reflecting God's love every day. But he forgives me unquestionably and that is too much for me to ignore.

6. He is constantly surprising me.

7. He is the mastermind, an original thinker, smarter than any of the geniuses I think I know.

8. He comforts me in my loneliest hours.

9. I yearn for Him. when he's missing, I know it and He draws me near. This past week I was extremely disappointed. So I didn't pray for a few days. I was missing my friend that just moved away and I was angry that I didn't get a certain job. Nothing seemed to be making me feel better. And then I stopped to pray. He's the only comfort that ever works.

10. There is nothing outside of His realm.

11. He is everything to aspire to - patient, gentle, loving, kind, selfless, forgiving, aware. He's everything I'm not but all I can hope to be.

12. He's inarguable. No one can deny there is a living, loving God. His love and presence expands beyond explanation. There might be a hundred thousand different explanations of who God is or what His kingdom is like, but there is undeniably a God in this universe.

Psalm 139: Dee Dee's Adaptation

Jehovah, Sovereign God, always existing, one true God.

You have searched me - when I rise up in the morning, where I sit during the day, wherever I am, always.

You perceive, understand and know my thoughts. You recognize my ways and are familiar with them - my daily paths of life, my manners, my habits, my moral character.

You know what I will say, before I do. This is way too much for me to understand, to comprehend. Yet, this is from your word, so I believe it's true.

How do you hem me in? How is your hand upon me? Please let me recognize this today.

Your presence is everywhere, in the heavens, in the depths of the valleys and oceans. At the dawn of each new day, you are there. You are here, and if I travel to the farthest sea, you're there. You're light is in darkness; you illuminate even darkness.

You made me, created and formed me, reverently, honorably, respectfully, wonderfully. I was not hidden from you. You saw my unformed body. All my days were written in the past, before I was born.

Oh Sovereign Creator, thoughts of you are precious, yet I can't comprehend all of you.

You knew me before I was, you know me today, tomorrow.

Search me. My mind. My heart. Examine, scrutinize, test and prove me.

In all of my anxieties and thoughts that disquiet me, show me where I think wrong.

Look, consider, distinguish my ways and show me my wickedness, unrighteousness, my sorrow and my idols.

Lead me in the way everlasting for I am confident that you, Father, who began the good work of your salvation in me and sealed me with your Holy Spirit will complete what you started.

Lead me in your way everlasting. Amen.

Sunshine and Encouragement

I don't have much time, but I realized the last time I posted was quite a bit ago. And I realized that post was pretty angry. So I thought I should update everyone on some things going on in my heart and life. Like I said, not much time so I will probably elaborate on these in the near future.

1. I am considering alternatives to law school. Either a job in journalism (using my fabulous Missouri J-School degree! aha!) or a service-based job teaching kiddos in need somewhere in this great big country. I'm in the interviewing stages for a few different things, and still awaiting the response from a few law schools. In other words, no decisions have been made regarding my career/future/job etc. I'm getting SUPER impatient. In a good way, I know God is working out all the details for me as I sit here on this beautiful sun-shining day.

2. God is truly working on my heart. Next Wednesday I will officially become a member of The Crossing. I have a lot to add to this piece of info but basically - though it might be a short time - I think The Crossing is God's church, the larger body I feel drawn to be a part of, here in Columbia and I'm eager to contribute more as a devoted member rather than just an attendee of the beautiful worship services they hold each week. Like I said, I've been learning a lot in the past two months about The Crossing, and God has truly been transforming how I think about so many things. It's been wonderful. And a definite challenge.

3. Memphis is growing growing growing! He's over 40 lbs. We recently discovered he has a heart murmur, so he saved his little man parts for some time while the vet runs some tests to make sure it's minor and they can put him under anesthesia. He is a sweet little puppy, and I'm so excited to welcome the spring weather and get outside with him.

4. I have been a book-worm and I'm loving it. Just finished Redeeming Love, which I also have much to write in response to and am currently reading Along for the Ride. I've been taking advantage of the library and it has been a much needed little safe spot I can escape to now and then.

5. I am working like a crazy woman and it's finally starting to pay off! By July I should have all of my credit cards paid off as well as MY CAR! Woohoo! Considering getting a new one, but I really want to bask in the joy of no car payment for a while. I've readjusted my spending in HUGE ways for me, but it's been so rewarding. I'm grateful for the Lord's encouragement in this matter, it's been largely responsible for my commitment to finally be debt free :)

Today is a very good day. Now Tuesday, I was quite down and discouraged. But I stopped and prayed a beautiful prayer (adapted from Psalm 139, which I will eventually post), a gift from a woman in my bible study this winter and within an hour, God responded, literally. Like I said, the Lord is loud in my life right now and I will do all I can to keep Him that way :)

More to come, sorry for the brevity!

PSA

It is not OK to tip $5 on a $100 tab ... ever. I would rather you keep your $5 because if you can spend $100 on alcohol alone but not $20 to appropriately pay your server (who for many rely solely on tips for income) your money is better left in your pocket. Please keep it and put it towards a fund for your future when you need help for your alcoholism and deeper issues. Also, if you did receive bad service and that's why you're tipping that badly (which is hardly ever the case) have the audacity to say something... not write it on the slip and not avoid eye contact until you exit the restaurant. I've tried very hard to understand people like you, you bad tippers. And the most I can conclude is that you are very greedy people in most cases who will do anything to save money while pretending to afford a life of luxury that you wish for but don't quite have. You don't have it because greed doesn't yield wealth. And wealth isn't always in your bank account balance, contrary to your belief. There is a God in this universe watching you, and He is sad that you somehow justify in your twisted mind not paying someone to serve you food and drink. It's a very humble task, to serve other people. It's not something people like you would probably lower yourself to do, which is why you somehow think you're above paying for service. But the day will come when you realize how accepting service with grace, gratitude and repayment (or payment) is something life requires of you. Eventually you will need someone's service and when they repay you with a bad attitude, when they ignore you, or when they treat you badly when you've only done what's been asked of you, you might begin to understand how frustrating it is every time you undertip. Until then, seriously keep your $5.