Sunshine and Encouragement

I don't have much time, but I realized the last time I posted was quite a bit ago. And I realized that post was pretty angry. So I thought I should update everyone on some things going on in my heart and life. Like I said, not much time so I will probably elaborate on these in the near future.

1. I am considering alternatives to law school. Either a job in journalism (using my fabulous Missouri J-School degree! aha!) or a service-based job teaching kiddos in need somewhere in this great big country. I'm in the interviewing stages for a few different things, and still awaiting the response from a few law schools. In other words, no decisions have been made regarding my career/future/job etc. I'm getting SUPER impatient. In a good way, I know God is working out all the details for me as I sit here on this beautiful sun-shining day.

2. God is truly working on my heart. Next Wednesday I will officially become a member of The Crossing. I have a lot to add to this piece of info but basically - though it might be a short time - I think The Crossing is God's church, the larger body I feel drawn to be a part of, here in Columbia and I'm eager to contribute more as a devoted member rather than just an attendee of the beautiful worship services they hold each week. Like I said, I've been learning a lot in the past two months about The Crossing, and God has truly been transforming how I think about so many things. It's been wonderful. And a definite challenge.

3. Memphis is growing growing growing! He's over 40 lbs. We recently discovered he has a heart murmur, so he saved his little man parts for some time while the vet runs some tests to make sure it's minor and they can put him under anesthesia. He is a sweet little puppy, and I'm so excited to welcome the spring weather and get outside with him.

4. I have been a book-worm and I'm loving it. Just finished Redeeming Love, which I also have much to write in response to and am currently reading Along for the Ride. I've been taking advantage of the library and it has been a much needed little safe spot I can escape to now and then.

5. I am working like a crazy woman and it's finally starting to pay off! By July I should have all of my credit cards paid off as well as MY CAR! Woohoo! Considering getting a new one, but I really want to bask in the joy of no car payment for a while. I've readjusted my spending in HUGE ways for me, but it's been so rewarding. I'm grateful for the Lord's encouragement in this matter, it's been largely responsible for my commitment to finally be debt free :)

Today is a very good day. Now Tuesday, I was quite down and discouraged. But I stopped and prayed a beautiful prayer (adapted from Psalm 139, which I will eventually post), a gift from a woman in my bible study this winter and within an hour, God responded, literally. Like I said, the Lord is loud in my life right now and I will do all I can to keep Him that way :)

More to come, sorry for the brevity!

PSA

It is not OK to tip $5 on a $100 tab ... ever. I would rather you keep your $5 because if you can spend $100 on alcohol alone but not $20 to appropriately pay your server (who for many rely solely on tips for income) your money is better left in your pocket. Please keep it and put it towards a fund for your future when you need help for your alcoholism and deeper issues. Also, if you did receive bad service and that's why you're tipping that badly (which is hardly ever the case) have the audacity to say something... not write it on the slip and not avoid eye contact until you exit the restaurant. I've tried very hard to understand people like you, you bad tippers. And the most I can conclude is that you are very greedy people in most cases who will do anything to save money while pretending to afford a life of luxury that you wish for but don't quite have. You don't have it because greed doesn't yield wealth. And wealth isn't always in your bank account balance, contrary to your belief. There is a God in this universe watching you, and He is sad that you somehow justify in your twisted mind not paying someone to serve you food and drink. It's a very humble task, to serve other people. It's not something people like you would probably lower yourself to do, which is why you somehow think you're above paying for service. But the day will come when you realize how accepting service with grace, gratitude and repayment (or payment) is something life requires of you. Eventually you will need someone's service and when they repay you with a bad attitude, when they ignore you, or when they treat you badly when you've only done what's been asked of you, you might begin to understand how frustrating it is every time you undertip. Until then, seriously keep your $5.

January

2010 so far has been packed and relaxing all at once. I thought I should post some updates since I've been absent from my blog for a few weeks. Also, I want to share my goals for the year, and reflect on some lessons learned from my ambitious list of resolutions in 2009.

Updates in My Life

- I did not score well, or as well as I'd hoped, on the LSAT. I've been wrestling with what to do... retake it (I don't think I'll score much higher and I don't want to pay for it, again!) or accept that I've tried and should pursue other options. I limited the number of schools I'm applying to (8) and decided that I will only pour so much money into this whole process before I wash my hands of it. Am I disappointed? Yes. However the Lord has been working so persistently and faithfully in my life that it's hard to let the disappointment drown my excitement for what's to come. As of today, I know I won't be living in Columbia next year and that is exciting in and of itself. I will miss this town, but I am ready for the relocation. It's funny how happy this place has made me and how wearing it is on a person all at the same time. It's a funny little place, I'm glad I've created a path here, but I'm ready to venture on.

- I think I'm finally finding my balance again. When Joe and I started dating I was kind of picked up off the ground I was stuck to and held in a bubble up in the air for a while. I've returned, or at least I'm bouncing back and forth between the ground and the air. I am so grateful for our relationship and the companionship I now have that I was searching for. It's tricky, the whole balance of love/friendships/family thing. I realized how starved I was for my friends and family and alone time. There wasn't any time for anyone besides him and the puppy. I think I'm starting to juggle a bit better though, at least I'm trying.

- I work more than I'd like, but I'm determined to get out of debt by June/July. I enjoy my job and the people there for the most part, and I try to keep a positive attitude about it since my days as a server/bartender are coming to a close.

- Memphis is about 35 lbs. In the next week or so he will have his "man parts" removed. Poor puppy. He can sit, lay, shake and knows where his bed is and to go there when the TV goes off. He only has accidents if I've not been over to Joe's for a couple of days and he just gets too excited when he sees me. And I kind of think that's cute more than discipline worthy :)

- I've become much more present at church. I'm there in the nursery on Sunday mornings, then church. I am doing a bible study with my friend Rachel on Tuesday mornings. And I'm in the Discovery Class on Wednesday evenings to become a member. I am so grateful for The Crossing. I believe it's been my saving grace in Columbia in so many ways.

Goals/Resolutions

Here is my list from last year. My goals for this year are basically a few of the things I didn't get to last year. Everything in red is comments/lessons/updates on last year's list.

New Years Resolutions

1. Stop talking to “sour milk.” It really is that simple. Don’t answer/respond, be strong and do what I know is best … for me! (check :))

2. Pray every night. Church every Sunday. God first. (I give myself a 60% progress on this one in 2009. January of 2010 I haven't missed a Sunday and I've made sure to attend my "appointment" with God each morning. It's been renewing and I have found my days less stressful, worry-free and more rewarding. Goal for 2010: 90-100% on this one)

3. Forgive myself more. I’m not going to stop being tiny dancer and having a good time while I’m out. I will however learn to stick to my limits and have more self-control when it comes to my phone, wallet and driving. (Check. Alcohol has become a very small part of my life. Not really a conscious effort, but I like the outcome.)

4. Say no more. My goal is to still be good to people, but only to the extent that it is healthy and comfortable for me, and to realize that I can never make everyone happy. They are responsible for their own happiness, just as I am responsible for mine. (Still working on this one. It's just really hard for me to say no, but I constantly disappoint others. Goal for 2010: Ask God to help me with saying no when I need to.)

5. I will try to be less judgmental, and overlook things that cause work to be unpleasant. It’s one of my favorite places to be so I shouldn’t make myself miserable there. (Fail. Goal for 2010: Make the last 6 months memorable and pleasant for myself and my co-workers)

6. Stop cussing. Increase my vocabulary by using my word of the days, writing them down every day and trying to say them at least twice during the day. (Fail. Gaol for 2010: Remind myself that I want to bring others to the Lord by showing his love through me. Language speaks volumes, literally, about a person's heart.)

7. Pay off credit cards and start payment on student loans. I’m not going to spend so much on small purchases. Instead I’m going to concentrate on getting out of debt. Get savings account balance over 2,000 (Work in Progress. Started paying off the student loans. Still managed to waste a lot of money. Goal for 2010: Pay off cards by June/July. Continue student loan payment. If law school doesn't work out, find a JOB!)

8. Smile more. (Still working on this one too. Smiling is hard for me!)

9. Do one nice thing for one of my friends each week (card, e-mail, visit, compliment, date) (I've definitely tried being a better friend to my true friends. I had to come to terms with who was my friend because they loved me, and who was my friend because I had something they needed or because I was a fun time. I treasure and devote my time to the women in my life who I grow and learn from as they grow and learn from me. 2009 showed me who my true friends were, and it was tough to cleanse my life of several unhealthy friendships I was trying to maintain. I thank God daily for bringing me to this tough realization. Goal for 2010: Grow in my friendships as I did last year so I might offer the care, concern and laughter of real friendship that I have grown to love.)

10. Travel to one state I haven’t yet. (Check - Iowa to get Memphis boy!)

11. More family time! Visit. Grandma and Grandpa for a week (both). Go see Aunt Susan. Go see Cousin Chris and babies. (1/2 Check. I did go spend a week with my grandparents and my Aunt Susan. I have yet to meet my cousin's twin baby girls and I'm still anxious to do this. Goal for 2010: Visit my dad's side of the family for sure. And of course go see Grandma and Aunt Susan again :))

12. Take care of my nice things better (Check. Goal for 2010: Keep up the giving away of unnecessary things and living a simpler lifestyle.)

13. Earn a 4.0 my last semester (3.8... Close enough for me :))

14. Do my nails every week (Check. No more wasted money on mani/pedi... except for special occasions of course.)

15. Cook for myself. Only eat at work 1-2 times a week. (Check. I've tried all sorts of new recipes!)

16. Read one book per week for me – make a library day (Keep this goal for 2010! I've been a regular at the library now for the past few months.)

17. Run twice a week (Failed miserably. But I've added Yoga AND Running to my goal for 2010 to keep me moving and in better shape.)

18. Go to a concert. (Nope. But I did see some awesome movies. I've never been a movie buff and Joe definitely is, so I've come to appreciate them much more. However for 2010 I would like to attend at least one concert, one play and of course see some of the great movies coming out!)

19. Reduce my carbon footprint. Be more resourceful, stick to the basics and recycle when possible. (Failed. Goal for 2010: Recycle paper and reduce heat/air use)

20. Gain confidence by believing I’m unstoppable. Remember what others think of me is what I allow them to think. If I am confident, they’ll think highly of me. And if they don’t, well it shouldn’t matter to me. (I'm not sure I really like this goal looking back. But I supposed I've become slightly more confident, mainly due to my growing relationship with the Lord. Goal for 2010: Phil: 4:4-7 Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.)

21. Take more pictures. (Check. Only of Memphis though :))

22. Work on Assad’s biography. (He's complete his part, now it's my turn. This one gets bumped into 2010 and I'm very excited to work on it. Also contemplating writing a book about the SBs. Maybe I'll become a writer after all...)

That's all for now. Happy Wednesday everyone.

The Crossing Church - Children's Ministry Reflection

In the course of the past semester the Lord has pulled me to the knees of my heart, literally with the 2-year-olds at Seeds of Promise and spiritually in the quiet time I get in the infant room on Sundays. I've always been passionately connected to kids. I enjoy their fresh, smiling faces and the hope and optimism they offer each and every time you meet with them. If I could describe this spiritual season of my life, I would say it's been a joyful challenge. I realized early in 2009 that I was spiritually starved: my church attendance was sporadic, I didn't meet with the Lord daily and I had few prayer partners and Christian friends to spend time with. I graduated in May and decided to take the year to accomplish some of the things that college didn't allow me to do. First on that list was getting back to God. The Children's ministry was my doorway to doing so. Not only did the kiddos bring a happiness back to my heart that had been buried for quite some time, but I got to spend time with amazing women of all ages who I could talk to in a relaxed environment and who encouraged me on my journey back to God. We shared stories about our struggles and what was going on in our lives each week and I came to respect many of these women along the way. A further bonus was that I was committed to showing up, and even though I didn't earn 100 percent on my volunteer attendance I wanted to be there each week and I was delighted that I was finally making time for God. It also felt good to be serving again, and to give parent's a chance for quiet time with God while I got to cuddle and entertain their beautiful children. I look forward to contininuing my service in the Children's Ministry and growing in my faith with the help of Him and the genuinely caring members of His church at The Crossing.

Watch & Read List

Recently picked up a People and it listed the top books and movies of the decade. Figured I should add them to my collections.

Movies
1. Star Trek
2. Up
3. The Hurt Locker
4. Up in the air
5. District 9
6. A Serious Man
7. An Education
8. Inglorious Bastards
9. Precious
10. Crazy Heart

I've only scene Up and Inglorious Bastards and that's only since I started dating Joe. I am definitely not a movie goer!

Shows
1. Glee (watch it, love it!)
2. Southland
3. The Good Wife (watch it, love it!)
4. The Real Housewives of New Jersey
5. Harper's Island
6. Grey Gardens
7. Nurse Jackie
8. Modern Family (watch it, like it)
9. Parks and Recreation (occasionally watch)
10. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (recently started watching and enjoy it)

Books
1. Open by Andre Agassi
2. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
3. Somewhere Towards the End by Diana Athill
4. Under the Dome by Stephen King
5. The Girls from Ames by Jeffery Zaslow (this looks awesome)
6. Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel
7. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese (also looks great)
8. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
9. Too Much Happiness by Alice Munro
10. Zeitoun by Dave Eggers (also looks great)

Other Good Reads (a la the celebs)
1. Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom
2. The Audacity to Win by David Plouffe
3. You Better Not Cry: STories for Christmas by Augusten Burroughs
4. When Autumn Leaves by Amy Foster

Home for the Holidays

I've always loved coming home. My mom has made our house a home. This beautiful, cozy dwelling space that I walk into and immediately feel that comfort feeling.

On the drive here I realized how long it's been since I've come home and just stayed at home. I didn't really make plans with friends this time. I've really missed my family and I feel as though I've let a space grow between me and my parents and my brother and sister in my five years of living two hours away.

My trip started off rocky. Packing the car in the freezing cold wasn't ideal. Then I went to pick up Memphis and he and I both ate the dust as we walked across Joe's driveway to the car. There I was, a stack of laundry flying through the air on top of me, a crying dog because he couldn't get up and me scrambling to get up with a bleeding wrist, sore bum and bruised elbow. Not a good start at all.

The drive calmed me down, it was smooth. Then I arrived to my dad who completely unloaded the car for me (love him) and my mom who fretted over the puppy.

Here's the thing about my mom. I love her, and I truly appreciate everything that she does for me and Nick and Susie. I think she is a wonderful woman and I don't always know how she does it. But I'm struggling. I think she is one of the hardest people to please, and while I used to do everything in my power to make her happy I've reached a point now where I snap right back at her. I know it's disrespectful, I know she doesn't deserve my shortness. But I think I've grown tired of her unhappiness and discontent. I look around and she has so much to be grateful for. If anyone has reason to complain, it's my dad. She gets to go to school for interior design (which she complains about). She gets to go out to lunch and spend time with friends. She has this wonderful home. And I don't think my father is perfect, but I think he is all in all a loving, faithful servant to her. I honestly do not remember the last time I saw or had a conversation with my mom that didn't involve a complaint about school, work or my father (usually all three). I don't know. I think what troubles me most is that I want to talk to my mom about this. I want to say, "Hey! Snap out of this funk you're in! We all love you but this is getting old." But no matter what approach I've tried to use with her, she manages to make me feel as guilty as she always has. I'm not understanding enough. I don't deal with what she deals with. I am too wrapped up in my own life.

Well, I am wrapped up in my life but I think I am supposed to be. I'm 23 and I can't imagine that she was still making explicit trips to her parents home at my age. In fact I believe they lived in another state and she was working full time.

I try to offer her advice, kind words or a little encouragement and, well "That's just not what I need. I just need you to listen." I don't mind listening. Honestly, I don't. But to expect me to not try and help when it's the same story day in and day out. I guess I'm only doing what I know she would do for me. She's always put her two cents in, she's always tried to give me a few solutions to consider. This is who she raised me to be. On the same turn, I deal with cranky, unhappy complaining people every day. That's not who I want my mom to be because I know at heart she's not. Maybe I'm just at the end of my own rope of patience and I'm being unfair to her.

I'm very discouraged. I have all of these wonderful, joyful feelings right now. I want to share things with her. I want her to be excited when I come home, even with the puppy. And sometimes I think she is happy, and that all the complaining is harbored feelings of resentment for us being gone. But I worry about her and our relationship.

So I'm hoping today is just like the falling on the ice in Joe's driveway - a rough start to a joy filled week. I keep praying for that anyway.

A few other things I think are worth mentioning:

Joe will be home on Christmas Eve, please pray for his safe travel. He is working doubles all week so others can spend time with their families and friends (including me) so it's my hope that this is appreciated and that he enjoys the days he does get to spend with both of his families. I love him and I'm glad to be spending this Christmas with him. He's one of my many blessings this year.

Don't forget the reason for Christmas. The best gift we'll ever receive is already ours. Today I went to church with my best friend and the pastor asked us all to bow our heads and prayed over us for a while. In the moment and all of the prayers surrounding he asked for those who received Jesus in their hearts today to raise their hands. I raised my hand, not because I hadn't already accepted Jesus in my heart (because I have), but because today was a joyful reminder that I need to keep on asking Jesus into my heart, into my thoughts words and actions so I might share his love more freely. I am God's daughter. In all of my concern about the kind of daughter I am to my own parents, I think I had forgotten who I really ought to seek to please. The pastor shared a great analogy about his own father - how he could go home to his parent's house and punch in the garage code and plop on the couch and eat their food because his father entitled him to everything that is his. That's God's free gift to us - a place in heaven and all of its beauty without any debt to him. Receiving presents is always fun, but there is no greater gift than that which God has given us. Take this time of Christmas to celebrate that gift, to bask in the love, family, friends and gifts in your life and to thank God for his grace.

Merry Christmas :)

Bottled Up

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

I don't post this verse because I'm feeling down or upset. I post it because in the joy of Christmas and the excitement that surrounds us at this time of year, I think it's important that we remember God's amazing love and care for each and every tear we've cried. For every worry we've ever had. God remembers and more importantly he cares.

I found myself anxious last night. I was laying in bed thinking of the million things I wanted to do this morning before working at 11. And I realized I hadn't picked up my bible or devotional or written in my prayer journal since the day of the LSAT. I was so worried, and in that worry I drew very near to God. Then forgot about him. So this morning I asked God to bring me back on the knees of my heart to him and to not let the flurry of this time of year distract me from my growing relationship with Him.

The verse above was a gentle reminder that God never forgets my worries, but he also tracks all of the good things that happen too. I was considering purchasing or making a bottle to fill with colorful and not so colorful items to remind me of God's continuous, perfect love and care over the events of my life. Perhaps a New Year's project.

Happy Wednesday :)