Break Even

I always know when I've hit a breaking point, because the only way I break is through writing. And tonight, I had to sit down what I was working on for school and come here. My little beach ball blog that I turn to when I need to get it all out. It is my safe place. And I know people can read it, which is kind of the beauty of it. If they want to read it, they can. But I'm not shoving it down anyones throat or putting this out there as a plea for help. I don't really know where to start, but I feel like my life has spiraled out of control. I'm not sure where I lost it or why, but I think the first step in getting it back together is admitting to myself I need to.

I woke up today. Literally. I woke up and decided this is my life and I am letting it slip away. To drinking. To lust. To money. To meaninglessness. To sadness. To technology. To ignorant people. To what other people want.

When I make decisions, this blog helps me commit to them. I know it sounds crazy but self control has never been my strong point. So when I write them on here I feel obligated to try to uphold them. Here is what I've pinned to my vision board (a little bulletin board in my bedroom) for the rest of 2011 (I'm trying to be realistic here and make this doable).

1. STOP the madness with anyone who doesn't have a vagina (e.g., men). I try to say I'm not worried about finding someone, but I am. Obsessed actually. And I've let this little (understatement) obsession turn me into someone who has no self-respect, confidence, or brain to be quite honest. And I know deep down I am not ready for someone. I became single, and I can't get in the car and go to work without wondering if there are cute boys in cars around me. Am I actually going to meet someone in a car on the 5 minute drive to work every day? No way. I am self-admittedly a boy-crazy woman. And need to get a grip. Not because I don't want someone. But because I want someone worth waiting for, and I am forcing myself to wait. This other method (something I would describe along the lines of being a s.l.u.t.) is not me. And I refuse to let me become that. I am not for sale. And I am d.o.n.e. looking as of 6 am today (when I woke up). I don't want a man in my life again until I am me again. And me has not made her way to the surface yet. In fact, I think I buried her even deeper than she was pre breakup with the live in boyfriend. Either way. I have officially taken myself off the market and am in a relationship with just me until further notice. Because I am a very organized/goal oriented person, I am going to say at least until my 26th birthday. Because 26 is not dead, and 26 does not equal single for life if I don't have a boyfriend. And because I would like to think that by the time I am 26 (8 months from now) I will have learned to demand and seek out only the best for myself and stop settling for c.r.a.p.

2. STOP drinking. This is something I have a really hard time admitting. But I think I have a drinking problem. No. I'm not going to check myself into AA. I don't think I am so far gone I can't fix it. But I think I have a problem. I think I drink too much, too often, and make awful decisions as a result. I think I have withdrawal headaches also as a result. And I know it must stop. So I am done drinking until 2012. And maybe longer. Depending on how strong I feel at that point. And then I want to learn to drink socially and not like the crazy 21 year old party girl I was in college. Those days are over and when I woke up today, I put them in my "great memories" compartment and smiled as I closed that door.

3. START planning for what's pinned to my vision board. Along with the 2 above goals I also want the following things in the near future: (1) a substantial savings account; (2) to run a 5k; (3) to live in a house with a yard for Memphis; (4) to get Memphis a sister; (5) to get an iPad for myself as a reward for paying off my credit cards; (6) to start my own innocence project.

And just as a release from the bottom of my heart, because I can't cry and I can't scream and I can't tell all of these idiots who have hurt me in some way shape or form in the past few months to their face: You don't know a t.h.i.n.g. about me (thank you Kelly for those words) and although I am often sad you didn't take the time, I'm grateful because I keep realizing how uninterested I actually was anyway. And to you ... the one who I FINALLY told I would never be able to let back in my life ... I am so very happy you have moved on with yours. Honestly. It was huge of me to admit to you in the first place that I didn't and couldn't possibly ever love you again. But it's even more amazing now that you are gone. A piece of me always, yes. But you have finally disappeared and that is seriously the best gift you ever could have given to me. You taught me that I do know what love is, and that I am capable of letting it go. Even if it took this many years.

Why I Love the Lord

Today at church that question was posed: Why do you love Jesus? Well I've made plenty of lists in my life, trust me. I guess I never listed why I believe and why I love the Lord because I thought that list was an impossible project. The more I thought about it though, even if it's incomplete, isn't it still worth starting? It's not like I can't add or modify it later. So after church I got to spend some quiet time with God and I decided to put on paper why I love Him. Maybe this is personal to put out there, but I think it's something worth sharing. Some of these are from the sermon, most are from my heart.

1. He loved me first. This is something I truly came to understand this week. Of course I've heard it before, God first loved us so that we may too come to love him. But the more I thought about it, it just struck me this week. I never had a life-changing, coming to Christ moment. My life, in a series of events, has been a process of me coming to believe and love God more and more each day. I grew up in a Lutheran church, but there were moments along the way that God met me here on Earth via other human beings. The first, Renee. She was my 8th grade confirmation teacher. She glows with love. Seriously, she is one of those people you meet and instantly feel warmth and understanding pouring out of her. Then there was my life-long friend Rebecca, my high school friend Katie and then Stacey Marie and Rachel in college. All of these wonderful women have been God's megaphone to me. It was because of them (and many others I'm not thinking of like my mom, sister, aunt, cousins and pastors) that I was and am constantly reminded of the one thing that matters most - God loves me dearly. I went through and still struggle with my party like a crazy-woman, drink like I'm not 95 lbs personality. Do I love that person? Is that who I want to be? Is that who God made me to be? Not at all. So God keeps pulling me back, telling me he loves me, telling me he has great plans for me, reminding me he hasn't given up or forgotten about me. God won't let me put Him out of my mind, and I love Him for that.

2. He blesses me daily, hourly. I can honestly say, if someone told me today I have everything I'll ever have - no more money, no more people, no more stuff, I would be okay with it. I have more than I could ever hope for when it comes to blessings. And I love the Lord because even though I am satisfied, I know he'll keep on giving me more.

3. He has filled my life with rich, meaningful relationships. My friends, my family, my significant others. I know good people because the Lord led me to them and them to me. He chose better than I could ever have chosen and for that, I love Him.

4. He is beyond my understanding. I think there is this dilemma in the world where we think we need to know EVERYTHING. I am guilty of this. We want to be in the know, have heard about it, seen it and can tell others what they don't know. When it comes to God though, I LOVE that he is beyond human understanding. I LOVE that he is bigger than me and that I just have to accept that. I love learning something new about Him and His grace every time I open my bible or go to church or meet someone new. Many have heard this story - but one of the most surreal examples of God's grace in my life happened a few years ago in the Norfolk, VA airport. There I was, sitting alone in the airport, super upset and basically numb. I had just discovered some unfortunate news about my then boyfriend. I won't go into it, but most who read this know and if you don't - to put it simply I was in absolute shock. So this young woman approaches me and asks if my flight is delayed. I say, "No, it's not until Wednesday." (It was only Monday.) She kind of looked at me and I blurt out what just happened and tell her I'm trying to get a flight out of there ASAP. Then the following occurred (mind you we don't know one another's name, where we're from or where we're going) - she calls the airline and books me an earlier flight, tells me to hang on she's going to go get her rental car back, we get in the rental car and decide to share a hotel, she stops at Walgreens and runs in to purchase ice cream, girly magazines and vitamins (she said I looked like I was about to pass out), and then we venture on to the hotel. When this whirlwind stops and we're settled in I finally ask, "what's your name?" I'll never forget, her name was Talia (like tequila), she was from Atlanta, GA and she was on her way home from a mission trip in England. She asks me to tell her everything. When I finish she simply says, you need rest, can I pray for you. She then prayed for me for a long time (I don't remember how long, it was surreal like I said). I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning she was gone, left the number for a cab and my flight info on the table. A few days later she called to see how I was. Now I if you want to say she was just a nice person, OK. I know she was God coming to meet with me, saying hey, "You might not understand me or this situation or know this person I sent to comfort you, but I love you. Stop trying to understand it all." I love the Lord for being beyond me.

5. He remembers everything AND forgives everything. He knows my life detail by detail. I truly believe I am an awful sinner, that I fail miserably at reflecting God's love every day. But he forgives me unquestionably and that is too much for me to ignore.

6. He is constantly surprising me.

7. He is the mastermind, an original thinker, smarter than any of the geniuses I think I know.

8. He comforts me in my loneliest hours.

9. I yearn for Him. when he's missing, I know it and He draws me near. This past week I was extremely disappointed. So I didn't pray for a few days. I was missing my friend that just moved away and I was angry that I didn't get a certain job. Nothing seemed to be making me feel better. And then I stopped to pray. He's the only comfort that ever works.

10. There is nothing outside of His realm.

11. He is everything to aspire to - patient, gentle, loving, kind, selfless, forgiving, aware. He's everything I'm not but all I can hope to be.

12. He's inarguable. No one can deny there is a living, loving God. His love and presence expands beyond explanation. There might be a hundred thousand different explanations of who God is or what His kingdom is like, but there is undeniably a God in this universe.

Bottled Up

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

I don't post this verse because I'm feeling down or upset. I post it because in the joy of Christmas and the excitement that surrounds us at this time of year, I think it's important that we remember God's amazing love and care for each and every tear we've cried. For every worry we've ever had. God remembers and more importantly he cares.

I found myself anxious last night. I was laying in bed thinking of the million things I wanted to do this morning before working at 11. And I realized I hadn't picked up my bible or devotional or written in my prayer journal since the day of the LSAT. I was so worried, and in that worry I drew very near to God. Then forgot about him. So this morning I asked God to bring me back on the knees of my heart to him and to not let the flurry of this time of year distract me from my growing relationship with Him.

The verse above was a gentle reminder that God never forgets my worries, but he also tracks all of the good things that happen too. I was considering purchasing or making a bottle to fill with colorful and not so colorful items to remind me of God's continuous, perfect love and care over the events of my life. Perhaps a New Year's project.

Happy Wednesday :)

Fear.

This week I realized that I am chalk full of fear. I've been working through a devotional with one of my best friends, and the theme this week is "Facing Your Fears." Initially, I was thinking the devotional wouldn't be relevant to my life. I was wrong. I began by listing all of the things I am afraid of.

Some of things on that list:

1. I am afraid to say NO

2. I am afraid of failing

3. I am afraid of not having enough money

4. I am afraid of letting those I look up to down (parents, good friends, my bosses)

5. I am afraid of what my future holds

Pretty generic and not exclusive to me. But I've always worked so hard to exude confidence, to be strong and to not show fear. So I've been trying to submit myself to God. To not be afraid of making too little money. To not be afraid to say no. To not be afraid of bombing the LSAT December 5th.

Then I went to the Discovery Class tonight at church. And here is what I learned.

I have been answering to many unworthy authorities.

The bible is authoritative because it's message is circular, it submits only to itself. The bible is true in its entirety and is the voice and written word of God.

Everything in the bible is true: everything it says is absolutely, completely true. It doesn't provide the truth about everything, but everything in it is true.

The apostles were trustworthy authorities. They wrote and spoke the truth and this is proven by the miracles attested to in the bible.

I absolutely believe that the bible is true. I do not doubt anything that the bible teaches.

There is inerrancy in the bible: it is not exact but it is correct. The bible is written poetically, with symbols and to an audience that believed absolutely what was being spoken/written.

To consult the bible on everything, and to read the bible enough to answer others questions biblically is to live the Christian life.

That I am spiritually starved... I can tell because everything is messy, I am stressed. I haven't consulted the bible at all on what's going on with me.

Someone told me today that I don't smile anymore. And tonight I realized I probably don't smile anymore because I am spiritually starved... because my joy is trapped beneath the heavier things going on in my life.

So today I learned that the solution to my fear is quite simple: I need to restore my soul. I need to find the joy I know lies in only one thing and that is faith and dependence on Jesus. I think I am going to discover many answers to my doubts in the next six weeks in this class. And though it will challenge me and anger me at times (like tonight when the question was raised about women as pastors and my feminist switch was flipped) I think I will come out glad in the end. The pastor's explanation was surprisingly sensible though. I quickly flipped off the switch and opened my heart and mind.

Happy Mother's Day

Kind of strange because I actually have friends who are first time moms this year :) Crazy but wonderful... made the day take on new meaning. I took my mom to P.F. Changs on Friday when I was in town and we went shopping. I love my mom, she's become a much more recognized blessing in my life this year.

A few months ago my partner on the Innocence Project and I were in southeast MO investigating our case and she turned to me and asked, "You know what's crazy? If this girl's mom had just went looking for her we wouldn't be here 20 years later on her murder trail trying to determine what happened to her that night." I started thinking about all of the times I resented my mom for calling and checking on me or making me come home on prom night instead of going to the after party or having to see a persons parents home before I was allowed to stay at their house. I hated her for that - briefly. I remember calling her when I got home from my trip and just saying sorry and telling her how much I appreciated her protection. I know not everyone has a mom who puts their kids before everything, including themselves. And watching my younger siblings resent her the same way I did is really hard. I can't say I don't still take her for granted at times but I do know now that I let her know as much as possible how much I appreciate her. When you have a good mom, every day should be like mother's day. I think about being a mom and it terrifies me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love my children they way my mom loved my brother and sister and I. I can aspire to it, but I don't know how capable I feel of doing it. I've got a while before that's even an issue I suppose :)

Anyway I am working a double and don't have much time but wanted to put my GiST list up. I know I'm studying right after work tonight until I take my final Tuesday at 10:30.

GiST 4:365

1. My mom: in all of her overreacting, overprotective sometimes crazy ways. She is by far the greatest blessing I've had since I was traveling with her in her womb.

2. A little girl named Isadora (note to self that I LOVE that name!) at my table today who blew me kisses to apologize after swatting my hand away when I tried to pick up her bowl of ice cream that she wasn't finished with yet :)

3. Rachel and my cousin Chrissy - two of the moms that have made this day take on a brand new, wonderful meaning

4. This weekend: I got to see friends and family and still work enough to pay the bills! It was a perfect weekend and a great precursor to how my life is going to be post-graduation!

5. All of my relatives coming to watch me graduate, esp my Aunt Susan. I'm really excited to see her and show her where I live and why I love it so much :)

Point (II).

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."

- Bo Jackson

My dad sends me these wonderful, short devotional readings every day. I try to read them in the mornings, because they set my mind right and my heart at ease. Yesterday's read:

Jesus whispers “I am with you”
In the hour of deepest need;When the way is dark and lonesome,
“I am with you, I will lead.” —Morris

First make sure you are with Him, then you can be sure He’ll be with you.

There's a reason this was meaningful to me - mainly because I'm feeling lonely these days. But it's the weirdest kind of loneliness because I really don't want it to change. I enjoy my peace and quiet, I enjoy and despise being this lonely. It's hard to explain. But for example, tonight at work I was talking with the girls and every one of them was complaining about not wanting to have sex with their significant others. And I didn't really say much in the conversation, mainly because I don't have this problem as of present. But rather than feeling left out or extremely happy I wasn't sharing their misery - I was just kind of... blank. I started thinking about things bigger than my friendships and my lack of a steady relationship and about all of the things I have been called to do recently. As I stood there and the conversation continued I slowly walked away from it, not because I didn't care but just because I feel so wholly divorced from all of my closest friends. A part of me wishes I had a man to fill the void in my life, but much more of me realizes no man is going to be able to do that until I let God fill the void he's created for me. He's got a huge to-do list for me, and it's only manageable if I go at it solo (with Him as my guide of course).

Before I forget them (these to-do's), I figure I should write down what I will be doing beginning May 16. I've already started preparing and saving, none of these are overly ambitious or shortcoming of any ability I might have. I only ask for your encouragement, belief and support. Thank you :)

1. 1. Trip to IL to see my cousin, meet her baby girls and get out of Columbia in celebration of graduation!

2. Trip to KY to spend time with my Aunt Susan who I miss and who reminds me daily to value my almost-complete independence (I rely on God, he requires my complete dependence on Him more often that I'd like to hand it over ... ahem all the time)

3.Go an a cruise with my girlfriends.

4. 4th of July at the Lake (It's been far too many summers since I've been to the Lake!)

5. Plan a fabulous shower/bachelorette party for my best friend :) and be in my first wedding, ever! in October as the maid-of-honor
6. Mission Trip to Africa (3-6 weeks). Find someone to go on this mission trip with me.

7. Take the LSAT, apply to law school October-December

<<

8. Trip to Florida to spend time with my beautifully-aging

grandparents :)

9. Get the innocence case I'm currently working on to the point that I can hand it over to the lawyers on the Project and hopefully free my client in the next few years
10. Pay off all credit cards, work my little butt off before making any of the trips and eliminate extra costs to save (by far the most challenging on this list)

11. Travel to STL at least twice a month to spend time with my parents

12. Spend at least 1 day a week with my little sister so she knows she can come to me even though she's all grown up and in college now

13. Complete a marathon. Just one, I've never done one and I think it's something I will enjoy

14. Become an official member of my church here, volunteer weekly in the nursery so I can have my baby-fix and share The Crossing with more people I know will love it as much as I do

15. Write a biography for the Iraqi interpreter that protected and worked alongside my dad while he was in Iraq- something which he has been so patiently asking and waiting for me to do since the day I met him

16. Camping Trip with Dad.

Yes, God. I know now. All of these things are precisely why I am not planning a wedding or jumping straight into a job. For I know the plans you have for me, and they are great. Today's devotional from my dad read:

"Keep listening for the “still small voice”

If you are weary on life’s road;

The Lord will make your heart rejoice

If you will let Him take your load."

—Hess

To tune in to God’s voice we must tune out this world’s noise.

--> Um, OK Mr. Jackson. I think I've got my goals set high enough, and I dont' really plan on stopping.

Point (I).

I'm being forced to write. Every now and then, regardless of what I should be doing, I feel the need to just pour my heart out. That I-can't-do-anything-until-this-is-off-my-mind feeling. So I thought I should do that in order to reach graduation :)

I'm a list person, as you can see from my blog, and it's the best way for me to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty sure no one really keeps up with my blog anyway because I'm not faithful to it. I rarely write, and there really hasn't ever been a point to my blog. I might work on that this summer. But either way... I've reached a point. Not sure if it's a breaking point or a growing point or a turning point or a point of any real significance. All I know is tomorrow morning when I wake up things will be different. Maybe no one will notice the changes I'm making but I will, and that is all that matters. Eventually others will see and understand the changes. I've been weighing several things in my mind for weeks, months now. It's time to actively seek change in my life, rather than thinking that things should be different.

Yes I'm graduating. I meant, YES! I'm graduating. This is essentially like a New Year's Day for me. I get one year. I have high expectations for the year, I've been planning this year for a long time. I am convinced I will grow more in the next year than in my entire four years of college, and I am more excited than I probably should be. I'm not saying the growing will be easy. In fact I'm pretty sure the next year will be harder than my high school and college years combined. But I'm ready for the challenge.

So here's what's been on my mind. I'm not addressing or attacking anyone. I'm writing from my heart. I'm pouring out the pain and frustration I've built up. I'm sharing the dreams I've been harboring. I'm letting go of a lot of fear. Because if I don't do any or all of these things, I won't be able to accept any blessings poured on me in the next year, and I won't be able to grow. I want to learn, I want to change and I want to be shaped by my experiences in the next year. May 16 marks a new day. So I'm preparing by clearing out the mess in my heart and my head. This will probably be a series of posts before graduation day, I plan to write more in hopes of creating a reasonable, workable plan for My Year.

Point I: The Pain (the men)

Daddy I love you but when you went to war you scared me. For a year I was terrified, but I had to be strong. I was brought up to love my country, to adore the men who who serve us. But the truth is I've grown more and more to resent our government. To resent the war. To resent the fighting. I was never angry with you. I love you, I am your little girl and will remain your sugar pops forever. I support our troops, I still love my country. But I will never forget that I almost lost you to bombs and gunfire. I will never forget the rainy valentine's day you left me, my body sprawled across the bench seat of your '88 pickup truck crying so hard that I don't know how to cry anymore. People ask me why I never cry, why movies don't make me cry or how I keep my composure in moments that everyone else seems to be falling apart. I don't know how to explain that the pain I felt that day was the worst kind of pain anyone could ever feel. People ask me why I despise Valentine's Day and I can't explain that it marks the worst day in my childhood. And when you came home, well you're not the same anymore. I miss my dad. I still love going home, sitting with you on the deck you built listening to the rain and talking. But I miss my pre-war dad. I miss watching the fireworks with you. I worry about you every single day. I know you're still hurting and I don't know how to help you heal.

1(5)- You left me the day after He left. I don't know why I could never forgive you for that, but I do now. You didn't know how to deal with me or the magnitude of what I faced. You told me I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was scared and wouldn't admit it. I'm sorry for hurting you so much in the end. I never stopped being angry. I begged you to stay with me because you were the only person I had that made me OK with the reality that He was in Iraq. But I survived. I grew. Thank you, for making me realize I could face the fear on my own. I know now, surviving those 13 months, that I didn't need you. And thank you, for being there the day he did leave, for driving His truck home. For telling me I needed to pull myself together, my family needed me. Without you I was able to give all of my attention to them, and they needed me most.

2(7) You were the one I thought I would never get over. You broke me down, left me for Her, and came back crying. You built me up, let me down. Over and over, you still do this. You're like the ocean - always rushing ashore to my rescue at predictable times but receding back slowly so that all of the sudden when I really need you, you're as unreachable as the horizon. You might love me, but you left open wounds and your salt continues to burn. You've been a part of my life for more than 5 years now. I don't know how I feel about that. I just know I can't keep relying on you to make all of the other Not-It-Men not matter. They do matter, you matter. The truth is none of you are the one God has for me and if I don't let go of all of you, that man is never going to be revealed to me.

3(?) - You were my first mistake. The beginning of me giving myself permission to mess up. You were the first man to make me feel like I was just an empty piece of woman. I never forgot that feeling. In fact, now I recognize it instantly. Thanks, I guess. I can't say I've learned to say No to men like you. But I'm trying.

4 (11) - I thought you were it. You were the second man to make me resent the military and the government for ruining such an important man in my life. You love me. I know this. And that's why walking away was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it possible was knowing even you wanted better for me. You made me feel like an absolute idiot. Your lies destroyed my trust in everyone, not just you. I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you. I will love you, regardless. But trying to move on is almost as impossible as it was to stay with you after I found out, and to leave you after I realized what I needed to do. I know I can, soon I hope. But I miss your love, I miss the way I felt when I was with you. No one can make me feel like the princess I was to you, and I long to feel that kind of love again every night. I am absolutely lonely, and it hurts. It's soul-strengthening and destructive all at once.

5 (B4) You flattered me. You were my second mistake. Thank you for restoring my confidence, and then breaking it down again. With you I assumed too quickly I was back on two feet again. I wasn't. In fact I fell down so hard I blacked out. But I'm awake now, I'm getting back on my feet, and I can laugh again from deep down. I can talk to you and see you for who you are. You're not someone I would ever be capable of loving. I am jealous of your life-experience and your knowledge of who you are and where you're from. You moved me to want to know more about myself.

6 (L4) You also flattered me. But you... you preach respect but you're one of the most disrespectful men I know. You don't know true happiness, and I'm not really convinced you know how to love someone without expecting something in return. You use that word carelessly, and far too often. I was weak with you and I deserve(d) the treatment I receive(d) from you in return. But when you do learn to love in an unconditional way, I hope the pain you put upon others who love(d) you in any capacity will enter your heart and you can begin to have real relationships with women (and anyone else for that matter). And I hope your self-confidence is rebuilt in something other than what it stems from now- I know you will be wonderful to someone when this happens. You weren't a mistake. You were a test for me - what's really important to you Jess? Is it having just anyone or is it having someone who truly loves and respects you? You were just anyone to me. You made me feel extraordinary temporarily- anyone can do that.

7 (1) I don't know about you. I don't know if you really belong in this section, and maybe you will move to some other part someday. But here you are. You are wonderful and that's all I can really say right now. I don't think I'm ready for you just yet. Thank you for your patience and for hurting me by insisting I wasn't ready. Thank you for looking out for me, always.

In a recent prayer group, a woman prayed for all of the lonely, broken hearts in the room. The trouble is that I refuse to admit that I have a broken heart and that I'm lonely and most importantly, that I need prayers and I desperately want someone to come along. It has been 5 years since I've had someone to spend my every waking moment with, who I wanted to do this with. Since I've been comfortable in my "couple" status. Each of my three best friends (yes all of them - from 8th grade, high school AND college) are engaged as of the last month. I know that there is a plan, that I couldn't possibly carry out my plans for the next year with a significant other. I know I don't NEED a man. I pray every night for God to fill this emptiness. For Him to please strengthen my will-power, to help me say NO to all of these Not-It men. So part one of my plan - all of the above mentioned are becoming a piece of my past. Starting May 16, I am clearing the way for a new, right man. This means ending the endless rotation of text messages and phone calls to any given one of them at any given moment of loneliness. And honestly, there is no need to wait until May 16. Tomorrow morning, Not-It men are all off my chart.

--> Time to respect myself. To make me a challenge - because any "it" man will work hard to earn my trust and my attention. I might not know much about him other than this, but that is promise enough.

10 Things

I thought putting down what I've learned in the past four years of college about dating might help someone out there who is wondering if she is crazy or cursed or just plain fed up.

So here goes. I can't promise some of these won't be obvious or painful to swallow. I can promise that what I'm about to say comes straight from the heart. It's not in response to a bad breakup or a bad date. I'm not hopelessly in love or excited about anyone at this very moment. I was just talking with a friend and realized that I've learned so much about what I DON'T want. And despite still being absolutely uncertain about who or what I DO want, I feel lucky to know what I know now.

1. First and foremost, I've learned to always turn my phone off after 11 p.m. Why? Anyone calling/texting after that time probably isn't just calling to chat. Once I started this little habit I found that what I missed in the late evening/early morning hours was exactly what I should be missing. Be it an ex or a boy I met earlier in the night at a bar or even someone I was potentially interested in, calls after 11 were never to get to know me better. If they want to get to know me better or if they need to talk about something important, the absolute worst time to do so is between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.. I've never had a worthwhile, rewarding or satisfying exchange with a male during this time over the phone unless it was someone I was serious with. And even then, I need my sleep. Also, it's an excellent practice to strengthen your self-control and to show a man you aren't a go-to girl. If that's what he's looking for, he can go elsewhere for the girls who don't mind running over to his house at 2 a.m. just for sex. Honestly, the guys whose numbers show up on my missed calls when I wake up in the morning and start my day (and usually these numbers are rare to show up during normal daylight hours) are the guys I would rather not spend my days with anyway. I've never been a fan of desperation. For me, late night calls/texts are one thing I've never felt guilty ignoring.

2. Listen to your heart... and by heart I mean stomach. When you get a bad feeling about something, it's probably valid. I've never had a bad feeling about someone for no reason. One thing that makes me angry instantly is when men honestly believe they can lie to me or slip one by. I'm talking no intention of even trying to hide their idiocy. I'll give a perfect example. In one experience, I was told by a two and four-year-old about a huge secret being kept by my then 25-year-old boyfriend. I knew three months prior to the kiddos intervention that something was being kept from me. Did I listen to myself? No. It took the honesty of two little boys to make me believe what I'd known all along about a grown man. Pathetic? Maybe. Telling? Very much so. Case in point: Men will lie, but they suck at it. Therefore there is no reason for women to lie to themselves about this truth. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't let little boys reveal to you the truth about a man, it's much easier to hear it from your own head than precious, unknowing children. Trust me.

3. Don't be ashamed to have list of qualifications. If they don't match what you're looking for, better to know sooner than later. For myself, I want someone with a kind heart, a plan and a passion for life. I want him to indulge in my own energy with me and to move me with his own. I want a man who is confident and respectful. A man who kisses and tells is probably one of the most irritating kind to me. If he wants to share his adoration for me, that's one thing. If he wants to talk about me in a way that he wouldn't talk to my parents or my closest friends he is surely not a keeper. Not to mention he hasn't matured much since the sixth grade.

4. Every day really is a chance to start over. Something that's really helped me cope with awkward encounters and huge mistakes is this: We can't shrink the world down to us, because it's not really about us. Everyone is on a similar journey. People hook up, mess up and dive head first into relationships/situations they never should have. But every moment doesn't have to be dwelling on the past. If you want to start over right this second, go right ahead. We are each exactly where we need to be. Every awful, inappropriate or hilarious thing said to us by guys is one more addition to our knowledge of what we are or aren't seeking. Be grateful for your experiences, and when you know it's time to start a new chapter in your life do it. There are going to be times when you feel like your chapters are only a page long and you're writing a new one each day. That's OK. I've always believed the longer chapters are for later in life anyway, and that the most entertaining and challenging were those that only took up just one page.

5. Never, ever shrink down because of something someone else says to you, male or female, about who you are or what decisions you're making. Nelson Mandela says it perfectly:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

6. When a guy choses some other broad over you, be thankful. I say this sincerely. If he chose her, he didn't appreciate your magnificence. He didn't respect you. He didn't look deep enough into your heart to see what you were willing to offer. And nine times out of ten, he's the sucker that will look back months later and say in one way or another, "Wow, I messed up letting that one get away." Trust me, I've had it happen repeatedly. And each time, after going through the pain of wondering "Why her?" I would smile to myself down the road and think, "I'm so glad I didn't waste my time with that one." Be the girl that walks away with your head held high. No matter the rumors or awful things he might say about you, when you know you're one of a few, surrender. You deserve to be the only one, no matter what his excuses are for keeping his options open. Don't try to get even or get back. In moments when I'm feeling especially angry or hurt, I always remind myself that "The best revenge is a fabulous existence."

7. Patience. It's the most difficult idea, and it's one of the hardest character traits to master. But when it comes to happiness, patience is its counterpart. Patience is essential to happiness. Period.

8. Don't let a man pull you out of your comfort level. Even nine months into a relationship, if he's making you uncomfortable, say it. Be intimate, be adventurous. But above all, be yourself.

9. Foresee a future. Don't excuse a trait or a habit of someone today that you know won't fly down the road. Never count on changing a person. Be open-minded, but don't settle. This is probably the most difficult thing I've learned. I always want to believe I could embrace certain things about guys. The truth is, I don't want to embrace his disgusting, self-destructive, unproductive, pointless or bad habits. I'd rather he want me enough to want better for himself.

10. Know when he sucks. It's really not hard to establish, early on, when a guy isn't for you. The sooner you know, the sooner you can refocus your life on a right path for you. It's funny how long it takes girls sometimes to see flaws. Sure, he might sweep you off your feet and fill the loneliness that's been eating away at your for the past year or so or however long you've been single. But don't try to tuck away all of the horrible, ridiculous habits and characteristics of his that make you cringe when you try to place him somewhere in your future. Don't forget who he was before you saw this dreamy new person all of the sudden; and if you didn't know him before, try to remove the "lala" factor and picture how he would treat you when he wasn't trying. I always think that's the best test of a man. What is he like when you're "not looking." Who is he when you aren't around. Figure that out, and if he's not someone you really find charming in everyday life, find someone that is.

Defining Faith: Paul Tripp Visit

Paul Tripp recently came to The Crossing. He asked, "What is faith?" Someone answers, "It's believing." "What is believing?" "Believing is knowing." "What is knowing?" "Knowing is having faith." In other words, few know what faith means! Myself included, until I heard his sermon. And just because I have a better idea of what genuine faith is, doesn't mean I've learned to be a faithful woman. But I thought his words were worth sharing.

Faith has three components.

1. Faith requires that we must absolutely believe He created everything. He spoke the world into the existence. He created it and it belongs to Him. It is for His purpose. Sometimes we shrink life down to us. What is my purpose in life? It's not about us. It's about His plan for His world.

2. Faith requires that we must believe God is sovereign. We can rest in the amazing reality that our world is not chaotic but under the careful control of God. Is your life a living picture of what it means to believe that God is sovereign? Life is not out of control at all, ever. We might not have a clue what's going on, but it's OK. God does.

3. We must believe that God is our savior. Our problem is us. We need a savior. We can't escape ourselves. When things happen, it's more evidence that we need savior. We need someone who cares about our lostness, someone to "rescue me from me."

The final definition: Faith is something you do with your life. It's a way of living. We ought to ask daily, "Lord won't you fill my heart with faith?"

Hebrews 11:6

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

Perceptions

We routinely disqualify testimony that would plead for extenuation. That is, we are so persuaded of the rightness of our judgment as to invalidate evidence that does not confirm us in it. Nothing that deserves to be called truth could ever be arrived at such means.

-Marilynne Robinson , The Death of Adam

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. It was one of those books I picked up to read at precisely the right time. I couldn't put it down, and when I finished I knew it had changed my perception.

"Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception – what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms – what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn’t make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly. But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than Me."

I've always had a complex with the way I think others perceive me. I've struggled over and over to stop feeling constantly judged by those around me. Moreover, I've always believed in making good impressions and that this is important. As a result, I often find myself anxious, uncomfortable, nervous, awkward ... you name it.

"I give you an ability to respond and your response is to be free to love and serve in every situation, and therefore each moment is different and unique and wonderful.

"It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to deep questions of the heart and they will never love you."

It wasn't until after reading this book that I was sitting alone thinking about what I'd just read that I just started laughing at the absurdity of how I act. It's like this: my entire life I've had the mentality that other people's opinions of me actually matter. That in and of itself is laughable. And because I perceive how they think about me positively or negatively, it changes the way that I act and relate with them. This has kept me from being a loving, enjoyable person to be with. My response to others is pretty simple really. I can either love them, embrace them or I can serve them. If I'm doing one of those two things, I won't ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable or unsure of how they think of me. In light of the past few weeks and some horribly awkared encounters ... this just made me rethink my responses.

"So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around … living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing it’s ability to fly. Not something I want for you … pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly … and if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

One of my resolutions this year was to smile more. It's truly amazing how smiling changes relationships. I'm not talking romantic relationships. Just people relationships. One friendly smile from an old friend brightened my entire Thursday this week. It's boggling. I realized that if I just started believing that people might actually like me, love me or quite possibly have no opinion of me whatsoever, that I would respond to them in a way that produced positive love both from myself and them. It's not an easy thing to do. To change the way you think about others. To change what you believe and how you feel because you believe certain people think certain things. But I've been making a conscious effort to just love the people I encounter daily, in an honest and real way.

"So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing."

One of the main themes of the books was that people ought to love the way God loves. It says God is "especially fond" of each of his children. And like God, we should love in that unconditional, non-judgmental and self-sacrificing way.

"If anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.

Tucking It Away

I have this picture in my kitchen, with a black and white little doll couple and a saying that reads: "Write down your dream and tuck it away. Entrusting that all things will come at the right time." As I was making my grilled cheese sandwich, following my 2 mile run today, I realized this message has been pounded into my head these past few weeks. Over and over and over again. So I wanted to write. It's one of the many things I've stopped doing in the past year or so, and it's a release. And God knows I need to release. I can't breathe. I haven't been able to breathe for a while. I've blamed it on the mounting stress in my classes. I've blamed it on boys. I've blamed it on my mom being sick. I've blamed it on graduating in six months. I think those things haven't helped. But I think God has been trying to get me to pay attention. Actually I know he has.

I think my pastor put it perfectly for me last week at church. He said, "Who sets the agenda in your life?" And he went on to tell the story of Jonah and gave the example of being tugged and beat to the bottom of the ocean and being able to do nothing about it until the ocean finally threw him on the shore. Message of the sermon: If your life is like this, if the same things keep happening, if you feel broken and beaten to the bottom of the ocean floor, you're not letting God handle your agenda. Message to me: You just got vomited onto the beach. Take a few minutes to gather yourself, get up and walk in new direction. And this time, put yourself in the passenger seat and let God drive you in the right direction.

Yes, I can see the reckless patterns in my life. I'm trying to find him, whoever he is. Obviously, I'm not doing a good job. And honestly, I don't want to pick him anymore. I want God to pick him. I want who God wants for me.

So I'm going to write down my dream. And it will be tucked away here, and hopefully in the coming years I'll remember to read back to this and my dream will be reality. I can at least aspire to and pray for that.

I hope that one day I will be doing something every day that helps others who can't help themselves. Whether it's being a journalist who writes about the injustices in the world, a lawyer who defends justice or some higher calling that God has in store for me. Whatever it is, I hope that my career will be one that gives my life a purpose every single day, gives me joy and brings joy to as many other people as possible. I don't hope to save the world, but I want to better my small part of the world. I want to leave my small footprints wherever I end up.

I hope that one day I will be a wife to a man who loves me unconditionally. Who can't look at me without having to catch his breath. Who doesn't take me for granted. Who loves to love, me. I hope that he will think of me in every aspect, in every decision of his life. I hope that he will allow me to love him with the massive amount of love that I have to offer to the right man. I hope that he understands my quick temper, my big dreams and my inability to always show the affection I have for him outwardly every day. I hope that he will share my similar dreams of doing good in the world. I hope that he will be excited and passionate about being in my family. I pray, too that his family will embrace and love me. I hope that he will never make me second-guess myself. That he won't make me feel stupid or less than beautiful. I pray that he will be a Christian man. I hope that we will have met in the right way, that we didn't move too quickly or anxiously. And I hope that we will both just know, that there will be no games or uncertainty at any point in our meeting and marriage. Finally, I hope that he is healthy and that we will live a long and happy life with one another.

I hope that I will be a mother. That I will be able to have beautiful children who will grow up happy and healthy.

I hope that I will have reason to smile every day.

I pray that all of my wonderful friends will still be in my life in one way or another. I pray that they, too, will be living out their dreams. And I hope that we will still make time for one another as often as possible.

I hope that I will live in a warm, beautiful and inviting home.

I hope that I will remember now, and all times in which I have been completely humiliated to the point where I can't bring myself to look at myself, and I will know that even in those times I was ultimately one of the luckiest human beings in the world.

I hope that I will have learned how to forgive myself. That I will be disciplined and devoted.

I hope that I will thank God every day for bringing me to that point. And that I will have enjoyed every day between now and when all of this comes true.

Distance

"There's a point in your life when you know who stays forever, and who's just around for awhile. People change. But so do you, sometimes for the best & sometimes for the worse. Bad things happen to everyone. You're not in it alone. People lie, and some people just don't care how you feel. Your heart beats no matter how much pain you're in. Everything will be okay...eventually. There are always those people in your life that will make your day.... no matter the miles. I know all about distance, I've been dealing with it all my life. So don't tell me that it's easy. Because it's not. But it is worth it, I'd rather stay in touch with people I love, then to just drop it and forget about it. You don't forget about the ones you love. It doesn't work like that. Give it all you got, and live your life to the fullest. People would kill to be you, to have what you have... someone always has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean your pain doesn't count."

- I'm not sure who wrote this, but it is a very accurate and beautifully put description of my life as it has been these past few years. If I had to say the hardest lesson that I've had to learn, it is that some people just don't care about me or other people's feelings in general. While I like to believe the best in everyone, lying is second nature to some. And to stop caring, for them, isn't difficult because in truth they never really cared to begin with about anyone besides themselves. I'd like to think it was as simple for me to just drop and forget about people. People who I shared rooms, lockers, bathrooms, tears, laughs, hugs, hours of discussion and dreams for the future with. But I don't forget people. And if you think you can, you are mistaken. Your past is who you are, it will come back full circle. Just wait.

Despite all of that, the nasty ex-boyfriend or the friends who treated me worse than the nasty ex-boyfriend, I have a handful of people who make my day, every day. I've been dealing with distance since I was young. My grandparents and immediate family have never lived in the same state as me. I've learned over the years how to handle distance. And besides the girls I work with, my three best friends all live 200 miles away and Ben over 1000. My relationships certainly wouldn't have survived these past two years, had I not known how to deal with the miles between. I've never said it was easy, but it's definitely been worth it.

Quarter Life Crisis

My friend Jen found this and I thought I would spread the comfort of it's message! I know my best girlfriends and myself are all experiencing what it describes on some level.

They call it the “quarter-life crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean, or insincere, but that they are just as confused as you. You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because you suddenly realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past for dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future, and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. And really, this is an acknowledment that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS…..

My Best Friend

So I've broken some of my rules, but for the most part my quest for stability and answers is coming along. Not fast, but coming. I've been working a lot these past few days, and despite the numerous forced conversations with customers (I'm a server), I have had a great deal of time to start thinking about which mess to tackle first. I made a list of them (I'm a list girl), in no particular order. But I found that the first one on the list was the one that has been most mind-consuming since I can remember. So here goes.

From my first "best friend", Jenna, in preschool I have always struggled to grasp the concept of friendship and how exactly to be a good friend. I don't remember every detail of my friendship with Jenna, all I know is that I loved going to her house, playing dress up and placing fake McDonald's orders in her basement. We were inseparable. Then Jenna's parents got divorced, she moved out of Missouri and I had lost my first "best friend". Then I started school, I had two "best friends" in grade school - Carly and Diana - and all I can remember of them is sitting on the bench at our elementary school and talking the entire lengthof our recess. Then there was Stacy and Jesse in the 3rd grade, Anne in 4th, a group of clicky girls in 5th, and then my middle school crew of girls (Kristi, Stacy, Casey and myself) who went to Florida with me in 8th grade and spent a week with my grandparents. In highschool I was a drifter, and I can honestly say the longest "best friend" I've had, Casey, stayed my best friend throughout. In all cases, I admit I'm guilty of saying "BFF" - we'll never lose one another. Inevitably we did. With the exception of Casey, I've grown in and out of friends over and over again.

My freshman year of college, again I found myself another group of four. And a random roommate, who at the time was my counterpart. It seemed as though I never knew a "best friend" until meeting her. I can't exactly pin-point why, but she was a very special person to me and weighed heavily in my debate on whether or not to take the leap I had been throwing back and forth to transfer from my small private college to a huge state university. Despite the good company, I wasn't happy with the school I was at and I was hungry for change. At the same time, terrified to lose my then best friend and the comfort of home. I opted for change, with the stipulation that I wouldn't lose touch with my best friend and would come home often to visit the family. And for the first year, I was shocked at how well everything seemed to work out!

I guess here is where I should pause and explain why the "best friends" in my life and the type of friend that I am have been tossed into my "mess" pile. I have never felt worthy of being labeled a "best friend". I've never felt that I could truly be a best friend to someone, not because I didn't want to but because I honestly don't believe I am capable of that high-calling. First of all, I always want everyone to be included, feel loved and accepted by me. And I've always felt like with the notion of the "best friend" someone is always at the mercy of being left out. If you're not my "best friend", I don't mean as much to you as that person. It's difficult to put into words, but basically, I've always felt guilty naming a best friend and being named one. It doesn't really fit with how I view people and how human love should operate. Secondly, I can't keep secrets. This is a truth about myself that I've recently come to and while I can openly admit this, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is right or a good characteristic or wrong and makes me a horrible person. It's just the truth about me. In fact, I often wish I could go back in time and warn my old "best friends" against telling me anything potentially secretive. I've always been someone that people will talk to, but the second someone tells me something followed by "now don't tell anybody this" something inside me suddenly starts burning to tell. I can only offer one explanation for this - and it's that typically secrets are the information I really didn't want to know. It's like here - let me get this off my chest and bear what's troubling you, for you, and not help you find any sort of a solution. It's the information that makes me angry or concerned. And when I have a piece of information like that burning within, well I want to share. I want to get a second opinion. I want to know why it's bothering me so much. I want to help. And I think this is why I've never been able to have a "best friend". It's a difficult realization to come to, but in my thinking and reflecting, I can tell you that it's about time I admitted it. And I guess with me, well I don't tell anyone anything that anyone else can't know. I don't have deep dark secrets. I've always laid my life right out there for everyone to know. My faults, my feelings, my successes and my failures. So when people find out things about me, I'm not looking for the person who told them usually. My life is what it is. With that being said, I realize that not everyone has this mindset and therefore I have lost a great deal of "best friends" to my inability to keep a secret.

Now, here lies another difference between myself and those who have come to disown me as a "best friend": I don't define trust by a person's ability to keep a secret. Let me explain. Trust, to me, is knowing someone will be there regardless of your faults. It's more strongly tied to confidence than it is to secrets or confidentiality. The people I trust, are the people who have proven over and over that they will be there. They tell me when I upset them, they tell me when they think I've done something wrong, and they are always, immovably right there. I trust those people. And the people who trust me, trust me because I am there, physically and emotionally to support them and love them no matter what. I don't want to be trusted because I can keep my mouth shut, I want to be trusted because I love you and because you know that you can always count on me. And by count on me, I mean count on me to be dead honest with you and to share my life, time, and heart with you. I honestly don't trust the people who keep secrets or want me to keep their secrets for them. And for this reason, I have had much difficulty finding or even desiring to have a "best friend".

I think that the people who I now consider (but don't necessarily label) my best friends are those people I described above. I will forever cherish the "best friends" that I've lost touch with or who have come to dislike me for being the person that I've always been. I will always want to be on better terms than I am with these people, but what I've come to realize is that no apology or attempt to right things will actually win back my old "best friends". Because the truth about them is that they've realized the truth about me, and they don't like it. There is not a thing in the world I can do about that, besides apologize for trying to live up to their standards of a best friend (standards which differ from the type of best friends I want and want to be).

So, have I found an answer to the troubled heart I've had over lost best friends? Yes. I do have friends now who I trust and love to be with. I think my honesty with them, my forewarning to them, has brought me to be a better friend and also to seek out people who actually have the desire to be a friend to me. I don't think everyone really wants to invest the time it takes to be a true friend, and as I work on being there for my friends, I've found that I now have friends who reciprocate this rather than accept it and hoard it.

Further, my true best friend is me. As I was reading Eat.Pray.Love. today, I remembered that all old and new "besties" aside, I have always had and will always have me. "Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, your recognized yourself as a friend." I have not been the best friend to my "best friends" my entire life. But I have been there, for a number of friends, in a number of places, throughout. In all instances, even if my sole purpose was to be there and support someone through a bad break-up, a death, or just a bad day, I'm thankful for the experience and the opportunity to share my love with all of my former (and current) "best friends".

So rather than continue to worry and feel guilty about old friends who no longer worry about me, I'm sorting this "mess" out by reminding myself that I am very capable of being a best friend. To myself. And as my own best friend, I'm saying that I'm okay, that I am not all that bad of a friend, and that I'm capable of being a good friend to those who have stuck with me (thank you Casey, Stacey, Jas, mom and Susie) and those who currently provide me with daily joy and much needed good company (my SB's). As my own best friend, I am telling myself to accept the past, and to stop worrying about the type of friend my friends-no-longer think I am or am not.

Lonely...Well Almost Lonely

The past 24 hours (not even) have been difficult. I forgot what it's like to be alone, to feel like no one needs me and to have no reason to call anyone. I was brought back to that inner voice telling me, you can do this. Don't call, don't cry. You can do this. It's been a long time since I had to force myself to do something. It's not that I don't want to do this, because I do. It's just, unsurprisingly, very trying.

I have been following the rules I've set for myself, and last night after work I came straight home to tackle one of the first things on my list of messes - no sleep! I read more of Eat.Pray.Love, prayed and then snuggled into bed at about 11:30, not getting out of bed again until 8:00 this morning. Two things happened in my first night of good rest in a long time. First, at about 12:30 I woke up suddenly feeling like someone was right over me at my bedside. Typically I would be scared out of mind, and I was scared for a 1/2 second. My room was pitch black, and I just closed my eyes and slowly opened them again. I couldn't see anything, and instead of jumping out of bed to flip on the light, I closed my eyes again and just laid there. I'm pretty sure that God was there in my room last night. Not in a creepy, ghost, spirit type of way. But just there, letting me know He was right there as I had asked him to be in my prayer shortly before I closed my eyes. I specifically prayed for what Elizabeth Gilbert prays for in her book - I told God I want a lasting relationship with Him, that I want to have a conversation with him every day, that I want to have PLEASURE and DEVOTION, and that I want him to be with me in these days of solitude that I've demanded for myself. And so there He was. I can honestly say that was the best night of sleep I've had in a very, very long time.

The second thing that happened was that my phone rang about 1:45 in the morning, and while one of the rules I have set for myself is to stay off the phone, there are exceptions to every rule. And one promise I've made to a good friend of mine is that I will be there just to be there and to listen. And I did. And my heart literally hurts for her. When you've hurt like that, at least what I can relate to and my experience of hurting and crying and longing, there's no solution other than to hurt. And as a friend, all you can really do is listen. But it makes you feel helpless, and it makes you hurt too. After getting off the phone with her, I prayed one more time, for her this time, and went back to sleep.

And today I am working on my second mess: school. I said I was going to tackle the small things first. So top on the list were sleep, school and exercise. So I will be reading the rest of the day until work. I'm starting to think this could be a really long process. But I'm already feeling like I'm on the road to the confidence and some answers. No, they were not handed to me in a day. But I think I can do this.

Solitude

I just began reading Eat.Pray.Love. last night while I was in Hermann at Ben's dad's house. After spending a relaxing day with my best friend and Ben's family, I was feeling quite perturbed about a number of things despite the calm nature of the day and some much needed girl talk. Within the first few pages of the book, I realized exactly what I needed - a moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. And by a moment I don't mean a few seconds or a few minutes or even a few hours. I need some time. Some time to detox, regroup, forgive, and enjoy. I need a day without the internet, without my phone, without questions, without worry. Without a family who cares, friends who care, a boyfriend who cares, strangers who care, enemies who care. Or maybe 5 days, or maybe more. I stumbled across a question yesterday, "do you ever play hookie from life?" I answered "occassionally". But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "No. No I don't. No I have never done that." I haven't. Okay maybe Vegas was an exception. But that is the only time I think I can say I skipped out on the everyday worries and happenings of my life. I'm tired. And confused, and angry. I make it through right now because I have loving girls around me who make it all disappear momentarily. But then I come home, or answer the phone, or look at words and bills screaming in my face and I get so caught up and smothered by everything. There are a number of reasons for the anxiety and confusion I feel right now, but before I start writing about all of those reasons (if I ever choose to do so), I am going to play hookie. I am going to spend some serious time with myself. I was advised to do this by my boss and I've yet to actually listen to his advice. But I think I need to first, stop the flow of opinion from everyone around me all together. Then, slowly begin to sort out the mess of things going on in my life, starting with the small messes and working my way up. And then, when I'm ready, to determine what I want to do and change in my life in order to gain back the control I once had. All I keep thinking is how to go about this without pissing everyone off. But at this point, I know I need to do it for me. There just never seems like an appropriate time. But the longer I wait, the more messy everything is becoming. So it's time. I am going to force myself to be with myself, and to be ok with it. And I figure, if I have to be alone, I can at least start the blog I've been wanting to start and write about my thoughts as I take this break. I am banning myself from all other forms of communication, in hopes of reopening the communication between my own mind and thoughts and also God and I.

If you pray, please pray that I find some answers. And if not, please grant me this time I need for myself. Love.