x.

I haven't written for a while but today I had the day mostly to myself, and I thought it would be good for me to put something out there that's been on my mind.

First, I want to say that the only reason I haven't written about this thus far is because I hadn't met someone yet that made me realize the amount of bullshit I was putting up with. So I'm going to tell two stories, but I will preface them both by saying the guy I'm seeing now makes me very, very happy. He's comfortable and a soul mate of mine. I've explained before, but I believe in having more than one soul mate. In other words, my best girl friends as well as some of the people I've looked up to most in my life are also soul mates of mine. That being said, he's had to put up with me tying up the loose ends of my past and I know it hasn't been easy. I've never been one to close doors, but there are just some doors that need closing and he's been on the other side with arms wide open, unbelievably understanding. He's the only person I've been with that has made me not want to be with anyone else... and despite all of the doubting friends and coworkers, all of the ex-drama we both had going on at one point or another, I'm glad I'm giving this a chance... we're giving this a chance. So far, it's been more than worth it.

Anyway the point of this post.

Four years ago x.1 (I will call him) broke up with me for another girl, a younger girl. I was naive but not enough to know if I didn't break it off soon I would be that girl being cheated on. And perhaps he cheated on me before we broke things off, if so I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway the years go by and he never stops talking to or contacting me. I was guilty of returning the messages or calls, especially during extreme points of loneliness. I cheated on x.2 with x.1 and immediately tell x.2 because it did and still does make me unfaithful and untrustworthy. Me and x.2 eventually break up. x.1 told me he had broken up with the younger girl he dumped me for. Lo and behold, I find out much later that he hadn't broken up with her. So I say it has to stop. I won't be that "other girl." Then about 2 months ago I tell him once and for all, "Leave me alone, this stops now. I've met someone." He is "devastated" but agrees to cease contact. Two days ago I get a call from the younger girl, you know the one who he dumped me for who he then cheated on with me. She wants to hear the truth from me... did we do more than kiss? Now, not only did I once again have to relive a past I so desperately want to disappear, but I had to break a girl's heart who I once HATED for taking the person I loved. I mean seriously. Not to mention he was calling me, begging me to lie for him. I couldn't do it. I told him there was no way I could lie for him anymore so either he could tell her the truth or if she continued to call I would tell her. She said it best, he's now lost two great girls because he can't come to terms with the choices he makes. But the whole irony of the situation infuriates me ... still! More than anything it makes me never, ever want to lie to or cheat on a person again. I guess technically I never wanted to. But I don't think it's humanly possible for me to do it again. Earlier this year I was in a bible study and we did an entire week's study on forgiveness. And I thought at the time when I called and admitted to several people that I needed their forgiveness and asked God from the bottom of my heart to lift the shame and weight from my chest (including those ex's) that I had rid my life of the lying and the cheating and the fighting and the hatred. I don't know, somehow I feel like the events of this week have forced me once again to face my own mistakes yet again. Telling that girl the truth was by far one of the most painful yet freeing things I've done in a very long time.

Yes we did do more than kiss. Yes he did tell me he still loved me and was going to leave you. Yes, I believed him. Yes, I felt horribly guilty. Yes, I am so, so sorry. I hope you find someone new who truly loves you. He didn't.

x.2 - I don't really want to say much about other than he too lied to me but successfully. Funny how that works. You think you get smarter from relationship to relationship, you give the next person more trust because there is no way they can do what the last did. Yes they can, idiot. (I'm speaking of myself.) Anyway we cut off contact after we break up for months, but like I said I went through this who thing of wanting to ask for forgiveness and I wanted him to know that for as much as he lied and did some unfathomable things to me, I was sorry for cheating and lying. I needed his forgiveness. He was understanding. He always was. A few days later I get a message (on MySpace... classy right?) from this new girl he's seeing. She wants to know who I am and what I want with him. I didn't waste my time responding, just sent him a text saying he could tell her who I was if that's what he wanted to do. I wanted to tell her I was a woman in his life for 3 years. Someone who at one point thought he would be my husband. Someone who fought and fought for an unsalvageable relationship. That I wanted nothing from him, other than his forgiveness. And that I wish him happiness, and I hope he meets someone who will make him never want to lie again. And I wanted to warn her, not that he was a bad person. Just that she shouldn't be so quick to assume I wanted "her man." I've already had him, all I wanted was his forgiveness. I should add that he immediately told me she was nobody, nothing compared to me or who I was to him. Maybe she wasn't at the time but seeing that they are now in a relationship I wish them both the best.

I guess what I'm getting at is an ex isn't really an an ex until you actively decide to make them one. It's a process of understanding what you gained from the relationship, knowing what you want to change in your life and future relationships as a result of the former, and finally realizing that you're ready to shut the door on a person who will persistently come back through if they see it's still wide open, cracked or even simply unlocked. For me it was knowing that I wanted someone who made me want no one else, it was knowing I never wanted to lie or cheat on my lover, it was telling my ex's to get out of my life. Which is why I prefer to call my ex's just x. All inclusive, a piece of my past, they are all just x.

Point (I).

I'm being forced to write. Every now and then, regardless of what I should be doing, I feel the need to just pour my heart out. That I-can't-do-anything-until-this-is-off-my-mind feeling. So I thought I should do that in order to reach graduation :)

I'm a list person, as you can see from my blog, and it's the best way for me to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty sure no one really keeps up with my blog anyway because I'm not faithful to it. I rarely write, and there really hasn't ever been a point to my blog. I might work on that this summer. But either way... I've reached a point. Not sure if it's a breaking point or a growing point or a turning point or a point of any real significance. All I know is tomorrow morning when I wake up things will be different. Maybe no one will notice the changes I'm making but I will, and that is all that matters. Eventually others will see and understand the changes. I've been weighing several things in my mind for weeks, months now. It's time to actively seek change in my life, rather than thinking that things should be different.

Yes I'm graduating. I meant, YES! I'm graduating. This is essentially like a New Year's Day for me. I get one year. I have high expectations for the year, I've been planning this year for a long time. I am convinced I will grow more in the next year than in my entire four years of college, and I am more excited than I probably should be. I'm not saying the growing will be easy. In fact I'm pretty sure the next year will be harder than my high school and college years combined. But I'm ready for the challenge.

So here's what's been on my mind. I'm not addressing or attacking anyone. I'm writing from my heart. I'm pouring out the pain and frustration I've built up. I'm sharing the dreams I've been harboring. I'm letting go of a lot of fear. Because if I don't do any or all of these things, I won't be able to accept any blessings poured on me in the next year, and I won't be able to grow. I want to learn, I want to change and I want to be shaped by my experiences in the next year. May 16 marks a new day. So I'm preparing by clearing out the mess in my heart and my head. This will probably be a series of posts before graduation day, I plan to write more in hopes of creating a reasonable, workable plan for My Year.

Point I: The Pain (the men)

Daddy I love you but when you went to war you scared me. For a year I was terrified, but I had to be strong. I was brought up to love my country, to adore the men who who serve us. But the truth is I've grown more and more to resent our government. To resent the war. To resent the fighting. I was never angry with you. I love you, I am your little girl and will remain your sugar pops forever. I support our troops, I still love my country. But I will never forget that I almost lost you to bombs and gunfire. I will never forget the rainy valentine's day you left me, my body sprawled across the bench seat of your '88 pickup truck crying so hard that I don't know how to cry anymore. People ask me why I never cry, why movies don't make me cry or how I keep my composure in moments that everyone else seems to be falling apart. I don't know how to explain that the pain I felt that day was the worst kind of pain anyone could ever feel. People ask me why I despise Valentine's Day and I can't explain that it marks the worst day in my childhood. And when you came home, well you're not the same anymore. I miss my dad. I still love going home, sitting with you on the deck you built listening to the rain and talking. But I miss my pre-war dad. I miss watching the fireworks with you. I worry about you every single day. I know you're still hurting and I don't know how to help you heal.

1(5)- You left me the day after He left. I don't know why I could never forgive you for that, but I do now. You didn't know how to deal with me or the magnitude of what I faced. You told me I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was scared and wouldn't admit it. I'm sorry for hurting you so much in the end. I never stopped being angry. I begged you to stay with me because you were the only person I had that made me OK with the reality that He was in Iraq. But I survived. I grew. Thank you, for making me realize I could face the fear on my own. I know now, surviving those 13 months, that I didn't need you. And thank you, for being there the day he did leave, for driving His truck home. For telling me I needed to pull myself together, my family needed me. Without you I was able to give all of my attention to them, and they needed me most.

2(7) You were the one I thought I would never get over. You broke me down, left me for Her, and came back crying. You built me up, let me down. Over and over, you still do this. You're like the ocean - always rushing ashore to my rescue at predictable times but receding back slowly so that all of the sudden when I really need you, you're as unreachable as the horizon. You might love me, but you left open wounds and your salt continues to burn. You've been a part of my life for more than 5 years now. I don't know how I feel about that. I just know I can't keep relying on you to make all of the other Not-It-Men not matter. They do matter, you matter. The truth is none of you are the one God has for me and if I don't let go of all of you, that man is never going to be revealed to me.

3(?) - You were my first mistake. The beginning of me giving myself permission to mess up. You were the first man to make me feel like I was just an empty piece of woman. I never forgot that feeling. In fact, now I recognize it instantly. Thanks, I guess. I can't say I've learned to say No to men like you. But I'm trying.

4 (11) - I thought you were it. You were the second man to make me resent the military and the government for ruining such an important man in my life. You love me. I know this. And that's why walking away was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it possible was knowing even you wanted better for me. You made me feel like an absolute idiot. Your lies destroyed my trust in everyone, not just you. I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you. I will love you, regardless. But trying to move on is almost as impossible as it was to stay with you after I found out, and to leave you after I realized what I needed to do. I know I can, soon I hope. But I miss your love, I miss the way I felt when I was with you. No one can make me feel like the princess I was to you, and I long to feel that kind of love again every night. I am absolutely lonely, and it hurts. It's soul-strengthening and destructive all at once.

5 (B4) You flattered me. You were my second mistake. Thank you for restoring my confidence, and then breaking it down again. With you I assumed too quickly I was back on two feet again. I wasn't. In fact I fell down so hard I blacked out. But I'm awake now, I'm getting back on my feet, and I can laugh again from deep down. I can talk to you and see you for who you are. You're not someone I would ever be capable of loving. I am jealous of your life-experience and your knowledge of who you are and where you're from. You moved me to want to know more about myself.

6 (L4) You also flattered me. But you... you preach respect but you're one of the most disrespectful men I know. You don't know true happiness, and I'm not really convinced you know how to love someone without expecting something in return. You use that word carelessly, and far too often. I was weak with you and I deserve(d) the treatment I receive(d) from you in return. But when you do learn to love in an unconditional way, I hope the pain you put upon others who love(d) you in any capacity will enter your heart and you can begin to have real relationships with women (and anyone else for that matter). And I hope your self-confidence is rebuilt in something other than what it stems from now- I know you will be wonderful to someone when this happens. You weren't a mistake. You were a test for me - what's really important to you Jess? Is it having just anyone or is it having someone who truly loves and respects you? You were just anyone to me. You made me feel extraordinary temporarily- anyone can do that.

7 (1) I don't know about you. I don't know if you really belong in this section, and maybe you will move to some other part someday. But here you are. You are wonderful and that's all I can really say right now. I don't think I'm ready for you just yet. Thank you for your patience and for hurting me by insisting I wasn't ready. Thank you for looking out for me, always.

In a recent prayer group, a woman prayed for all of the lonely, broken hearts in the room. The trouble is that I refuse to admit that I have a broken heart and that I'm lonely and most importantly, that I need prayers and I desperately want someone to come along. It has been 5 years since I've had someone to spend my every waking moment with, who I wanted to do this with. Since I've been comfortable in my "couple" status. Each of my three best friends (yes all of them - from 8th grade, high school AND college) are engaged as of the last month. I know that there is a plan, that I couldn't possibly carry out my plans for the next year with a significant other. I know I don't NEED a man. I pray every night for God to fill this emptiness. For Him to please strengthen my will-power, to help me say NO to all of these Not-It men. So part one of my plan - all of the above mentioned are becoming a piece of my past. Starting May 16, I am clearing the way for a new, right man. This means ending the endless rotation of text messages and phone calls to any given one of them at any given moment of loneliness. And honestly, there is no need to wait until May 16. Tomorrow morning, Not-It men are all off my chart.

--> Time to respect myself. To make me a challenge - because any "it" man will work hard to earn my trust and my attention. I might not know much about him other than this, but that is promise enough.

10 Things

I thought putting down what I've learned in the past four years of college about dating might help someone out there who is wondering if she is crazy or cursed or just plain fed up.

So here goes. I can't promise some of these won't be obvious or painful to swallow. I can promise that what I'm about to say comes straight from the heart. It's not in response to a bad breakup or a bad date. I'm not hopelessly in love or excited about anyone at this very moment. I was just talking with a friend and realized that I've learned so much about what I DON'T want. And despite still being absolutely uncertain about who or what I DO want, I feel lucky to know what I know now.

1. First and foremost, I've learned to always turn my phone off after 11 p.m. Why? Anyone calling/texting after that time probably isn't just calling to chat. Once I started this little habit I found that what I missed in the late evening/early morning hours was exactly what I should be missing. Be it an ex or a boy I met earlier in the night at a bar or even someone I was potentially interested in, calls after 11 were never to get to know me better. If they want to get to know me better or if they need to talk about something important, the absolute worst time to do so is between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.. I've never had a worthwhile, rewarding or satisfying exchange with a male during this time over the phone unless it was someone I was serious with. And even then, I need my sleep. Also, it's an excellent practice to strengthen your self-control and to show a man you aren't a go-to girl. If that's what he's looking for, he can go elsewhere for the girls who don't mind running over to his house at 2 a.m. just for sex. Honestly, the guys whose numbers show up on my missed calls when I wake up in the morning and start my day (and usually these numbers are rare to show up during normal daylight hours) are the guys I would rather not spend my days with anyway. I've never been a fan of desperation. For me, late night calls/texts are one thing I've never felt guilty ignoring.

2. Listen to your heart... and by heart I mean stomach. When you get a bad feeling about something, it's probably valid. I've never had a bad feeling about someone for no reason. One thing that makes me angry instantly is when men honestly believe they can lie to me or slip one by. I'm talking no intention of even trying to hide their idiocy. I'll give a perfect example. In one experience, I was told by a two and four-year-old about a huge secret being kept by my then 25-year-old boyfriend. I knew three months prior to the kiddos intervention that something was being kept from me. Did I listen to myself? No. It took the honesty of two little boys to make me believe what I'd known all along about a grown man. Pathetic? Maybe. Telling? Very much so. Case in point: Men will lie, but they suck at it. Therefore there is no reason for women to lie to themselves about this truth. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't let little boys reveal to you the truth about a man, it's much easier to hear it from your own head than precious, unknowing children. Trust me.

3. Don't be ashamed to have list of qualifications. If they don't match what you're looking for, better to know sooner than later. For myself, I want someone with a kind heart, a plan and a passion for life. I want him to indulge in my own energy with me and to move me with his own. I want a man who is confident and respectful. A man who kisses and tells is probably one of the most irritating kind to me. If he wants to share his adoration for me, that's one thing. If he wants to talk about me in a way that he wouldn't talk to my parents or my closest friends he is surely not a keeper. Not to mention he hasn't matured much since the sixth grade.

4. Every day really is a chance to start over. Something that's really helped me cope with awkward encounters and huge mistakes is this: We can't shrink the world down to us, because it's not really about us. Everyone is on a similar journey. People hook up, mess up and dive head first into relationships/situations they never should have. But every moment doesn't have to be dwelling on the past. If you want to start over right this second, go right ahead. We are each exactly where we need to be. Every awful, inappropriate or hilarious thing said to us by guys is one more addition to our knowledge of what we are or aren't seeking. Be grateful for your experiences, and when you know it's time to start a new chapter in your life do it. There are going to be times when you feel like your chapters are only a page long and you're writing a new one each day. That's OK. I've always believed the longer chapters are for later in life anyway, and that the most entertaining and challenging were those that only took up just one page.

5. Never, ever shrink down because of something someone else says to you, male or female, about who you are or what decisions you're making. Nelson Mandela says it perfectly:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

6. When a guy choses some other broad over you, be thankful. I say this sincerely. If he chose her, he didn't appreciate your magnificence. He didn't respect you. He didn't look deep enough into your heart to see what you were willing to offer. And nine times out of ten, he's the sucker that will look back months later and say in one way or another, "Wow, I messed up letting that one get away." Trust me, I've had it happen repeatedly. And each time, after going through the pain of wondering "Why her?" I would smile to myself down the road and think, "I'm so glad I didn't waste my time with that one." Be the girl that walks away with your head held high. No matter the rumors or awful things he might say about you, when you know you're one of a few, surrender. You deserve to be the only one, no matter what his excuses are for keeping his options open. Don't try to get even or get back. In moments when I'm feeling especially angry or hurt, I always remind myself that "The best revenge is a fabulous existence."

7. Patience. It's the most difficult idea, and it's one of the hardest character traits to master. But when it comes to happiness, patience is its counterpart. Patience is essential to happiness. Period.

8. Don't let a man pull you out of your comfort level. Even nine months into a relationship, if he's making you uncomfortable, say it. Be intimate, be adventurous. But above all, be yourself.

9. Foresee a future. Don't excuse a trait or a habit of someone today that you know won't fly down the road. Never count on changing a person. Be open-minded, but don't settle. This is probably the most difficult thing I've learned. I always want to believe I could embrace certain things about guys. The truth is, I don't want to embrace his disgusting, self-destructive, unproductive, pointless or bad habits. I'd rather he want me enough to want better for himself.

10. Know when he sucks. It's really not hard to establish, early on, when a guy isn't for you. The sooner you know, the sooner you can refocus your life on a right path for you. It's funny how long it takes girls sometimes to see flaws. Sure, he might sweep you off your feet and fill the loneliness that's been eating away at your for the past year or so or however long you've been single. But don't try to tuck away all of the horrible, ridiculous habits and characteristics of his that make you cringe when you try to place him somewhere in your future. Don't forget who he was before you saw this dreamy new person all of the sudden; and if you didn't know him before, try to remove the "lala" factor and picture how he would treat you when he wasn't trying. I always think that's the best test of a man. What is he like when you're "not looking." Who is he when you aren't around. Figure that out, and if he's not someone you really find charming in everyday life, find someone that is.