"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice."
-Eckhart
I’m in Daytona Beach visiting my grandparents. Thus far it’s been perfect: sun, shopping and heart to hearts with my gram. There are some things on my heart though, and in order to fully be here and enjoy the rest of the time I get to spend with my grandparents (who are still adorably in love and absolutely the best grandparents) I need to write. Because when I write, I tend to straighten things out. I realize things fully that don’t make sense in my head. I let go and hand it all over to God. I do this daily in my prayers but sometimes I feel there are things worth sharing here.
I told someone lately I had changed and she said, “Why?! How?” As if it were a terrible, shocking piece of news. And instead of responding in a calm, joyful and appropriate manner I went on the defensive; proof that change doesn’t come quickly and totally but slowly and in pieces. You see, she and some others believe I’ve changed because of my Joe, which is why I got defensive. The truth is, I was changing before I realized Joe. I’ve been on a journey for a while now, growing closer in my relationship with God and with other people who need me or whom I need in my life. Some people I’ve neglected because I was in a selfish state of life. Some people who I’ve just met who encourage, support, and strengthen my dependence on God rather than worldly things. Some people who need my encouragement. I took a close look at all of my relationships, made a giant list of them, and determined who needed to be made a priority for this season of my life. And in the process, I’ve offended and strayed away from some wonderful, but spiritually and mentally draining people. This isn’t to say I have cut them off or divorced myself from them completely, but I’ve realized that my family and some of the best friends and important people in my life were being neglected because I didn’t have my priorities straight.
I didn’t expect everyone to understand. I still don’t. But here is how I’ve changed, how I’m working to become a more joyful woman daily. I apologize for those I’ve hurt in the process, but I encourage everyone to take a look at the importance of each day and how to make the most of your own life and your relationships.
Every day I talk to God, run and study for the LSAT. Every day I make a to-do list, accept that interruptions are God’s way of reminding us He is sovereign, and that only He is capable of completing his to-do list.
I’m working to improve my attitude at work and with the people I work with. I often have to remind myself that it is temporary; a stepping-stone. It is simply a job to get me through. I now enjoy the luxury of a comfortable and peaceful dwelling space, and I’ve learned to appreciate both the pleasant and the not-so pleasant individuals I’ve served at the restaurant – they’ve all contributed to my material belongings, security and peace of mind since I’ve moved out from the financial support of my parents.
And when it comes to those I work with, well I’ve discovered that superiority is a funny thing even in a privately owned itty-bitty restaurant in teeny tiny Columbia, MO. I think about how often I forget how small I am and who is in charge of my life, and I try to keep that in mind when power goes to the heads and out of the mouths of my fellow servers and superiors, especially my own. Is it frustrating to be corrected by those who doubt my ability despite my four years of overall good service? Of course. Is it infuriating to see some of the unfair happenings that go unmentioned? Yes, but only momentarily until I’m able to think about the bigger picture. I won’t be here much longer, but while I am I will do my job to the best of my ability, instill upon others the knowledge I’ve gained in a kind way rather than a degrading way, and I will find a way to find joy and have gratitude for the money I make, however much, each day. No longer will I dread work, but rather I will find ways to do my work happily and for God’s will, reminding myself that he is my only Boss.
I’ve learned the following about high-maintenance people: I am one! Just like others I know who are selfish, always angry, hypocritical and demanding, I am guilty of all the same traits. And in dealing with those individuals I’ve labeled high-maintenance in my life, I have to take a deep breath and remember how many people tolerate me, who show me their grace and understanding when I am at my very worst. This is probably one of the hardest things for me, but I’m doing everything I can to show the kind of grace to others that God and others have shown to me.
I have found my person. The one I don’t want to do anything without, who makes me laugh uncontrollably, puts me in my place, is a best friend and a perfect lover. Who I can fight with for hours because we are both so scared of what we’ve just found in one another only to wake up surrounded by flowers and warm kisses and a soft, “I love you.” I am beyond content, but daily challenged by people who think I am losing myself to him. That somehow he is stealing my joy. He has renewed my joy, he revived me as a person, he has done nothing but love me unconditionally. You see, Joe has known forever. God knew I wasn’t ready to love him the way we are meant to love each other. The way we do now. I might have temporarily lost touch with a few of my good friends, but I am where I want to be. He was a piece to my puzzle, you know, the one that you need to make all of the others fit into place, that make the whole thing start to come together. I can’t say he’s completed me, for I am far from complete. But things are coming together quite beautifully.
Finally, I’ve learned an excellent response to the “How are you today?” dilemma. It was in the book, “Cross Centered Life,” by CJ Mahaney. There are countless times throughout the day when I’m asked or ask the question, “How are you today?” Mahaney advises (and practices) always responding, “Better than I deserve.” I don’t deserve any of the blessings bestowed upon me in my life. I am not entitled to them. I did not earn them. In fact, all that is mine doesn’t truly belong to me. In other words, all that I have is a wonderful, non-repayable gift. I’ve always answered this generic question with a, “I’m OK,” or “not feeling so well” or “I’m good.” In actuality, I should have been saying, “I’m wonderful – I have all I need and more. I am so much better off than I would be if Jesus hadn’t died for me and blessed me with all of the people and love that he has.” What a nice way to let others know how lucky we both are by letting them know, every time they ask, that I am better than I deserve. I have nothing to worry about, nothing to be angry about, nothing to feel guilty about. Today, tomorrow and always I will forever be doing better than I deserve.
