Happy Mother's Day

Kind of strange because I actually have friends who are first time moms this year :) Crazy but wonderful... made the day take on new meaning. I took my mom to P.F. Changs on Friday when I was in town and we went shopping. I love my mom, she's become a much more recognized blessing in my life this year.

A few months ago my partner on the Innocence Project and I were in southeast MO investigating our case and she turned to me and asked, "You know what's crazy? If this girl's mom had just went looking for her we wouldn't be here 20 years later on her murder trail trying to determine what happened to her that night." I started thinking about all of the times I resented my mom for calling and checking on me or making me come home on prom night instead of going to the after party or having to see a persons parents home before I was allowed to stay at their house. I hated her for that - briefly. I remember calling her when I got home from my trip and just saying sorry and telling her how much I appreciated her protection. I know not everyone has a mom who puts their kids before everything, including themselves. And watching my younger siblings resent her the same way I did is really hard. I can't say I don't still take her for granted at times but I do know now that I let her know as much as possible how much I appreciate her. When you have a good mom, every day should be like mother's day. I think about being a mom and it terrifies me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love my children they way my mom loved my brother and sister and I. I can aspire to it, but I don't know how capable I feel of doing it. I've got a while before that's even an issue I suppose :)

Anyway I am working a double and don't have much time but wanted to put my GiST list up. I know I'm studying right after work tonight until I take my final Tuesday at 10:30.

GiST 4:365

1. My mom: in all of her overreacting, overprotective sometimes crazy ways. She is by far the greatest blessing I've had since I was traveling with her in her womb.

2. A little girl named Isadora (note to self that I LOVE that name!) at my table today who blew me kisses to apologize after swatting my hand away when I tried to pick up her bowl of ice cream that she wasn't finished with yet :)

3. Rachel and my cousin Chrissy - two of the moms that have made this day take on a brand new, wonderful meaning

4. This weekend: I got to see friends and family and still work enough to pay the bills! It was a perfect weekend and a great precursor to how my life is going to be post-graduation!

5. All of my relatives coming to watch me graduate, esp my Aunt Susan. I'm really excited to see her and show her where I live and why I love it so much :)

Credit Card Note

Tonight at work I picked up a book off of a table to find the following:

A signed mastercard slip with a $20 tip on on a $40 bill that was signed with this message on the bottom: 2nd class job, you could do much better.

At first, I was like oh crap, what did I do wrong? I couldn't stop thinking about it for the entire night. The table was in a hurry, I got their food to them really quickly because they needed to be somewhere and I laughed with them and was perfectly friendly. My friend goes: Jess... they weren't saying you did a second class job. They were saying serving is a second class job, you are capable of having a much better job.

Oh.

Maybe, I thought. But I love my job. Not as a life endeavor, but I enjoy the people I enjoy serving and it's good money. It was almost more offensive that this man thought I was settling to be a server for my life and that he looked down so much on a profession that is nothing to be ashamed of. Either way, I appreciated the jolt in my evening this man caused. It made me feel great to know someone thought I had potential, even if he was an arrogant asshole.

I had the best time I've had in a long time last night with Jen. It was perfect. Lots of dancing, laughing and just enjoying her. I'm so glad I decided to go home.

I also got to see both Casey and Stacey's new homes :) I am so happy for both of them, they both have so many exciting things going for them and I thought I would be envious, but really I'm just happy I get to be excited for/with them. They both deserve the happiness they have and I couldn't be more blessed to watch them have so many blessings unfolding in their lives :)

GiSt 3:365:

1. The note from my customer

2. Lunch with dad on the porch today: still worried about him but it was very good to see him

3. The entertaining night last night: too much to put in detail on here but it was all around a successful night!

4. The beautiful drive back from StL to CoMo today, I love when I can drive with the windows down

5. My bed and fleece cover right now. I'm so comfortable.

Oh and I bought my grad dress and shoes (pics). L.o.v.e.

Rain

I fell asleep and woke up to the rain, thunder and lightening. I used to be terrified of storms and especially despise the rain on days when I had to be on campus all day long. I've really enjoyed it lately though: the smell, the peace and the fact that I will turn off every noise-maker I have and just rest when it rains. Anyway, I'm headed home to see my mom for mother's day.

GiST 2:365

1. Rain

2. The rest I had last night after two very long days

3. The time off I was given today and tomorrow so I could see my family that I've been missing so much

4. Talking to my best friend Stacey last night for a while: we don't get to talk a lot or very often but I love catching up with her and laughing about some of the things that happen in our lives. She is such a good friend to have :)

5. The perfect amount of time I have to prep for my final now that I've completed my projects.

Have a happy Friday :)

Midwestern Innocence Project

I get a lot of questions about what I've been working on and what I'm doing after graduation. The following is a reflection piece I wrote about my work on the Project this semester. I could talk about wrongful convictions for hours on end, especially the case I'm working on, so if you're ever wondering feel free to ask. Anyway this explains what I've been doing, why and where I'm headed :)

Midwestern Innocence Project Experience

One of my most valuable experiences at the Missouri School of Journalism has been in my work with Professor Steve Weinberg and the Midwestern Innocence Project. I have learned, and continue to learn, about the many problems with our criminal justice system. More importantly, I’ve learned how to confront those problems as a journalist and investigator in an immediate, purposeful way. The Midwestern Innocence Project, in combination with the knowledge I gained in Professor Weinberg’s Intermediate Writing course, has provided me with the power and means to work with a UMKC law student on an actual innocence claim. I started work on this case in January 2009, and have spent much of my final semester of college traveling to southern Missouri to conduct numerous interviews as well as reading and organizing nearly fifteen boxes of paperwork on the case. Although I have enjoyed many story assignments I’ve been given in the journalism school, this experience has allowed me to use and strengthen my skills as a reporter and writer, and created a path for my future that I am equally passionate about and confident in pursuing.

In sum, the Midwestern Innocence Project, specifically the case that I have worked so diligently on with my partner, has taught me to be a more daring journalist. It has taught me to care more, ask both simple and complex questions and to be outraged by my findings when necessary. The case I’m working on involves a man who was co-convicted of murdering a 15-year-old girl. There is no physical evidence or DNA connecting our client to the murder. The entire case was built according to a single witness testimony that was later inflated by several people who received deals in return for statements. Our client has been in prison since 1997 for a murder I am 90 percent sure he did not commit, and my certainty increases daily.

I learned to care when I discovered the sheer magnitude of wrongful conviction cases. This was primarily in Professor Weinberg’s class, where I began and continue to pursue a profile of one of the attorneys on the board of directors at the Midwestern Innocence Project. I quickly learned how busy she was, and I committed at the point to volunteer in some way with the project in hopes of lightening the work load and to connect with the person I wanted to profile. My mind wouldn’t rest with the new knowledge that innocent people were trapped in prisons all over the country. At first, I didn’t know how much time I would be able to devote. Now I give as much of my free time as possible to the case. I find myself constantly talking about wrongful convictions, and I’m encouraged because so often the people I talk react in shock, as I did, prior to being introduced to the world of wrongful convictions.

I learned to ask a variety of questions in the interviews I’ve conducted on this case. So many professors preach that you have to ask the easy questions in order to ask the more difficult ones. I’ve learned that you have to ask both kinds of questions not because one yields the other, but because they both generate extremely valuable information. I think the best example of this in an interview I recently conducted with one of the prosecuting attorneys in our client’s case. In the very beginning of the interview I noticed a large black briefcase sitting next to my chair. Of course I began the interview by explaining who I was and a little bit about the Innocence Project, but some of my first questions were about his confidence in the use of a “Voice Stress Analyzer Test” he used in the mid-90s. He responded that he thought it was credible and that it was proven in most cases to be consistent with polygraph tests (which are also completely fallible). As he was answering I looked down at the briefcase and asked what I thought was a filler question: “Would this happen to be one of the voice-stress test machines?” It was. At that point, I didn’t necessarily find this valuable information. However, I continued to press him about the device, got to see it first hand and discovered that somehow he is still using this faulty equipment. This is when I learned that it is OK to be outraged.

When I say I learned to be outraged, I don’t mean I learned to scream or lash out at people. I’m a relatively controlled person. What I mean is that the feeling of utter frustration I experienced in the above interview has led me to speak out about the ignorance and arrogance of many people in the criminal justice system. I learned to push through the fear of the uniform and the business suit and question people until they provide a legitimate answer to the question I’m asking. In this case, my partner and I discovered the two questions people wouldn’t answer right away: What makes you believe he is guilty when the physical evidence does not match and how do you explain the lack of DNA evidence? The most common response from jurors, attorneys and law enforcement alike: “He just looked guilty.” Outrageous. And the very reason I am continuing work on this case following my graduation in May. I know now that I want to pursue a career in the criminal justice system. I’m still in the process of deciding if I want to do this as a journalist, a lawyer or in some other way. However I choose to go about it, my experience with the Midwestern Innocence Project has put me in the field and given me a memorable, real-world encounter with the injustices in our justice system.

A Piece of My Running Quote File

"The years teach much which the days never know."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."

-Gloria Steinem

“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

-Andy Warhol

"We might not understand something while it's happening to us. But if we take one stitch out of the blanket, the whole quilt would fall apart. I wouldn't change anything, even the stuff that was painful or things I didn't understand, because it might have been the one stitch that held everything together."

-Rachel Ray

"None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free."

-Pearl S. Buck

"Success: To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

-Bessie Stanley

"Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In ll the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can."

-John Wesley

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”

-Audrey Hepburn

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

-Tom Robbins (Still Life With Woodpecker)

"The meaning of good and bad, of better and worse, is simply helping or hurting."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"To be aware of a single shortcoming in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else." -Dalai Lama

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." 4-year-old Billy.

"Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world." -Jane Addams

"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker

"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." -Eric Hoffer.

"The best thermometer of your spiritual temperature is the intensity of your prayer." —Spurgeon

"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." -Chinese Proverb.

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next. Skill is knowing how to do it. Virtue is doing it." -David Starr Jordan.

"Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance." -Tagore.

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton.

"You cannot not communicate."

-Paul Watzlawick

"The best part about playing the piano is that you don’t have to lug around a saxophone."

-Gerry Mulligan

"To live each day as if it were your last, you would be trying to remedy all the mistakes you had made, all the regrets, all the things unsaid. If you live each day as if it were your first, you are freed from all obligations, all guilt, all regret."

-unknown

The highest form of prayer comes from the depths of a humble heart.

-unkown

God can turn any difficulty into an opportunity.

-unknown

But most important, it (humility) requires knowing who God is—holding Him in highest esteem and trusting Him for His best in His time. — Albert Lee

Happiness keeps you sweet,

Trials keep you strong,

Sorrows keep you human,

Failures keep you humble,

Success keeps you glowing,

But Only God Keeps You Going

One small step of obedience is a giant step to blessing.

The name Christian means an “adherent to Christ”—literally, one who “sticks” to Christ. Today many people call themselves Christians. But should they?

God’s unseen presence comforts me,

I know He’s always near;

And when life’s storms besiege my soul,

He says, “My child, I’m here.” —D. De Haan

Jesus rarely comes where we expect Him; He appears where we least expect Him, and always in the most illogical situations.

-Oswald Chambers

I wonder what I did for God today:

How many times did I once pause and pray?

But I must find and serve Him in these ways,

For life is made of ordinary days. —Macbeth

Whatever task you find to do,

Regardless if it’s big or small,

Perform it well, with all your might,

Because there’s One who sees it all. —Sper

One measure of our likeness to Christ is our sensitivity to the suffering of others.

If God has given you some special work to do that frightens you, it’s your responsibility to jump at it. It’s up to the Lord to see you through. As you faithfully do your part, He will do His part. — Richard De Haan

Old Blogs: Annoyed by an Obituary

May 12, 2008

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."

Ok, so as aspiring journalists one of the suggestions we are given at the j-school is to "blog". They say it gets us to write about anything and everything, and helps us become better writers. I've been meaning to do so all semester, and tonight I decided that I really should just do it. I love to write so why not? And who really reads these things anyway? Probably just me. Anyway, I figured one way to go about this would be to explain the quotes that I am drawn to daily and how they happen to define my life as it is usually. I am a quote freak - I'm aware. But I love when someone else perfectly captures my feelings. Plus, I find other people love reading them and often thank me for throwing them out there.

So today I woke up suprisingly calm, turned in my term paper and a take-home final and studied my little butt off for about 3 hours. Then started to stress - this is typically how my days go. I got to the Missourian (the newspaper/magazine I write for) at 3 and of all days they decided to actually give me something to do - an obituary for someone with the last name Smith. Now there are two reasons why I was stressed by this:

1. I have two finals tomorrow I was trying to study for and I needed to get out of there early to go to the review sessions

2. When you write an obituary, you're supposed to contact family members and try to make it a "life story" rather than a short little blurb. Well let's just say looking up Smith in the phonebook and trying to contact an 83 year old persons relatives is not exactly going to happen.

It's not that I mind writing obituaries - I actually enjoy it because I think they can be incredibly meaningful to families and sometimes you can write about an amazing person. But today was just not the day. It ended up turning out fine, I made a few calls - no luck but the editor said don't worry about making it a life story. I wrote the boring one and got on with my studying.

So what am I getting at? Anger/frustration gets you nowhere. It seems obvious but the way I felt for 15 minutes - the stress that mounted all over an obituary that ended up taking 20 minutes out of my day - well it wasn't really worth it! I thought about it and all I could think was that I ended up making it to my review sessions, I feel prepared for my finals, and I took 20 minutes out of my day to acknowledge the life of someone who's no longer here.

I don't know - I've been pretty consumed lately by some things that make me angry. Mainly with people who have abandoned me in the one and only time I can think of that I actually really needed people to lean on. I've realized quickly that as my life has become so filled with people, I've let some slip away. I guess I just never thought friendship should be work. It should be understood and mutual. And then again - I just think some people never genuinely cared about me. Forgiveness has never been a struggle for me - I don't know if it's just the way I was brought up or what but I don't hold grudges, I don't let little things build to the point to ruin a relationship, and I don't ever give up on people. But I find myself hurt often by people who don't realize how much they mean to me and who give up on me the instant my life changes or progresses. I can't say I'm suprised, but for some reason I am still affected by something so completely out of my control. So I continue to pray, and to forgive. What more is a girl to do? I just hope that I never turn into a person who forgets how to forgive. I never want to be the reason someone feels the loneliness I've been fighting in the past few months.

I can't say I won't be frazzled by another story thrown at me in the newsroom. I can say, however that I'm learning to love every minute of my life. And I am suprised and amazed at every turn. Despite the loss that I'm feeling, I can't describe how very happy I am right now. And I think that I am growing - and that when I look back, I will have gained much more than I have lost.

"for everything you have missed, you have gained something else"

-ralph waldo emerson

Old Blogs: The Friday Night Knitting Club

The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs (***)

If I had to summarize what the main lesson of this novel is, it would go something like this: Sometimes, you aren't strong because you want to be or because your are naturally endowed to be a tough skinned, dry-eyed individual who can handle anything. Sometimes, you're strong because you aren't given a choice. This book teaches strength in a number of relationships (mother/daughter, woman/woman, husband/wife, elder/younger), and reminded me of my mom's lesson to me while my dad was in Iraq. She always used to tell me - "I wasn't given a choice here. Dad made this choice. I get by and make it through the days because I have to. Not because I'm strong or because I don't have feelings, but because I have to. For him, for myself, and mostly for you kids." I'll never forget her saying that. When people asked her how she did it, she said "Well what else am I supposed to do? I don't have a lot of options here." And that's exactly the lesson the main character - Georgia Walker - teaches in this book. The lessons learned from her - and the directions for knitting that are two-fold...making one want to learn to knit ASAP and that equally apply to life - are applicable in a countless number of situations.

From the Instructions:

"The Gathering: Choosing your wool is dizzying with potential: The waves of colors and textures tempt with visions of a sweater or cap (and all the accompanying compliments you hope to receive) but don't reveal the hard work required to get there. Patience and attention to detail make all the difference. Also willingness. Challenge keeps it interesting, but don't select a pattern that is too far beyond you. Always select the best yarn you can afford. And use the type of needles that feels best in your hand..."

"Casting On: The only way to get going is to just grasp that yarn between your fingers and twist. Just start. It's the same with life. Of course, every beginning won't be the same: There are dozens of ways to cast on and they vary based on skill or design or even just relying on the tried and true. My point: Sometimes what works for one piece isn't the right way next time. You have to experiment and see what works. But there's a similartiy no matter the method: you either try or you don't."

"Doing the Gauge: Take measure of yourself against the expectation (Otherwise what you make just won't fit!)"

"Knit and Purl: Knit is what you show the world; purl is the soft, bubbly underside you keep close to the skin."

"Ripping It Out: All you have to do is forgive."

"Starting Again: No, there's a secret hope that makes you hold on, to dream that you'll get it right someday, that you'll go back and take it up again and it will finally come out right. That this time all the pieces will fit. The mistake is waiting until you feel renewed enough to give it another try. You simply have to pick up the needles and keep at it anyway."

"Binding Off: You can't keep your garment on needles forever; eventually it's going to have to exist on its own, supporting itself."

"Sewing It All Together: It's always easier to knit a sweater in sections: the front, the back, the sleeves. The benefit is that if one section is frustrating you, it can be put aside and you can move on to something else until you're ready to finish. that's not the same as giving up: that's being smart...Sometimes you just want to gaze on things awhile, to keep them fresh and perfect as long as you can."

"Wearing What You've Made: But just put it on anyway; celebrate your hard work and your talent. And your love. Why else would we create? Especially in a world that doesn't need homemade anything. That's when we need homemade everything. It never matters if things don't end up just the way you planned. Every moment is a work in progress; every stitch is one stitch closer. There may be worse, but there is always better. When you wear something you've made with your own hands, you surround yourself with love, and all the love that came before you . The real achievement, you see, is being proud of what you've made. I know that I am."

Other Quotes that spoke directly to me:

"Honey, being a woman is all about being sore. Get used to it."

"Love, Lucie had learned over the years, can smother you."

" It is a beautiful gift, thought Anita, to have your mother be your very dearest and best friend. It is quite another to try to be hers. Then you'd have to actaully get to know her. As a real person."

"Sometimes God answers a prayer you didn't know you had."

"We all find ourselves in places we don't expect, Cat. Situations that seem out of our control," she said. "The challenge is making our way out of them."

"Be your own saftey and security! Every woman should have credit in her own name."

"And failure, if you want to know, Dakota, is just another opportunity to try again."

"Stress is not about the situation my dear, it's about the person. There's some who can handle it and there's some who can't."

"Though the old woman was pleased, having learned through the years that a true friendship never really ended. It could always come round again."

"We don't always get what we deserve. Sometimes we get more; sometimes we get less. At least we get something."

"The things is," Anita began quietly, "that when you're young, you always think you'll meet all sorts of wonderful people, that drifting apart and losing friends is natural. You don't worry, at first, about the friends you leave behind. But as you get older, it gets harder to build friendships. Too many defenses, too little opportunity. You get busy. And by the time you realize that you've lost the dearest best friend you've ever had, years have gone by and you're mature enough to be embarrased by your attitude and, frankly, by your arrogance."