Point (I).

I'm being forced to write. Every now and then, regardless of what I should be doing, I feel the need to just pour my heart out. That I-can't-do-anything-until-this-is-off-my-mind feeling. So I thought I should do that in order to reach graduation :)

I'm a list person, as you can see from my blog, and it's the best way for me to organize my thoughts. I'm pretty sure no one really keeps up with my blog anyway because I'm not faithful to it. I rarely write, and there really hasn't ever been a point to my blog. I might work on that this summer. But either way... I've reached a point. Not sure if it's a breaking point or a growing point or a turning point or a point of any real significance. All I know is tomorrow morning when I wake up things will be different. Maybe no one will notice the changes I'm making but I will, and that is all that matters. Eventually others will see and understand the changes. I've been weighing several things in my mind for weeks, months now. It's time to actively seek change in my life, rather than thinking that things should be different.

Yes I'm graduating. I meant, YES! I'm graduating. This is essentially like a New Year's Day for me. I get one year. I have high expectations for the year, I've been planning this year for a long time. I am convinced I will grow more in the next year than in my entire four years of college, and I am more excited than I probably should be. I'm not saying the growing will be easy. In fact I'm pretty sure the next year will be harder than my high school and college years combined. But I'm ready for the challenge.

So here's what's been on my mind. I'm not addressing or attacking anyone. I'm writing from my heart. I'm pouring out the pain and frustration I've built up. I'm sharing the dreams I've been harboring. I'm letting go of a lot of fear. Because if I don't do any or all of these things, I won't be able to accept any blessings poured on me in the next year, and I won't be able to grow. I want to learn, I want to change and I want to be shaped by my experiences in the next year. May 16 marks a new day. So I'm preparing by clearing out the mess in my heart and my head. This will probably be a series of posts before graduation day, I plan to write more in hopes of creating a reasonable, workable plan for My Year.

Point I: The Pain (the men)

Daddy I love you but when you went to war you scared me. For a year I was terrified, but I had to be strong. I was brought up to love my country, to adore the men who who serve us. But the truth is I've grown more and more to resent our government. To resent the war. To resent the fighting. I was never angry with you. I love you, I am your little girl and will remain your sugar pops forever. I support our troops, I still love my country. But I will never forget that I almost lost you to bombs and gunfire. I will never forget the rainy valentine's day you left me, my body sprawled across the bench seat of your '88 pickup truck crying so hard that I don't know how to cry anymore. People ask me why I never cry, why movies don't make me cry or how I keep my composure in moments that everyone else seems to be falling apart. I don't know how to explain that the pain I felt that day was the worst kind of pain anyone could ever feel. People ask me why I despise Valentine's Day and I can't explain that it marks the worst day in my childhood. And when you came home, well you're not the same anymore. I miss my dad. I still love going home, sitting with you on the deck you built listening to the rain and talking. But I miss my pre-war dad. I miss watching the fireworks with you. I worry about you every single day. I know you're still hurting and I don't know how to help you heal.

1(5)- You left me the day after He left. I don't know why I could never forgive you for that, but I do now. You didn't know how to deal with me or the magnitude of what I faced. You told me I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was scared and wouldn't admit it. I'm sorry for hurting you so much in the end. I never stopped being angry. I begged you to stay with me because you were the only person I had that made me OK with the reality that He was in Iraq. But I survived. I grew. Thank you, for making me realize I could face the fear on my own. I know now, surviving those 13 months, that I didn't need you. And thank you, for being there the day he did leave, for driving His truck home. For telling me I needed to pull myself together, my family needed me. Without you I was able to give all of my attention to them, and they needed me most.

2(7) You were the one I thought I would never get over. You broke me down, left me for Her, and came back crying. You built me up, let me down. Over and over, you still do this. You're like the ocean - always rushing ashore to my rescue at predictable times but receding back slowly so that all of the sudden when I really need you, you're as unreachable as the horizon. You might love me, but you left open wounds and your salt continues to burn. You've been a part of my life for more than 5 years now. I don't know how I feel about that. I just know I can't keep relying on you to make all of the other Not-It-Men not matter. They do matter, you matter. The truth is none of you are the one God has for me and if I don't let go of all of you, that man is never going to be revealed to me.

3(?) - You were my first mistake. The beginning of me giving myself permission to mess up. You were the first man to make me feel like I was just an empty piece of woman. I never forgot that feeling. In fact, now I recognize it instantly. Thanks, I guess. I can't say I've learned to say No to men like you. But I'm trying.

4 (11) - I thought you were it. You were the second man to make me resent the military and the government for ruining such an important man in my life. You love me. I know this. And that's why walking away was nearly impossible. The only thing that made it possible was knowing even you wanted better for me. You made me feel like an absolute idiot. Your lies destroyed my trust in everyone, not just you. I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you. I will love you, regardless. But trying to move on is almost as impossible as it was to stay with you after I found out, and to leave you after I realized what I needed to do. I know I can, soon I hope. But I miss your love, I miss the way I felt when I was with you. No one can make me feel like the princess I was to you, and I long to feel that kind of love again every night. I am absolutely lonely, and it hurts. It's soul-strengthening and destructive all at once.

5 (B4) You flattered me. You were my second mistake. Thank you for restoring my confidence, and then breaking it down again. With you I assumed too quickly I was back on two feet again. I wasn't. In fact I fell down so hard I blacked out. But I'm awake now, I'm getting back on my feet, and I can laugh again from deep down. I can talk to you and see you for who you are. You're not someone I would ever be capable of loving. I am jealous of your life-experience and your knowledge of who you are and where you're from. You moved me to want to know more about myself.

6 (L4) You also flattered me. But you... you preach respect but you're one of the most disrespectful men I know. You don't know true happiness, and I'm not really convinced you know how to love someone without expecting something in return. You use that word carelessly, and far too often. I was weak with you and I deserve(d) the treatment I receive(d) from you in return. But when you do learn to love in an unconditional way, I hope the pain you put upon others who love(d) you in any capacity will enter your heart and you can begin to have real relationships with women (and anyone else for that matter). And I hope your self-confidence is rebuilt in something other than what it stems from now- I know you will be wonderful to someone when this happens. You weren't a mistake. You were a test for me - what's really important to you Jess? Is it having just anyone or is it having someone who truly loves and respects you? You were just anyone to me. You made me feel extraordinary temporarily- anyone can do that.

7 (1) I don't know about you. I don't know if you really belong in this section, and maybe you will move to some other part someday. But here you are. You are wonderful and that's all I can really say right now. I don't think I'm ready for you just yet. Thank you for your patience and for hurting me by insisting I wasn't ready. Thank you for looking out for me, always.

In a recent prayer group, a woman prayed for all of the lonely, broken hearts in the room. The trouble is that I refuse to admit that I have a broken heart and that I'm lonely and most importantly, that I need prayers and I desperately want someone to come along. It has been 5 years since I've had someone to spend my every waking moment with, who I wanted to do this with. Since I've been comfortable in my "couple" status. Each of my three best friends (yes all of them - from 8th grade, high school AND college) are engaged as of the last month. I know that there is a plan, that I couldn't possibly carry out my plans for the next year with a significant other. I know I don't NEED a man. I pray every night for God to fill this emptiness. For Him to please strengthen my will-power, to help me say NO to all of these Not-It men. So part one of my plan - all of the above mentioned are becoming a piece of my past. Starting May 16, I am clearing the way for a new, right man. This means ending the endless rotation of text messages and phone calls to any given one of them at any given moment of loneliness. And honestly, there is no need to wait until May 16. Tomorrow morning, Not-It men are all off my chart.

--> Time to respect myself. To make me a challenge - because any "it" man will work hard to earn my trust and my attention. I might not know much about him other than this, but that is promise enough.

Inspiring Poems & Such from Tessa

When I Say I Am A Christian

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."

I'm whispering "I was lost,

Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible

But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner

Who received God's good grace, somehow!

-Maya Angelou

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
— Max Lucado

God's Accuracy

God's accuracy may be observed in the hatching of eggs. For example;

-the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
-those of the canary in 14 days;
-those of the barnyard hen in 21 days.
-The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
-those of the mallard in 35 days.
-The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.
(Notice, they are all divisible by seven).

God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first. How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation!

God's wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains.

-Each watermelon has an even number of strips on the rind.
-Each orange has an even number of segments.
-Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
-Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
-Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even numbe r and the next row an odd number.

-The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather.

All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, and the Lord specified thirtyfold, sixtyfold, and a hundredfold - all even numbers.

God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day, so that Linneus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

10 Things

I thought putting down what I've learned in the past four years of college about dating might help someone out there who is wondering if she is crazy or cursed or just plain fed up.

So here goes. I can't promise some of these won't be obvious or painful to swallow. I can promise that what I'm about to say comes straight from the heart. It's not in response to a bad breakup or a bad date. I'm not hopelessly in love or excited about anyone at this very moment. I was just talking with a friend and realized that I've learned so much about what I DON'T want. And despite still being absolutely uncertain about who or what I DO want, I feel lucky to know what I know now.

1. First and foremost, I've learned to always turn my phone off after 11 p.m. Why? Anyone calling/texting after that time probably isn't just calling to chat. Once I started this little habit I found that what I missed in the late evening/early morning hours was exactly what I should be missing. Be it an ex or a boy I met earlier in the night at a bar or even someone I was potentially interested in, calls after 11 were never to get to know me better. If they want to get to know me better or if they need to talk about something important, the absolute worst time to do so is between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.. I've never had a worthwhile, rewarding or satisfying exchange with a male during this time over the phone unless it was someone I was serious with. And even then, I need my sleep. Also, it's an excellent practice to strengthen your self-control and to show a man you aren't a go-to girl. If that's what he's looking for, he can go elsewhere for the girls who don't mind running over to his house at 2 a.m. just for sex. Honestly, the guys whose numbers show up on my missed calls when I wake up in the morning and start my day (and usually these numbers are rare to show up during normal daylight hours) are the guys I would rather not spend my days with anyway. I've never been a fan of desperation. For me, late night calls/texts are one thing I've never felt guilty ignoring.

2. Listen to your heart... and by heart I mean stomach. When you get a bad feeling about something, it's probably valid. I've never had a bad feeling about someone for no reason. One thing that makes me angry instantly is when men honestly believe they can lie to me or slip one by. I'm talking no intention of even trying to hide their idiocy. I'll give a perfect example. In one experience, I was told by a two and four-year-old about a huge secret being kept by my then 25-year-old boyfriend. I knew three months prior to the kiddos intervention that something was being kept from me. Did I listen to myself? No. It took the honesty of two little boys to make me believe what I'd known all along about a grown man. Pathetic? Maybe. Telling? Very much so. Case in point: Men will lie, but they suck at it. Therefore there is no reason for women to lie to themselves about this truth. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't let little boys reveal to you the truth about a man, it's much easier to hear it from your own head than precious, unknowing children. Trust me.

3. Don't be ashamed to have list of qualifications. If they don't match what you're looking for, better to know sooner than later. For myself, I want someone with a kind heart, a plan and a passion for life. I want him to indulge in my own energy with me and to move me with his own. I want a man who is confident and respectful. A man who kisses and tells is probably one of the most irritating kind to me. If he wants to share his adoration for me, that's one thing. If he wants to talk about me in a way that he wouldn't talk to my parents or my closest friends he is surely not a keeper. Not to mention he hasn't matured much since the sixth grade.

4. Every day really is a chance to start over. Something that's really helped me cope with awkward encounters and huge mistakes is this: We can't shrink the world down to us, because it's not really about us. Everyone is on a similar journey. People hook up, mess up and dive head first into relationships/situations they never should have. But every moment doesn't have to be dwelling on the past. If you want to start over right this second, go right ahead. We are each exactly where we need to be. Every awful, inappropriate or hilarious thing said to us by guys is one more addition to our knowledge of what we are or aren't seeking. Be grateful for your experiences, and when you know it's time to start a new chapter in your life do it. There are going to be times when you feel like your chapters are only a page long and you're writing a new one each day. That's OK. I've always believed the longer chapters are for later in life anyway, and that the most entertaining and challenging were those that only took up just one page.

5. Never, ever shrink down because of something someone else says to you, male or female, about who you are or what decisions you're making. Nelson Mandela says it perfectly:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

6. When a guy choses some other broad over you, be thankful. I say this sincerely. If he chose her, he didn't appreciate your magnificence. He didn't respect you. He didn't look deep enough into your heart to see what you were willing to offer. And nine times out of ten, he's the sucker that will look back months later and say in one way or another, "Wow, I messed up letting that one get away." Trust me, I've had it happen repeatedly. And each time, after going through the pain of wondering "Why her?" I would smile to myself down the road and think, "I'm so glad I didn't waste my time with that one." Be the girl that walks away with your head held high. No matter the rumors or awful things he might say about you, when you know you're one of a few, surrender. You deserve to be the only one, no matter what his excuses are for keeping his options open. Don't try to get even or get back. In moments when I'm feeling especially angry or hurt, I always remind myself that "The best revenge is a fabulous existence."

7. Patience. It's the most difficult idea, and it's one of the hardest character traits to master. But when it comes to happiness, patience is its counterpart. Patience is essential to happiness. Period.

8. Don't let a man pull you out of your comfort level. Even nine months into a relationship, if he's making you uncomfortable, say it. Be intimate, be adventurous. But above all, be yourself.

9. Foresee a future. Don't excuse a trait or a habit of someone today that you know won't fly down the road. Never count on changing a person. Be open-minded, but don't settle. This is probably the most difficult thing I've learned. I always want to believe I could embrace certain things about guys. The truth is, I don't want to embrace his disgusting, self-destructive, unproductive, pointless or bad habits. I'd rather he want me enough to want better for himself.

10. Know when he sucks. It's really not hard to establish, early on, when a guy isn't for you. The sooner you know, the sooner you can refocus your life on a right path for you. It's funny how long it takes girls sometimes to see flaws. Sure, he might sweep you off your feet and fill the loneliness that's been eating away at your for the past year or so or however long you've been single. But don't try to tuck away all of the horrible, ridiculous habits and characteristics of his that make you cringe when you try to place him somewhere in your future. Don't forget who he was before you saw this dreamy new person all of the sudden; and if you didn't know him before, try to remove the "lala" factor and picture how he would treat you when he wasn't trying. I always think that's the best test of a man. What is he like when you're "not looking." Who is he when you aren't around. Figure that out, and if he's not someone you really find charming in everyday life, find someone that is.

Defining Faith: Paul Tripp Visit

Paul Tripp recently came to The Crossing. He asked, "What is faith?" Someone answers, "It's believing." "What is believing?" "Believing is knowing." "What is knowing?" "Knowing is having faith." In other words, few know what faith means! Myself included, until I heard his sermon. And just because I have a better idea of what genuine faith is, doesn't mean I've learned to be a faithful woman. But I thought his words were worth sharing.

Faith has three components.

1. Faith requires that we must absolutely believe He created everything. He spoke the world into the existence. He created it and it belongs to Him. It is for His purpose. Sometimes we shrink life down to us. What is my purpose in life? It's not about us. It's about His plan for His world.

2. Faith requires that we must believe God is sovereign. We can rest in the amazing reality that our world is not chaotic but under the careful control of God. Is your life a living picture of what it means to believe that God is sovereign? Life is not out of control at all, ever. We might not have a clue what's going on, but it's OK. God does.

3. We must believe that God is our savior. Our problem is us. We need a savior. We can't escape ourselves. When things happen, it's more evidence that we need savior. We need someone who cares about our lostness, someone to "rescue me from me."

The final definition: Faith is something you do with your life. It's a way of living. We ought to ask daily, "Lord won't you fill my heart with faith?"

Hebrews 11:6

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

Perceptions

We routinely disqualify testimony that would plead for extenuation. That is, we are so persuaded of the rightness of our judgment as to invalidate evidence that does not confirm us in it. Nothing that deserves to be called truth could ever be arrived at such means.

-Marilynne Robinson , The Death of Adam

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. It was one of those books I picked up to read at precisely the right time. I couldn't put it down, and when I finished I knew it had changed my perception.

"Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception – what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms – what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn’t make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly. But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than Me."

I've always had a complex with the way I think others perceive me. I've struggled over and over to stop feeling constantly judged by those around me. Moreover, I've always believed in making good impressions and that this is important. As a result, I often find myself anxious, uncomfortable, nervous, awkward ... you name it.

"I give you an ability to respond and your response is to be free to love and serve in every situation, and therefore each moment is different and unique and wonderful.

"It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to deep questions of the heart and they will never love you."

It wasn't until after reading this book that I was sitting alone thinking about what I'd just read that I just started laughing at the absurdity of how I act. It's like this: my entire life I've had the mentality that other people's opinions of me actually matter. That in and of itself is laughable. And because I perceive how they think about me positively or negatively, it changes the way that I act and relate with them. This has kept me from being a loving, enjoyable person to be with. My response to others is pretty simple really. I can either love them, embrace them or I can serve them. If I'm doing one of those two things, I won't ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable or unsure of how they think of me. In light of the past few weeks and some horribly awkared encounters ... this just made me rethink my responses.

"So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around … living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing it’s ability to fly. Not something I want for you … pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly … and if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

One of my resolutions this year was to smile more. It's truly amazing how smiling changes relationships. I'm not talking romantic relationships. Just people relationships. One friendly smile from an old friend brightened my entire Thursday this week. It's boggling. I realized that if I just started believing that people might actually like me, love me or quite possibly have no opinion of me whatsoever, that I would respond to them in a way that produced positive love both from myself and them. It's not an easy thing to do. To change the way you think about others. To change what you believe and how you feel because you believe certain people think certain things. But I've been making a conscious effort to just love the people I encounter daily, in an honest and real way.

"So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing."

One of the main themes of the books was that people ought to love the way God loves. It says God is "especially fond" of each of his children. And like God, we should love in that unconditional, non-judgmental and self-sacrificing way.

"If anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.

Dear God

The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you she will always be safe.

Amen.

Care Package

Got home to a care package from the youth group at my church back home today. Just wanted to share the letter from my pastor, who never fails to put things perfectly.

"With the semester winding down, you're probably under a little bit of stress. You lack sleep. When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think about is when in the day you'll be able to crawl back into bed. You're anxiety level is high. It's that tight feeling in your gut. And your mind is racing, trying to cram tons of (sometimes useless) information. Added to that are your complex relationships - people at college, friends back home, family, etc. - and you don't know how you can manage it all.

And in the middle of all this noise, busyness and stress, you begin to forget who you really are. You end up being "the student," "the boyfriend/girlfriend," "the student worker," "the test taker," "the frat guy," "the people pleaser." When Satan tempted Jesus, three times he questioned his identity with the word "if." "If you are the Son of God." Or for you, maybe it's "if you are a good student..." "if you get through this semester." "If you ever have any real friends." "If people really like you." "If you're really worthy of being here." "If anyone really cares about you."

"If" is an uncertain word. It casts doubt on who you are. But notice Jesus' response each time. Every time he counters Satan, he uses the Word of God, and he clings to his identity in God. You might be entirely stressed and ready to quit. But this is precisely the place where all the scaffolding gets torn down and you've got no crutch to lean on. You realize it's just you - weak, broken, vulnerable. And this is exactly where God wants you. You are forced to surrender totally and unconditionally to Jesus Christ. And then you realize what your true identity is. It is not based on what you can do, or the reputation you can create, or the party animal you are, or the student you aspire to be. At the heart of it, your identity is simply as a child of God.

Stop. Pause. Look away from the computer or TV screen. Stop texting for a minute. Be quit, and hear this: You have been died for, and you are loved by God. This is your first identity. One who is incorporated into Jesus (Rom. 6:3,4). You have been won back by God. This is who you are. Only from this identity can you really begin to take tests, hang with friends, and deal with family. When you're grounded in your first identity, everything else falls into place.

So my prayer for you today is relief from anxiety if it is God's will. But even more- that the struggle, the anxiety, and the trial would remind you of your true identity. And in this, Jesus transforms you."